Beauty is in the eye of the beholder

She called me beautiful. Me. Beautiful. And she meant it. And it made me want to cry. Imagine! Someone thinking that I am beautiful......so...not....true. And yet, she had the grace to actually tell me so. How could she possible know that THAT is  what I struggle with? An issue of inner and outer beauty? The added 20 pounds from quitting smoking that makes me feel so unattractive and self conscious - yet she claims that I looked too skinny before, unhealthy like. And she notices that my attitude is different....that I no longer seem angry and stressed and hurried. She sees the difference in me; a difference I can sometimes see and feel about myself. However...I am not so easily appeased about the difference she notices in my personality. I still struggle mightily to forgive myself for my past sins. The way that I treated others in the past is appalling to me now. I don't know how to forgive myself. The increase in my weight can be hidden underneath baggy clothes when it bothers me. But how do I keep hidden the shame of my past actions? How do I learn to forgive myself for the things that I said or did in the past ? What action on my part can make it better? What can I do to start forgiving myself ? How do I let my own demons go??  My outside may be a little heavier to the naked eye, but it is the weight of what I got going on the inside that is really weighing me down. Thanks for the compliment....I'll let you know when I can truly accept it.

My voice

Al-Anon is helping me to find my voice. My fear is that I have been silent for far too long. This is so new and confusing and difficult. I need to speak up for myself, yet not get caught up in the "it's all about me" scenerio. I'm frustrated with my progress. Sometimes I can say what I need to say and at other times, I project in my head how I think he might respond to what I have to say and it renders me silent...again. I am so tired of not being able to speak up for myself. I don't like this codependancy thing anymore. I want to be able to state an opinion or a feeling or even a criticism without being made to feel wrong or small or stupid. Some days, when I don't work the program...life can really kick me in my ass. I find myself hiding behind a book or being "extra busy" at something just to avoid talking. Unhealthy, I know, but I've been in an unhealthy relationship for 29 years now. It might take me awhile to get the hang of this speaking out thing.  Does it ever get any easier? Man, I sure hope so. But what I really wanna ask is does the fear ever go away? Fear of speaking out and fear of remaining silent. Which is the lesser of two evils? Which one is a lesson and which one is a blessing?

Love

Love can make you, break you, tease you and please you. It can make your soul  crawl outta it's hiding place and make you believe in miracles. It can hurt you and desert you and make you cry a river over it.  Love can get sober but not recovered and love can work the 12 steps to find a better way to live. Love can make your heart feel like it's gonna burst with the wonder of it all and love can make you feel such heartache that you are sure you will not live to see the morning. Love can make you laugh and sing and love can ruin everything. It can make you happy and it can make you sad...it can make you grateful and it can make you mad. Love is the thing that can tear you apart and love is the thing that can mend your broken heart. Love says he's worth it and love says keep trying...even though part of you still feels like crying. Love is so worth it and some day he'll see that love really is all that it's cracked up to be. Happy Valentine's Day!

Where have I been, you ask? I've been gone feeling very sorry for myself, that's where I've been. Been a bad week over here. Just down in the dumps, not working my program at all. Letting what others say and do affect me. Having a hard time letting go of the past and it's affect on what it did to me.  I really need to climb outta this pit of despair that I have dug for myself. Listening to worship music has been working miracles on me these past two days. Shoulda been listening to my HP instead of that dark place inside me that likes to tell me that I am not worth it. Because I am worth something. I AM!
The sun is shining today and it is almost 50 degrees. Normally it is about 23 degrees this time of year. Think I will put on my walking shoes and go for a walk; see what The Good Lord has for me to see outside. Lesson for today?? Learning to bless myself.