Wednesday, November 4, 2015

Pot calling the kettle

Most of the time...all of the time really, I let what he does aggravate me.

As  Annette says here-
 "My brain doesn't work like yours and it overwhelms me when you move on to the future steps before I have finished the step I am on. Then I get snippy and nasty, and then you take my ugly attitude personally, and it creates tension between us, but all it really is, is that our brains work differently from each others.  I need to finish up what I am working on before I can move on."

We are just like that. Him and I. Exactly.
I am always thinking that I know better and I am always reacting to him in a negative way.
I just want him to stop it, yet I couldn't stop the way I react to things if I tried.
It's what feels normal to me.
So why do I do this? Why do we do this?
Is this that codependent thing again? Always thinking we know better than anyone else or that people should do things our way because it's better??

The truth is hard for him to hear.
He grew up with a mentally abusive mother. And what he learned from her was that the truth is painful and people who are honest with you are not your friends. They believe that people who are honest are a danger and say hurtful things.

The truth about himself and us and her and his life always make him react with anger.
When I notice that he is trying to cover up a truth about himself, I usually try to say gently to him-
"Just tell the truth. The truth is ok."
But it always come out of my mouth like a shriek-
"God!! Just tell the fucking truth. Why do you always have to make up a story?!"

The truth is, he is afraid of the truth. It makes him nervous, it keeps him on edge.
And am I.
I don't believe he knows about this blog or if he does he would never admit
the truth about knowing about it.
And to be truthful I've never told him about this blog either.
I won't admit to lying about it because I haven't lied.
I just never told him about it.
I use this blog more as an online diary of sorts.
I'd rather tell 3 complete strangers my problems and how I work them out.

So what does that say about me? About us? About him?

This weekend I have the opportunity to meet Annette.
She will be 45 minutes away from the town where I live.
I will not get this chance again and I want to meet her so badly!!
So I will have to figure out a way to tell him that I have been blogging for 5 years
and telling complete strangers about our problems.
And the truth about that will make him upset.
Not mad or angry or abusive but upset.

And I realize that I am in a situation where I am trying to think up a lie to tell him.
So the truth is making me nervous and keeping me on edge.
The truth is making me afraid.
Now isn't THAT the pot calling the kettle black??


  1. Just a thought, can't you tell him that you follow blogs that help you? Do you have to bare your sole? It's not a lie....a lot of us follow blogs that we can relate to and help us gain new perspective.

    I don't blame you for wanting to meet Annette. She has helped me in so many ways. I pray that the two of you have a wonderful visit and that your heart is soothed and you feel peace which ever way you choose to handle it.♥♥

  2. Oh Lolly, (((HUG))) Keep it simple. If we get to meet, I would love that. But if its too complicated at this time, I understand. If we are supposed to see each other in all of our beautiful imperfect glory in real will all be put together again some day.

    You just let me know.....I am going to email you my cell number so you can call if it works and we can set it up. <3

  3. Blogging is so personal and I have yet to meet someone that even knows what blogging really is. If I tell people I have a blog they look at me with a blank stare. And yet, blogging is a huge part of my life.
    My husband does know that I blog but I am not sure if her reads it. He had my old blog address but not my current one but it wouldn't be hard to find it.
    I am so glad that you and Annette are meeting. I have never met another blogger but that is mostly because I live on an island and am cut off from a lot of people. If I wanted to I could connect with local bloggers but it seems as if I would be opening myself up to too many people. As with you, my blog is my diary and I like to keep it to people I do not know personally. That said, my blogging friends are the closest friends I have.

    1. I have a handful of real life friends that I share my blog with. Thats a whole nother kind of risky! lol

  4. And one more husband knows I blog, but NEVER comes over to read here. He is A LOT more private than I am and I think my sharing our life makes him uncomfortable. I am careful, or try to be about everyone's privacy and I don't a lot about him or my son because they like me I try to honor that. Sometimes I write something that I really want him to see, I will send him the link. He goes over to read it and says, "Awesome dear!" and thats that. LOL We are truly the odd couple.

    1. Don't share a lot about them because they don't like me to......I need a FB edit button!