Most of the time I sit here and stare at my lap top for what can seem like hours.
There's that little cursor, blinking at me, waiting for my words to spill out.
It makes me wonder if they named it a cursor onaccounta I feel like cursing every time it blinks.
Quietly mocking me....waiting for me to make a move.
It's constant blinking acting like it's the silent heartbeat of my computer.
It makes me question myself...it taunts me...haunts me.
Got nothing to say again today, do ya?
Its innocent blinking makes me feel like a failure.
And I don't believe that this incessant blinking is so innocent after all.
Cuz I'm afraid that it's true.
I have nothing to say.
Well, I do, but I don't know how to write it out.
I watched Tony Robbins on Oprah a while back.
He stated that journaling had save his life.
Gosh darn it!
I wish that journaling was saving my life too.
Don't get me wrong, I feel like that is the answer.
I need to start writing stuff down to get it out of my head.
But like a bully on the playground just waiting to pounce on me,
I sit down to this keyboard and the blinking starts.
Where is my sense of self? Who am I anymore?
Where have I gone?
Who or what is holding the key to my voice?
What is it that is preventing me from finding my way?
I found this book at Barnes and Noble the other day.
After each small chapter there is a section called Just Between Us.
There are some really intriguing questions here and I want to answer them.
Well, okay, only some of them.
Like "Have you been standing alone for a long time?"
Or "Can you believe that God has been with you and for you all this time?"
Or this one "What do you need to do to breathe again?"
I am wondering if I should post a question to my blog once a week and then try to answer it.
I thought that's what I was going to do when I chose my word for the year.
I would write once a week about finding the light in my life, but I realize now that I haven't done anything with that word at all.
That just reaffirms to me that I am not a writer...dare I say yet???
Maybe these questions go a bit deeper?
Maybe going a bit deeper is what I need to do to find the crux of my problem and to fix it.
Alrighty then, with that being said..... here is the first question-
What is stealing your voice right now?
If I knew what was stealing my voice I think I would be able to fix it.
Is it fear? And if it is, what am I afraid of?
Am I lacking in basic english skills?
Am I afraid to write?
Am I not knowledgeable enough to write?
Nobody reads this blog, so what does it matter?
And what does that say about me?
Afraid of sounding stupid, of lacking in some manner?
But if nobody is reading this blog, then What. Does. It. Matter??
What IS stealing my voice right now?
The only answer I can come up with is fear.
But why fear?
What exactly am I fearful of?
I need an answer as to how to get rid of this fear.
And nothing is forthcoming.
So I sit.
And I watch the blinking cursor.
And I curse the blinking watcher.
Sitting in the silence.
Trapped by my own fear.
My fear of what?