Thursday, August 2, 2012

The Reader

Once upon a time.....
Reading, for me, was like breathing; IS like breathing. Books are my oxygen. I crave the written word. I love the smell of books, the feel of the pages. No Nook or Kindle for this girl. I need to feel the book in my hands. I love reading at night before I go to sleep, or when it's storming outside, either rain or snow, and I can curl up on my couch or cozy up in my window seat with an afghan and read til my heart's content. But my heart is never content. As of now there are so many books on my nightstand that I can no longer see my alarm clock or my lamp. The pile is now 18 books high. So many topics, so many authors, so much self-help all just waiting for me to "calm my shit" and get started on the road to healing. Except I can't concentrate. There are sooo many good books to choose from. I literally don't know where to start. There is the book by Brennan Manning titled The Ragamuffin Gospel which I started 3 months ago, but then I got caught up in Mark Nepo and his journey through The Book of Awakening. That is one fabulous book, I gotta tell ya. So good in fact that I went to the library and checked out 2 more of Mark Nepo's books- Finding Inner Courage and As Far As The Heart Can See. I wanted his Fire without Witness but our library doesn't carry it. I've noticed that my library doesn't carry a lot of the books that I am craving. Books about going on soul journeys and finding serenity, and God and yourself. Books about gratitude and grief and weight and how to navigate your life so that you no longer need to feel shame or pain or fat or unloved. Books to make you believe in a God who loves you, never left you, and redeemed you by  dying on a cross. Even books about simplifying your life and learning to live with less by craving less (do you think there might be a book on learning how to crave less books?!) In the past I would always finish reading the whole book, cover to cover, before picking up another one. Not any more. If I find that after the first chapter or two that the book isn't holding my attention, then I go to my ever increasing pile and select another one. I am on a mission to heal myself;  my broken, unredeemed, overweight, bossy, angry self. Maybe I should find and read a book on learning to be forgiving of myself first, huh? My favorite sister-in-law-best-friend says I am too hard on myself. But I feel like I have a lot to atone for. She asked me the other day if I had ever heard of a study that asks the questions "What do you think it is like to be married to you? And what is it like to work with you, and to be friends with you?" Oh Boy!!! I instantaneously knew the answer to all 3 questions. And I didn't like the answer that popped into my head.
So since then I've been on a quest to find the "right" book that is gonna help me fix myself.
And wouldn't you know it but it's a book I've had all along. It's sitting right next to me in fact. I read it everyday. Pages are marked and highlighted, corners are folded over, little pieces of paper act like bookmarks on certain pages that speak to me, and passages that I want to remember are underlined. It's my Courage to Change. Who knew? Maybe my HP knew. Maybe God was directing me when he led me to it yesterday morning. That August 1st  reading was exactly what I needed to hear.  So, with the help of my HP,  I am going to continue on my merry way, reading as I go and hoping that I can learn to love and forgive myself, to just settle down enough to concentrate and to be able to read one of those books on healing and learning to love and forgive yourself all the way through to the end. Wish me luck!
The End

1 comment:

  1. Oh and I are so alike! First of all, I can now fit into a size 12 and you were the first person who popped into my mind when I tried on those pants! LOL
    Second I should take a picture of my own personal library just so you can see.....hundreds of books! A crazy amount! I have several of Brennan Manning's books....but have never read a one! lol They all sound so good though. I am currently reading the Hunger Game series with my 11 year old. Sometimes, when we are obsessed with getting better and healing ourselves and figuring out our shit, we have to stop and just be for a bit. A long time ago I put down all of the self help books and read just for pleasure. Pure and simple. Lots of crime mystery books. My therapist at the time said she was so proud of me! lol There is so much information and opinions out there....sometimes we have to step out of the info vortex and quiet ourselves and let God speak to our hearts. Bless you as you find your own path. Oh.....and we bought a Kindle Fire for the 11 year old for Christmas this year....she said I could use it. I don't think she liked it that much. and I know that I don't. But we have it once I'm done reading the paper form of the trilogy....I will find something to download onto it because it will kill me if we never use it. lol