I am not alone

I'm lonely.
I miss female friendships.
My BFF works so much and I rarely get to see or talk to her.
I feel a loss, an ache, an emptiness that is hard to describe.

I don't have seasonal affective disorder.
Fall and Winter are the times that I usually come alive!
The cooler weather, changing leaves, heartier foods
The smells, the decor, the holidays; it energizes me.

I feel this loss in the area of friendship.
Companionship, a Kindred Soul friend of sorts.

So I sit here and wonder to myself...
Am I gonna just sit here and mope about this?
How does one go about procuring new friends?
Where does one find these new friends?

In the middle of a personal season of stillness and quiet
Where do you suppose I should look?
The song "What a friend we have in Jesus" just came to mind.
And while that is all true and good
That's not what I'm talking about here.

I want someone who I can talk to, who's available to listen
Someone who gets me....the way I think, the way I am.

The irony is not lost on me here that what I'm looking for
 is what I have every Tuesday night at my 12 step meeting.

But I want that and more.
I want a group of  friends that I can talk about Jesus with.
My sister and I go to a Bible study every Thursday.
We are the youngest 2 people in the room by 20 years.

Dare I call them older folk stodgy old poops? Yes. I do dare.
I can see that they are comfortable in their faith
They are comfortable in their faith without question.
They are comfortable not knowing the answers that I am seeking.
I think my questions make them uncomfortable.
I want more from a Bible study than what is rote.

I wanna talk and study and ask questions about Jesus.

I know that I am not alone in the asking of these questions.
I am not alone in the wanting to know the answers.
There are other women bloggers that also are asking questions.
And most of these women bloggers are finding answers.
Through their faith. Through their daily readings. Through Bible study.
Through reading each others blogs.
Through believing in themselves and each other.
Through their voices.
Through belief that who they are is enough.

That God loves them just as they are, without question, without fail.

And the same is true for me.

Loved, just the way I am, without question, without fail.

And I am not alone in wanting to ask questions of Jesus
And I am not alone in wanting the answers from Jesus

And it's ok to be alone with myself while I wait for these answers.

And to trust that I am not alone, not really.

I can hear the word patience being whispered to my soul.
As if God himself is telling me to have patience.
And maybe that's all this is....me being too impatient
Feeling like I've been set on fire...
Like I must have all the answers I need right now!

When being alone to think and ponder without distractions
Is the thing that is really gonna help me in the long run.

Quiet contemplation of Jesus and his teachings
Instead of burning down the church with my soul on fire.

Mmmmm...oh...see there? All of a sudden the pieces start to fit together.

"God’s putting together all the pieces of the puzzle and He’ll fill what’s still missing with His peace." ~Ann Voskamp

I'm not lonely or alone.
I'm in His presence and He is teaching me to wait on Him.
In his timing, not mine.
Patience, patience, patience.
Even if my soul seems to be on fire.

Grace

Sundays church sermon was amazingly good.
Pastor Eric talked about the Martha and Mary story.
How Martha was sooo busy being mad at Mary for not helping her
that she failed to realize that it was Jesus sitting at her table.
How does one forget that fact?
That JESUS, in the flesh, is actually sitting at your dinner table?!
Well, shit!
He's not in the flesh, but I do that all the time, don't I??
Forget that He's there.
I forget to say Grace, to act graceful or even grateful.
I forget to say Thank you for the food I'm about to eat,
I forget all the time that Jesus is the invisible guest
That He sits at our dinner table every single day.
And Oh, look! There's me, acting like a Martha...
All pissy or fuming or aggravated about something.
When I should be grateful and thankful or at the very least
not acting pissy with a house full of children and grandchildren all getting ready to sit down to eat Sunday super together.
And lookee there!! Reread that last sentence will ya?
Look what I have!
* A house- with a roof, walls, electricity, indoor plumbing, appliances, clothes, furniture
* 3 Grown children- Healthy, happy, employed, living close to us
* 2 grandchildren- and another one on the way
* Food- bought from a store, stored in a full pantry, or kept in a fridge, and cooked on the stove
* Sitting down to eat Sunday Supper together, as a family
* Sitting down
* Eating
* Family
* Supper- and breakfast and lunch and snacks and desserts
* Sunday-getting to worship as we like, at the church of our choice

Look at all those things that I have to be grateful for!!!
How dare I act pissy or aggravated!
Do I not know how grateful others would be to have what I have?
Do I always have to be so ungrateful, so ungraceful all the time?

I told my husband that I think Pastor Eric is an actual Apostle.
I can truly see Jesus shining out through his eyes.
The way that he delivers a sermon is amazing.
The way he can make me think about the way that I conduct myself in daily life.
How un-Jesus like we all really are- even when we think we are acting holy.

I want to find a sign like this to hang in my dining room.
Right above the table.
Right where I can see it.
Every single time I sit my ass down to eat I can look up
And be reminded to not only say grace but to feel grace.
To allow more grace and gratitude into my life
To remind me to give my family members more grace
To love them all with Gods grace.
To be grateful for it all.

Praying for perfect

The chatter in my head never seems to cease and yet I've noticed that I'm only posting once a month.
How's that possible I ask myself??

There is so much that I process through my brain on a daily basis it's hard to imagine NOT writing it down just to get it out of my head!
I need to more disciplined I tell myself.
I should write in a notebook all day...jotting down whatever thought crosses my mind.
I'd fill that sucker up in a day!
When it comes to blogging I feel like a slug.
It's so hard to get started then it becomes awkward and difficult to make the sentences make sense. Does that  make sense?!
I suppose I'd have a bigger problem if anybody was reading this, but Annette doesn't stop by anymore and I'm not sure why.
To me this is more like a PC diary.
I should be grateful that I am able to write whatever I want to without being concerned that someone might read it.
Oh sure, I'd love some feed back but the writing is so poor and my thoughts seem so scrambled that I think whoever reads this would be like-
"Um Sweetie? Don't quit your day job."
No worries there! My day job is babysitting for my grandkids! HA!
I tried posting every day for 31 days that one time in October of 2012.
That was the Blogging for 31 days of  (fill-in-the-blank) that I did with the Nester.
I chose 31 days of Prayer.
Ran outta things to pray about in the first ten days!!
Well for Heaven's sake!! If a body can't blog about praying everyday for 31 days what's got me thinking I have anything to contribute on a regular basis?
Praying is something that I think is supposed to come naturally.
Aren't we supposed to be praying every day anyway??
Well sure! in a perfect world!!
Most days I forget to pray AND to blog.
With this 50 year old brain of mine I've been forgetting a lot lately.
Like lunch dates with friends, going to coffee with my sister in law, returning phone calls, blogging!!
Feels like my short term memory has been wiped out..... The slates clean!
So I'm going to try and post more often.
We'll see how that goes.
This post alone has taken me an hour to process, correct my grammar and type!
But hey!! practice makes perfect, Yes?!
OK then I'll pray for perfec......NO!!! Good Lord! What am I saying??
Maybe I'll just try to blog when I can and pray when I remember to pray.
How's that ?? That ok?
That's perfect.

Saved and surprised

I bought this tote bag for $12.50 after reading Ann Voskamp's blog post.

There was a limited supply- only 1,000 available to be purchased.
They sold out in under 1 hour.
I was one of the lucky ones who persevered thru the excruciatingly slow and what ended up being a crashing web site to the cart and checkout.
So many others couldn't even access the site.
I was feeling very satisfied with myself for having the patience to try, try, and try again to get thru to the site domain and for supporting a great cause.
When I got it in the mail 3 days later I squealed!
My son wanted to know what I was so excited about so I showed him the tote bag. He rolled his eyes at me after reading what the bag had written on it-

God's always good and you are always loved 
                       eucharisteo

And for a split second, he made me feel bad about myself.
Said something smart alecky about the women making the bags being moved from one form of slavery only to be put into another.
From Sex slavery to Sweat Shop laborer.
And I wondered for a split second if he was right.

It aggravated me that he had such a negative view.
It aggravated me that I felt like he was making fun of me.
It aggravated me that he rolled his eyes at the bag...
as if to say "Poor Mom...just doesn't get it".
And it aggravated me cuz it aggravated me!

We have different beliefs, my son and I, when it comes to God.
He used to be a believer, then he went to college.
Came home a different boy 2 years later.
Course I'm not the same person I was all them years ago either.
I didn't find God until I was 48. (Or rather He came looking for me is more like it)

Psalm 18:16

The Message (MSG)

16-19 But me he caught—reached all the way
    from sky to sea; he pulled me out
Of that ocean of hate, that enemy chaos,
    the void in which I was drowning.
They hit me when I was down,
    but God stuck by me.
He stood me up on a wide-open field;
    I stood there saved—surprised to be loved!

Love this Psalm. And it's so true for me at least.
I had no idea the depths I had sunk to.
No clue that I was seething with rage and self righteous behavior.
Bitter, judgemental, holier than thou.
Had no relationship with Him at all.

Oh sure, I went to church every year at Christmas.
Went again on Easter Sunday.
Took my kids to Sunday School.
But I detested going to church the rest of the year.
It was boring.
I had a million other things that I needed to get done.
The pastor talked about a God that I didn't want to know.
Fire and Brimstone type preaching sometimes.
I never came away from a sermon wanting more.
Ever.

Until I heard His voice.
Until He called my name.
Until I had no where to go but into His arms.
Until He reached down and saved me...mostly from myself.
And, yes, I was surprised to say the least.
Cuz I didn't deserve it.

But that's what is so great about God.
That's why I loved this bag....

God's always good and you are always loved 

I didn't know that was possible.
I'd never before felt the love of God.
I wondered why God was so mean sometimes.
Why He caused bad things to happen to people.
Why he let bad things happen.
Wondered to myself why He was so vengeful and angry.

But when He saved me???
I learned that He wasn't an angry God out to punish me.
He's a compassionate God who was willing to save me.
From all of the damage that I had inflicted upon myself and those around me.
He was willing to forgive me for being so angry at Him.
He showed me that He was a loving God.
He showed me that He was good.
And He showed me that I was loved.
Always.

Two songs by Mandisa that I thought went well with today's post-

What if it's God speaking

He is with you

                    

Monday, Monday....

I am amazingly happy today and it feels so good!
It was a great weekend.
Friday night we went out to dinner with the in-laws.
Saturday we had husbands 50th birthday party.
Lynnie ought to be real proud of herself.
She  did a great job with the food, the planning....everything.
I don't know how to thank her for all she did.
With the exception of 14 people not showing who said that that they would,
the party came off without a hitch.

Great weather, low humidity, and no rain !!
Pontoon family boat ride on the river,
Eatin' under shady trees
A breeze coming off the river,
Reconnecting with old friends.....
We had a wonderful, wonderful time!
Lotsa memories and a stunning sunset to boot.


I shopped for groceries right after church
so the house is stocked with food.
Sunday afternoon we spent doing yard work and house work.
Laundry, dishes, mopping floors, mowing the lawn.
How does a house get sooo trashed when we weren't even home all weekend??
Felt good to get the cleaning done tho.
This morning the grand kids came early at 7:30 am
Grandson walked in with Grampa's party balloons tied to his "pack pack".
Grandaughter had been asleep when her Momma put her in the car seat
When she woke up at my house, her little face was all tired and sleepy
with little tiny purple bags under her eyes!
Why this is so cute and charming to me I don't know
Purple bags under my eyes never looked cute or charming! Ha!!
As I type this she is alternating between growling and giggling at her little stuffed lovie.
Grandson is eating "can-cakes" and cut up "aw sterries" and watching cartoons
This morning when I went out to water I saw two cardinals in the tree.
A male and a female. A couple maybe??
The rain barrel was full so I emptied it into my gardens.
Hopefully it will rain again later today and fill it back up.
The house is clean and cool and quiet even with the cartoons playing in the background.
I can feel the happy down in the pit of my stomach
Life, as I know it today, is great!

Losing my cool

I'm hot
I'm aggravated
Outside the heat index is 107
I need to water the plants
and as I spray the Hostas a large moth flies out and scares the crap outta me
(I think it's a bee at the time)
causing me to yank the hose
which gets caught on a branch
which makes the wet and dirty hose
drag across my clean shirt
leaving a trail of mud behind.
I get in the shower
drop the soap
nick myself shaving.
When I'm done I put on my terry cloth robe
which immediately causes me to start sweltering
even tho my husband has the AC set at 69!!
Digging through my drawers
looking for another cool summer shirt
I realize that I am digging through
WAY. TOO. MANY. CLOTHES.
that no longer fit me.
I discard shirt after shirt after shirt
useless, too tight, too short, too whatever
My hair is wet and aggravating the shit outta me
I don't like the way it is cut.
Wish that I could put it up in a pony tail.
Instead it clings to my face and neck
trying to strangle me
The dogs want to go out and they keep following me around
scratching at my feet or at door frames
reminding me that they want to go out.
I can feel them under my feet as I lurch from room to room
in that mother F-ing sweltering terry cloth robe
with a stinging cut on my leg
and hair sticking to my face and neck
too fat to wear last years Summer tank tops.
I just want to get dressed.
I go to sit down at my desk, light my candle
(which I like to think represents Gods light and presence)
and I find my son watching movies in the living room.
His allergies are acting up this morning
so all I hear is sneezing and coughing and nose blowing
and it feels like nails on a chalkboard to me.
I start reading my devotionals and my son starts to talk.
Telling me about the 2 movies he is watching simultaneously.
I move to my bedroom and find that the oscillating fan is squeaking
at a decibel only my dogs can hear...like a high pitched whine.
To turn it off would be akin to placing my bedroom in an oven
since the room faces the Sun,
so AC or no AC, the temp ramps up pretty quickly without air movement.
Leaving my squeaky, hot bedroom on my way to the kitchen, I step in a puddle of pee.
I haven't let the dogs out yet.
Guess I don't have to anymore.
Tsk.
Not their fault. They tried to tell me. Repeatedly.
In the kitchen, I think that I will make an iced coffee.
Cool myself down a bit.
Open the fridge. No ice.
Husband took both bags with him when he went fishing yesterday.
Defeated. Fail. Exasperated. What other words fit here?
Believe you me!!!  I am desperately trying to find the lesson in all of this.
Patience maybe??
Read devotionals and light my God's presence candle before I start my day?
Get a new lighter weight robe?
Lose 15 pounds?
Take the dogs out before I shower?
Jesus, if you're listening to this rant of mine I beg you to forgive me.
I know how truly blessed I am.
So here's my prayer-
God
Thank you for waking me up on this wonderful warm Summer day.
Thank you for the beautiful flowers that are thriving in my garden.
Thank you for my house and indoor showers and terry cloth robes.
Thank you for my dogs, and paper towels and large sized tank tops.
Thank you for my sneezing and coughing and nose blowing boy.
Thank you for the husband that took 2 whole bags of ice to go fishing.

Thank you for Iced Tea instead of Iced Coffee.
Thank you for letting me rant  and rave.
Thank you for loving me anyway.
Amen

This is perfect- click to read

Keep your head up, keep your heart strong

I found these 2 questions on another blog:

How has loneliness been a part of your faith journey with Jesus?

When I started on this faith journey, I was feeling a million things.

I was mourning the loss of my sister,

We had just put our beloved dog to sleep,

I was feeling humiliated for being fired from my old job,

I was stressed because no one was hiring during this recession.

(When I finally did get hired it was by a woman who owned her own company

She ended up verbally abusing me; and telling the other workers that I was crazy. I was with her company for a year.)
But I wouldn't have ever said that I was lonely.

One day I was driving into work listening to a Christian radio station

when the female DJ asked the listening audience- 

Are you in a dark place in your life?

Are you lonely?

At a dead end job?

Are you in a bad relationship with nowhere to turn?

Are you looking for someone to save you?

Are you looking for a Savior?

Jesus can save you friend. Jesus loves you. He cares about you. 

Turn to Jesus.

I immediately started bawling right there in the car,

on the highway, on my way to work.

To me, it felt like it was Jesus saying these words to me
and not a female DJ with a southern accent.

I felt His presence. 

It felt like He was talking directly to ME!

And it made me feel crazy.

And I cried for days.

When I told my sister what had happened in the car

she said that hearing the voice of God usually does make people cry.

And that made me cry. Mostly because she believed me.

I started reading anything and everything I could get my hands on

that would keep me close to Jesus.

Spiritual books, prayer books, The Message Bible.

I joined a Bible study. Then another.

I started listening to Worship music.

I started looking for life quotes that I could put up as my status on Facebook

I started walking with my worship music in my ears

And that helped me to start seeing that God was everywhere!

In a blade of grass, in the leaves of trees, in red birds sitting in bushes

In flowers, in gardens, in clouds and rain, in sunrises and sunsets.

To answer the question at the beginning of this post-

This. This is where it got lonely.

I was reading the Bible by myself

I was listening to worship music by myself
I was walking by myself

I was seeing God in the birds and flowers and clouds by myself

The deeper and more profound the quote of the day that I posted on my Facebook page, the quieter it got in my life.

It was as if everybody knew that I was going thru something huge

Yet no one asked me about it.

And I didn't want to say anything to anyone either

lest they think I was crazier than I already felt.

Also, it just felt like this was something that I had to do on my own.

God was asking me to open my eyes, to become grateful, 

To see and appreciate the beauty that was all around me, 

To see the beauty that was in my life

He was teaching me how to worship Him

How to thank Him

How to not take anything or anyone for granted

How everything He does is either a lesson or a blessing.

For me, it wasn't a bad sort of loneliness.

I don't think that I could have shared this journey with anyone at the time.

It felt too personal. Too raw. Too emotional.

And question #2-

What are the words that Jesus is speaking into your soul today?

This question can best be summed up with the song below.

Love, love, love this song!

Because this is what it feels like now!

After 2 years, it feels like I am coming outta the darkness.

It feels like He is saying the exact same thing to me-

Keep your head up, keep your heart strong.