S.A.D.

When the Autumn rains come and it's gray and cloudy for days on end,
When the leaves are done blazing into color and lay in brown curled heaps on the ground,
When the wind whips up and the forecast starts to get colder,
When October begins turning into November and beyond....
The  S.A.D.  battles start.
This is a war of words, of tempers, of attitudes, of seemingly endless strife about nonsense.

And in this house it is every man for themselves.

It took us years to figure out what it was...is. 

We have finally given it a name.  But "we" don't do anything about it except argue.

He admits to having Seasonal Affective Disorder. 

He admits to the sadness and the blues and the irritation of the season.

When I suggested he buy a light, his response to me was-  

"They are too expensive".

He gets ornery, which gets me ornery. He becomes sensitive to words and requests and I feel like I'm walking on eggshells most days, not sure what is going to set him off.

This post will set him off.

Him and I have never been able to figure out how not to wound each other when we are at our worst.

Whether one of us is sick or tired or sad, it seems like the other finds the achilles heel and goes in for the kill.

At least that's the way I see it. That's the way I perceive it. That's how it feels to me.

When I get sick, my ears become filled with fluid. I become deaf as a post. It's hard to hear which makes me irritable. Constantly saying "What?" bothers me as much as it bothers him.

I've seen an ENT. I have significant hearing loss in my right ear. It's much worse when I'm sick.

The ENT suggested I educate my husband on dealing with a person who has hearing loss. 

He said to tell my husband to Rephrase the statement; Don't repeat it.

But for some reason, especially when I am under the weather, it pisses him off to have to continually repeat himself to me. 

A few days ago I asked him a question and misheard his answer, but also I don't have a problem with my eyes and I could visably see his face was angry and his eyebrows were drawn together and he answered me before I was even done speaking.

When I got mad at him for that he said- "Don't blame me for your lack of hearing".  Blame?!?

Now to be truthful, I wasn't looking to blame him for my lack of hearing. He was being rude by not letting me finish my question.

But he likes to throw that word around a lot -BLAME

Don't blame me. I'm not taking the blame for that. Blame yourself, not me. 

You're to blame.

When I ask him a question, he accuses me of blaming him for something.

Did you spill something? The floor is sticky.  

He'll say "Why do you blame me for that?"

I'M NOT BLAMING, I'M ASKING A QUESTION!

It's like a festering thorn under my skin and I'm tired of this blame game.

It is so unnecessary!

While we were out walking the dog, I found a brilliantly colored crimson leaf, then a bright orange one, then a red and yellow striped one. Look! I said and smiled. Aren't they beautiful?

And his response was to say-

Why do you do that to me? Do you do that on purpose?

Do what? I asked

Rub my nose in it.

What???

You know I hate Fall. Why are you showing me leaves? And why do you smile when you do it?

You're making me feel worse.

Sigh...Sometimes I think I am married to a crazy person.

 For the next 5 months he will be slightly unpleasant, sort of on edge, sort of cranky, unhappy.

The weather controls his moods especially during the Fall and Winter.

He doesn't know the definition of the word Petrichor; literally or figuratively.

He doesn't feel warm and cozy and safe and dry inside when it is gray and rainy and windy.

When it snows, he won't be able to see the glitter on the snow or taste the flakes on his tongue.

He will not be able to smell the way the icy cold air smells, or see the magic and brilliance as the snow glows under starlit skies.

He notices that I stare at sunrises and sunsets, yet he cannot see the beauty in them for hisself.

Red sky in the morning to him means... great, more rain this afternoon.

The holidays will come and go and he will keep mostly to himself at family functions.

He will sit in a quiet corner, playing on his IPhone, sometimes reading a magazine, sometimes playing with the grandkids but not really partaking of the festivities.

I've learned to leave him be during these family situations.

I enjoy myself with my mom and sisters and all of our kids and I leave him to his own devices. 

It works in a weird way.

Let me end this post by saying this-

I love this man. We all have our faults. Myself included. We all have our likes and dislikes.

But I sometimes wonder if God isn't trying to get me to help this man pull himself out of his doldrums by showing him the brilliantly colored leaf found on a sidewalk during a gray afternoon walk. Or the red and orange and pink sunrises and sunsets that look like fire in the sky.

Or by tasting that first snowflake, or seeing pictures in the clouds, or by smelling rain.

Or listening to family laugh and talk and prepare food so we can sit down and eat together.

Because honestly, what is my alternative here? 

Do I stop noticing these things myself then?

If I see something that stirs my senses, do I keep it to myself and not share it with him?

Do I stop trying to get him to see the beauty in this world?

Should I leave him be to wallow in this darkness by himself until the Spring thaw?

Do I not laugh with my sisters or enjoy the company of our large family?

How lonely would that be for him.

How lonely would that be for me too.

I don't have any answers here. 

I honestly think that light would help. But I am not the one who needs it.

I find that I am blessed to be able to see my way through life by a different kind of light.

I hope and pray that someday he can see his way through life by that same light too.

Thanks for reading,

Love, Lolly