Monday, August 6, 2012

Pants on fire

My husbands birthday was last month. In July. So here it is, August, when he brings into the house a six pack of beer and sets it on the kitchen counter. I don't say a word. I only lift an eyebrow at him. (Since the Intervention a year and a half ago, he  hasn't had even one drop of alcohol.) Right away he says that he didn't buy it, that it was a gift from his brother. In my head I can hear the words your brother bought you a six pack?!?! screaming to be released. Instead I gently asked him "Why would he do that ? Doesn't he know that you don't drink anymore?" And the answer I got floored me, blind sighted me, made me catch my breath, hear a hum in my head and swallow my tongue. He says to me, he says " I told him that I couldn't drink anymore because of my diabetes meds, that it causes a bad reaction and makes me loose my balance." Gulp....hummmm...whaaa??? WHAT? WHAT?
Wanna know what I really said to him right then and there???  I says to him, I says " That's not the reason you don't drink anymore!" And he says back to me that the reason he doesn't drink anymore is private and nobody needs to know what that reason is. That it's nobodys business but his. So, let me get this straight.... you told your brother that you no longer drink alcohol due to medical reasons?! And in my head I know this to be a lie. In my head, I also know that dry drunks are sober but not recovered. He has never gone to AA. No treatment at all, except after the Intervention, he went to see a therapist 3 times. Came home after his last therapy session and announced that he wasn't going back to that place. Never spoke about his therapy, or what they wanted him to do, never even tried AA. And I realized, after he told me what he told his brother about the reason for his abstinence, I realized then that my husband is a liar.  Always has been, I guess. Lying about the amount of booze he drank, lying by omission of the amount of bottles we found hidden around the house, lying about where he was and about the amount of money spent. He lies to me about our finances, and about his own health to his Dr. and to his family. And I believe he even lies to himself. What kind of sickness makes a person a compulsive liar? How bad do you have to feel about yourself that you feel the need to lie all the time? What's the purpose of still lying to yourself after you've sat in a conference room with your wife and grown kids and a professional interventionist and been told in a kind and loving manner that you have a problem with alcohol? I'm sitting here still a little stunned. I've been working my program so hard lately. Letting go and letting God and all that, but this....this really threw me. It made me irritated that I am the only one trying to work a program. Neither him nor the kids have gotten any kind of help. So why am I doing it then? What's in it for me if nobody else is gonna get help, why should I? And here is the answer  that popped into my head.....
He wasn't the only one who was lying back then, during his active drinking days. You lied too, Lolly. Remember all those times that you.....well, let's just say that yes, I do remember. And I also remember a saying that my Dad used to say to me- "Once a liar, always a liar". Truer words were never said. And I realized that I don't want to be a liar anymore. Not to my spouse or to myself. I want to be able to look him in the eye and I want to feel good about myself and I want my intentions to be honorable. I want to keep going to my Tuesday night meetings because they make me feel good about my life and my progress in Alanon. And I want to redeem myself for the lies I told in the past. Alanon is my safe place to do that . Even if the rest of my family never gets the help it needs, I know that I am doing what is best for me, what is right for me. I don't want to be haunted by that childrens rhyme that says-"Liar, liar, pants on fire" anymore. Today I learned my lesson about lying and I will bless my own self as I walk alone on this road to a healthier place. Peace!

1 comment:

  1. Our programs are all about US. We go for ourselves....even if not another person in our world seeks recovery, we still can. Because we as an individual needs it. Keep coming back Lolly. :o) You are in a good place.