Monday, November 9, 2015

And so I shall.....

It was wonderful to meet Annette.
She was taller than I had imagined. Skinnier too if I'm being perfectly honest.
(Not that weight has anything to do with anything but her and I have discussed weight before.)
She had beautiful, kind eyes. And fabulous hair.
She was open and warm, gracious and Grace filled.
She bought me dinner.
Which I feel I need to mention here that I could barely order for myself because I was so nervous.
And over the course of our 2 hours together I made mention of the fact that I was nervous.
About a hundred times.
I felt like a nervous little bird. I felt like I was twisting my hands together. Was I?
I told her that I was afraid to fly and gushed over her braveness to fly the 4 and a half hours- All the way from California to Illinois.
I told her that I get nervous when I have to drive somewhere new by myself
and I don't know where I'm going so I don't go anywhere new by myself.
I told her that I am too nervous to try another Alanon meeting because the one I used to attend had become a soap box for the longest running member.
I told her about my anxiety and panic attack when we went on vacation to South Dakota and how the switchback gravel roads and elevation of the black hills caused me to panic and want to be driven back down that mountain.
About how I was nervous about telling my husband about my blog and how I came to know Annette, So I took Linda's advice and told him I found and followed Annette's blog when I started in Alanon.

He said he had no problem with driving me to St Charles.
His favorite outdoorsy type of store is in St Charles so we made a plan.
He would drop me off at her hotel and he would go to his store and then pick me up when I called.

Now here's the thing....
He did seem to have a problem with it AFTER we started driving.
In what is his true fashion, he gave me what I like to call The Speech the whole way there.

How he didn't like it that a complete stranger knew things about him.
That he knows nothing about me anymore...due to the fact that I never told him that I read blogs.
That he has nightmares that I am having an affair and how I need to do something about that.
How him and the kids all agree that I am self-involved and everybody sees it but me.
How I always tell him that It Isn't Always. About. Him. and how that makes him feel less than.
About our marriage and how we need to work on things because he's tired of being alone.
About how we don't talk about anything and the only time I do talk with him is to ask him what he  wants for dinner.

(Does anybody else see how he made it all about him the whole time we were driving?)

That's when I told him that he only ever talks about his job and his illnesses and meds. and how after a while he starts to sound to me like Charlie Brown's teacher-

Jesus, I think to he REALLY going to talk about his fucking insulin again? How his sugars are too low so he will eat more sugar even though he hasn't checked his levels with his little machine, or how his back hurts again....

Is it any wonder that I felt like a nervous wreck?
Or am I a nervous wreck already?
I berated myself the whole way home for sounding like a nervous nelly.
I played back the entire conversation Annette and I had had in my head.
And what I remember is me sounding like I was afraid of everything.
Which indeed seems to be true.  

And I wonder when in the Hell did I become a fraidy cat??
And I wonder what in the name of Hell  am I so afraid of?
And I wonder why it was so easy to talk to her and not him?
Again...still...after all these's always so damn hard.

Something about his natural smell is so appealing to me; he smells like Heaven..
My stomach still flips, in a good way, when his truck pulls into the driveway at night.
I love the timbre of his voice.
He pays the bills and I want for nothing material.
As a grandfather he is amazing to these grandkids and the fact that he IS a grandfather makes him rather sexy to me.
I like that he is in the business of firefighting (no longer an active firefighter tho)
and I like that his position at work is a rather important one.

He's been mad at God for 14 years for the accident that took him away from firefighting.
When I go to church every Sunday, he tells me that it makes him feel bad that I go without him. meaning that he feels guilty that I go alone. He wants to know am I lonely at church.
I tell him that I am not lonely or alone at church, that I am a big girl and that I go to church because it makes me feel good.
I tell him that I love Jesus, that Jesus makes me real happy and that I see Jesus everywhere.

I pray for him to find Jesus again and for him to remember what it felt like to not be angry or sick or so judgemental all the time.
I'm thinking I might need to throw my own name into those prayers every once in a while.
I'm also thinking that I'm starting to look like the poster child of a woman who needs to go back to Alanon.
Step One again, again.

Thanks for reading. Thanks for your thoughts and comments. Thanks Annette for meeting with me.
Looks like I've got some work to do.

I'll leave you with this from Ted Loder:

Touch Me With Truth That Burns Like Fire

Lord, send the gift of your Spirit to fill this place, and myself and the world. 
Touch me with truth that burns like fire, with beauty that moves me like the wind.
And set me free, Lord, free to try new ways of living; 
free to forgive myself and others; 
free to love and laugh and sing; 
free to lay aside my burden of security; 
free to join the battle for justice and peace; 
free to see and listen and to wonder again at the gracious mystery of things and persons; 
free to be, to give, to receive, to rejoice as a
child of your Spirit.
And Lord, teach me how to dance, 
to turn around and come down 
where I want to be, in the arms and 
hearts of your people and in you, 
that I may praise and enjoy you forever.


  1. Sweet Lolly, My heart aches for you today. The fear I remember so well is in your every word. How I wish it were different. Hoping you can find a new, healthy Al-Anon group and start the healing process all over again.

    So brave of you to go meet Annette despite your anxiety. What a blessing you gave yourself. I'm super proud of you!


  2. It is interesting to me that when you change your focus off the alcoholic that you get called self involved. Ouch.

    Maybe it is time to go back to Al Anon. Though I quit going to a group because one woman acted like she was the group's leader. Just remember, take what you liked and leave the rest. xo

  3. Lolly, I love that I was thinner than you expected!!! You've made my day!! Lol
    I hope you go back to your meetings. It's been a long time, your home group may have gotten itself healthy. If not there I hope you will find a new meeting. Your husband strikes me as someone who is good at his core, who loves you so very much, but has all of his own "stuff" swirling around him that he doesn't know what to do with and is probably too fearful of the discomfort to really dive in and even look at it all. Let God work out those details and you do what you can for yourself so that you can be healthy happy and whole. I LOVED meeting you. It truly was one of my great blessings from that trip. A gift... Thank you again for making the trip to see me!