S.A.D.

When the Autumn rains come and it's gray and cloudy for days on end,
When the leaves are done blazing into color and lay in brown curled heaps on the ground,
When the wind whips up and the forecast starts to get colder,
When October begins turning into November and beyond....
The  S.A.D.  battles start.
This is a war of words, of tempers, of attitudes, of seemingly endless strife about nonsense.

And in this house it is every man for themselves.

It took us years to figure out what it was...is. 

We have finally given it a name.  But "we" don't do anything about it except argue.

He admits to having Seasonal Affective Disorder. 

He admits to the sadness and the blues and the irritation of the season.

When I suggested he buy a light, his response to me was-  

"They are too expensive".

He gets ornery, which gets me ornery. He becomes sensitive to words and requests and I feel like I'm walking on eggshells most days, not sure what is going to set him off.

This post will set him off.

Him and I have never been able to figure out how not to wound each other when we are at our worst.

Whether one of us is sick or tired or sad, it seems like the other finds the achilles heel and goes in for the kill.

At least that's the way I see it. That's the way I perceive it. That's how it feels to me.

When I get sick, my ears become filled with fluid. I become deaf as a post. It's hard to hear which makes me irritable. Constantly saying "What?" bothers me as much as it bothers him.

I've seen an ENT. I have significant hearing loss in my right ear. It's much worse when I'm sick.

The ENT suggested I educate my husband on dealing with a person who has hearing loss. 

He said to tell my husband to Rephrase the statement; Don't repeat it.

But for some reason, especially when I am under the weather, it pisses him off to have to continually repeat himself to me. 

A few days ago I asked him a question and misheard his answer, but also I don't have a problem with my eyes and I could visably see his face was angry and his eyebrows were drawn together and he answered me before I was even done speaking.

When I got mad at him for that he said- "Don't blame me for your lack of hearing".  Blame?!?

Now to be truthful, I wasn't looking to blame him for my lack of hearing. He was being rude by not letting me finish my question.

But he likes to throw that word around a lot -BLAME

Don't blame me. I'm not taking the blame for that. Blame yourself, not me. 

You're to blame.

When I ask him a question, he accuses me of blaming him for something.

Did you spill something? The floor is sticky.  

He'll say "Why do you blame me for that?"

I'M NOT BLAMING, I'M ASKING A QUESTION!

It's like a festering thorn under my skin and I'm tired of this blame game.

It is so unnecessary!

While we were out walking the dog, I found a brilliantly colored crimson leaf, then a bright orange one, then a red and yellow striped one. Look! I said and smiled. Aren't they beautiful?

And his response was to say-

Why do you do that to me? Do you do that on purpose?

Do what? I asked

Rub my nose in it.

What???

You know I hate Fall. Why are you showing me leaves? And why do you smile when you do it?

You're making me feel worse.

Sigh...Sometimes I think I am married to a crazy person.

 For the next 5 months he will be slightly unpleasant, sort of on edge, sort of cranky, unhappy.

The weather controls his moods especially during the Fall and Winter.

He doesn't know the definition of the word Petrichor; literally or figuratively.

He doesn't feel warm and cozy and safe and dry inside when it is gray and rainy and windy.

When it snows, he won't be able to see the glitter on the snow or taste the flakes on his tongue.

He will not be able to smell the way the icy cold air smells, or see the magic and brilliance as the snow glows under starlit skies.

He notices that I stare at sunrises and sunsets, yet he cannot see the beauty in them for hisself.

Red sky in the morning to him means... great, more rain this afternoon.

The holidays will come and go and he will keep mostly to himself at family functions.

He will sit in a quiet corner, playing on his IPhone, sometimes reading a magazine, sometimes playing with the grandkids but not really partaking of the festivities.

I've learned to leave him be during these family situations.

I enjoy myself with my mom and sisters and all of our kids and I leave him to his own devices. 

It works in a weird way.

Let me end this post by saying this-

I love this man. We all have our faults. Myself included. We all have our likes and dislikes.

But I sometimes wonder if God isn't trying to get me to help this man pull himself out of his doldrums by showing him the brilliantly colored leaf found on a sidewalk during a gray afternoon walk. Or the red and orange and pink sunrises and sunsets that look like fire in the sky.

Or by tasting that first snowflake, or seeing pictures in the clouds, or by smelling rain.

Or listening to family laugh and talk and prepare food so we can sit down and eat together.

Because honestly, what is my alternative here? 

Do I stop noticing these things myself then?

If I see something that stirs my senses, do I keep it to myself and not share it with him?

Do I stop trying to get him to see the beauty in this world?

Should I leave him be to wallow in this darkness by himself until the Spring thaw?

Do I not laugh with my sisters or enjoy the company of our large family?

How lonely would that be for him.

How lonely would that be for me too.

I don't have any answers here. 

I honestly think that light would help. But I am not the one who needs it.

I find that I am blessed to be able to see my way through life by a different kind of light.

I hope and pray that someday he can see his way through life by that same light too.

Thanks for reading,

Love, Lolly

EO

I've started diffusing essential oils in my home.
My best friend is a consultant through Young Living and gave me a diffuser and 10 different oils for my birthday in September.
I've been sick with and upper respiratory infection for the last 9 days (there's a big surprise).
Yesterday I started diffusing Thieves. I thought it smelled great. A little clove-y, a little bit like medicine maybe, but my son said he smelled a rotting dead body.
My husband said it wasn't that bad, but that yes, it didn't smell all that great.
The two of them think oils are a bunch of mumbo jumbo.
Whatever...I like the way they smell and I like the way they make the house smell too.
So I diffuse it while they are away at work.
I'm also using over the counter decongestants Sudafed and Mucinex, Emergen C, and drinking lots of hot green tea with honey and ice water with slices of lemon.
I feel better than I did last week, so there is that.

Still feeling positive and upbeat about the rest of my life.
Still sleeping through the night most of the time; sometimes even without a pill for assistance.
Yay progress!

That's it for now.
It's raining and I need to pick up my grandson from school and drop off my granddaughter at Ballet class.

Thanks for reading,
Love, Lolly

Thank You for Each Moment

Thank You for Each Moment

Lord, thank you for each moment,
for the blue-sky moment,
the softening earth,
the refreshing wind,
the yellow bush,
for my full heart
and the joy rising in me.

Soften me
to receive whatever comes as a gift and to praise you in it.

Lord, thank you for each moment
for the twilight moment,
the pause,
the good tired,
for the quiet reflection,
the slowing down,
the mysterious sunset,
for the wisdom growing inside me.

Gentle me
to feel whatever comes as a gift
and to praise you in it.

Lord, thank you for each moment,
for the midnight moment,
the loneliness,
the fretful wondering,
for the watchful stars,
the long ache,
the sleepless wait,
and the hope straining in me.

Focus me
to see whatever comes as a gift
and to praise you in it.

Lord, thank you for each moment,
for the high-noon moment,
the job,
the necessary routine,
for the sweaty struggle,
the impulse to change,
and the courage gathering in me.

Ground me
to wrestle with whatever comes as a gift
and to praise you in it.

Lord, thank you for each moment,
for the shared moment,
the listening,
the unguarded word,
for the fragile openness,
the ready smile,
the accepted difference,
for my passionate heart
and the trust rooting in me.

Stretch me
to grow with whatever comes as a gift
and to praise you in it.

Thank you for each moment,
for the charged moment,
the confrontation,
for the hard decision,
the unexpected growing,
for my intense heart
and the truth expanding in me.

Free me
to be open to whatever comes as a gift
and to praise you in it.

Thank you for each moment,
for the holy moment,
the music,
the child’s eyes,
for the sunlight,
the touch,
the tears,
for the trembling pleasure,
the unutterable beauty,
for the life and love and heart in me aware,
and the wholeness spreading in me.

Touch me
through whatever comes as a gift
That I may be grateful
and praise you in it.

~from Guerrillas of Grace by Ted Loder

One of my favorites by Ted Loder. His poetry reads like the prayers that go through my own mind. But he's much better at writing them down than I am.

My prayers usually come out more like Anne Lamott's words-

Help Lord

Thanks Lord

Wow Lord

Thanks for reading,

Love, Lolly

#Metoo x 4

I am a #Me too.
In case you don't know what that hashtag stands for, it is representative of women and girls who have been sexually harassed or attacked or raped sometime in their lives.

I was 9 the first time I was inappropriately touched sexually by my brother and two of the neighborhood boys.
They took turns. They thought it was great, and said as much out loud to each other. It went on for 4 years.
And I never told another living soul until I was an adult.
I had confided in my husband of course. But then I met this woman through our local elementary school, our daughters had become friends and so we became friendly; meeting for coffee and chatting on the  phone.
She confided to me that her brother had done horribly inappropriate sexual things to her as a child.
I told her my story and felt a kinship with her; here at last was a woman who would understand what I had gone through. But the very next day, she told her neighbor my story and her neighbor just happened to be my cousin, then my cousin told my aunt and then my cousin told my sisters and then my cousin called and told my mother. My mother called to confront me and said that they did not believe my story and felt I had gotten caught up in the hysteria of this other woman's story. One sister even went so far as to say that SHE had never been touched or approached by our brother so it couldn't possibly be true. She wondered aloud if perhaps a counselor had put the notion into my head or maybe that I had dreamt it and then thought that in my mind it must be true.
To say I was devastated is an understatement.
I learned to not trust other women after that. And I never trusted another person with that secret.
It was never spoken about or brought up again with my family.

I was 11 the second time it happened. This time, a camp counselor who took advantage of me during a game of blind folded nature walks. There were 20 of us playing a game where we were tied together and blind folded and were told to use our ears to listen for nature sounds and our noses to smell clues as to where we were and what we might be near.
Never in a million years would I have guessed that I would have also needed my eyesight to see who "it" was who had touched me in such a vulgar matter. Was it only me? I don't know. I was too afraid to tell and too afraid to ask.  To this day I have no clue who did it.
I was 11 years old, flat as a board with no curves to speak of and I was in sixth grade.

As a high school sophomore I guess you could classify what happened to me as a date rape but it wasn't mean or vicious. I had initially said yes to my boyfriend about going all the way, then I changed my mind at the last minute but he didn't acknowledge my change of heart.
Instead he said "Wait..I'm almost done" and I cried the whole way through it.
I remember thinking in my head  This is what Cosmopolitan writes about? This is sex? Where's the fireworks? Where's the warm fuzzy feeling? Where's the love? 
Is that all there is? That was it?!?
(Nobody told me that all of that would come in due time with a man who respected me and loved me and pledged his life to me.  Even then, it took about 5 years of marriage before sex got any good.)

When I was 18 and working at a local lumber company, one of the Contractors
(a married man with 4 kids) took a liking to me. He was older than my own father. He would tell me sexually explicit jokes or say sexually explicit things to me. At the company Christmas party he asked me to dance and not knowing how to get out of it, I said ok. He stuck his tongue in my ear and whispered that he wanted to see me later.
I was freaked out and grossed out.
I told him that I had plans later, that me and my friends were all meeting at another local bar.
Later that night he showed up at the bar where me and my friends were and tried to buy me a drink. He asked me to dance again, though this time I refused both the drink and the dance.
He suggested that we take off and go to his place. He offered to drive me home. He put his hands on my shoulders and started massaging them.
My best friends boyfriend finally told him to get lost and he left.
The next day at work, my manager called me into his office and asked me had this man been bothering me.
I hesitated. My eyes must have widened because my manager said..."It's ok. You don't have to lie. He won't be bothering you ever again."
And with that, Mr. Contractor man was transferred to another location.
I never knew who told, and frankly I didn't care. I was thrilled that he was gone.


So.
Why am I telling you guys this story?
Mostly because it's been in the news lately and so many women are posting #Metoo on their social media accounts.
It's surprising and shocking and sad.
It boggles the mind how many women there are who have been abused in some form or another.
So I figure if they are all going to share their stories maybe it was time for me to share mine and hopefully this is the right time and place to share it.
A place where I feel supported, where I have friends, a place that feels safe to me.

Anyway...that's all I've got.
Thanks for reading,
Love, Lolly

Learning as I rise

Some days I feel like my light is flickering, like I am slowly fading out of existence. But every now and then another tiny flame, refusing to be snuffed out, echoes in response. Every now and then I feel like I am coming back to life.


 My sense of belonging began from the moment I placed my hand in God’s and said, I’ll go with you. Lead the way.


In the darkness, in the stuff you don't think you can survive, God sends angels
 in the form of human beings~ Hannah Brencher


"Life will break you. Nobody can protect you from that, and living alone won’t either, for solitude will also break you with its yearning. You have to LOVE. You have to feel. It is the reason you are here on earth. You are here to risk your heart. You are here to be swallowed up. And when it happens that you are broken, or betrayed, or left, or hurt, or death brushes near, let yourself sit by an apple tree and listen to the apples falling all around you in heaps, wasting their sweetness. Tell yourself you tasted as many as you could. ~"Louise Erdrich


I see my authentic self, and I love what I see. I see the magnificence of my presence. I see the perfection in me, and this breaks any doubt that anyone else ever put in my head.


Stay tuned friends.
I am on the rise.

Thanks for reading,
Love, Lolly

Biding my time

I'm still here. Just biding my time. I feel better....finally. Anxiety is under control. Sleeping better too.
Medication is working even though I still keep trying to tell myself that I don't need it.
I've tried a few nights here and there without taking it only to find myself awake all night with nothing but my anxiety to keep me company.
I've started going to a Chiropractor twice  week. I aggravated my 55 year old back by mopping all of the floors in our house over the course of 1 day. Just about crippled myself.
It's been 4 weeks and I feel so much better, not just my back but I also have a lot more energy, and my hands aren't as numb. I simply feel better.
Also, my sister-in-law gave me some Essential Oils and a diffuser for my birthday. I've been using Purification and Lemongrass and Tangerine daily.
I just called her and asked her to bring over the other scents she has. Now I want to smell them all!

That's it for now. Just a quick note to let you know I'm still here.
I'm here and I feel like it's time to start burning off the chaff.
I feel my inner fire coming back.
And I'm so grateful. I've missed myself.
I've missed being here.
I miss you guys.

I'll be back,
Thanks for reading,
Love, Lolly