Better late than never

February 2nd
So much for starting my new 30 day writing challenge on time.
It's already day two and I didn't finish day one's prompt.
Not only did I not finish it, I couldn't finish it.
I couldn't find 10 things that make me really happy.
I found 8 things. But not the required 10.
I wracked my brain trying to come up with stuff.
After a while it all started to sound silly and fake and forced.
I found myself wanting to write down anything, just to get to that number 10.
I thought to myself -
"Are you really this unhappy? You can't even find 10 things that make you really happy?"
And that voice in my head started to feel like shame.
Because to tell you the truth I don't feel unhappy. I feel lonely sometimes.
I feel stressed and worried sometimes. But I don't feel like I am unhappy.
But I'll tell you something else...
My attempt at some misguided idea of perfection at finding all ten things
WAS making me unhappy.
For shitssake! Why was I driving myself crazy trying to find all 10??
Who gives a damn if I can only list 6 or 7 or 8??
I had to remind myself that this is a writing challenge, not a contest that I would win.
I still find myself struggling with writers block...still can't find reasons to post much.
For what it's worth though? I think it will help me in the long run if I push through this block.
So here's my list of 8 things that make me really happy-

1. The colors of sunrise- blue. white, gray, orange, yellow, peach, pink, red, lavender, lilac.
2. Riding our Harley- the sights, the sounds, the smells. Two weeks ago on a Saturday it was 55 degrees here in Illinois so him and I took the Harley out for a quick spin. It was glorious.
3. Grandchildren-beautiful, cute, horrid, smelly, wonderful, tiny humans with unconditional love.
4. Monday mornings- a brand new week with endless possibilities.
5. Friday evenings- the chance to unwind from that endless week of possibilities. Nowhere to go. Nothing to do.
6. Reading-  I rate reading right up there with breathing, eating and sleeping. I need it in order to survive. It saves me daily.
7. Spring planting- Love the smell of dirt. Love putting in new plants and watching them thrive.
8. Pinterest- My favorite boards are my color boards. I used to feel guilty for wasting my time pinning pictures but I realize that I use these images as self care. These images make me feel good. Or really happy as the case may be.

So there you have it. Scintillating reading, yes??

Thanks for reading friends,
Love, Lolly

Start with why

At the beginning of January I started a new 30 day gratitude challenge.

The instructions were as follows-

Why are you here? Why are you doing this?  Why even bother with a 30 day gratitude challenge?

Set a timer and write for five minutes and really reflect on why. Is it your family? Is it to pay it forward somehow? Is it because you've been in an ungrateful Eeyore-like funk?

My 5 minute written answer was this-

Because I'm sad and lonely and tired. Because I yell too much. Because I just want the house to be quiet, but when it is the silence is deafening.

Because I drink too much wine on bad days and I eat the wrong kinds of food, and I don't like my weight or my graying hair or my dry skin.

Because I used to see God everywhere and it made me cry happy tears. It was wonderful and somehow it all turned ordinary again. I want the WOW back.

Because I'm filled with anxiety and I don't know why. Because it's been a nerve wracking 6 months and I feel exhausted and stretched too thin. Because I know God is out there and I've forgotten somehow how to find Him. Because my gratitude list used to be full to bursting and lately I've struggled to find anything besides the mundane things to be grateful for. 

It's been said that writing can make one well. But I feel like I'm in a word desert. Dried up.

I'm not sure if I need to take a break or push myself to write more.

I keep pinning new and different types of journal prompts on my Pinterest account and then I never look at them again. Except for this one. 

This one caught my eye and this one made me feel like I had an AHA moment.

I feel like I need to push myself to see if writing more will pull me out of this ungrateful slump I'm in.

So starting February 1st  I'm going to try doing this 30 day writing challenge here on my blog.

No pressure...if I don't write for a day, it's no big whoop. 

But I'd like try and stick with it.

Wish me luck faithful readers. And don't forget to check back in with my blog on February 1st to see what 10 things make me really happy.

As always, Thanks for reading!

Love, Lolly

Gobsmacked

OK, so here's the thing...
I've been having panic attacks daily for a solid week now.
Debilitating attacks where my face goes numb, my hands and arms go numb, and it feels like I can't swallow or breathe. I break out into a cold sweat which then turns into an intense flushing of heat.
It makes my flight response kick in, which in turn produces more adrenaline which makes me feel more panicky which then makes me feel like I am going to pass out.
These panic attacks are accompanied by an awful feeling of dread and sometimes chest pain.

And it is only panic and anxiety that is causing this.
How do I know?
Because when I am busy or otherwise occupied I don't have any of those symptoms.
When I'm not dwelling on the anxiety I don't feel any anxiety.

Case in point-
I headed to church this morning and got gobsmacked with a panic attack one block away from home.
Do I keep heading towards church or do I turn around and go home?
Driving?!? I shouldn't be driving!! Wait!!! I forgot how to drive. I can't swallow!! I need to pull over.
Breathe...Breathe...swallow...gasp...swallow! Calm down..you're ok..you're ok.. breathe.
I called out for YAHWEH loudly. Then again...YAHWEH...please.....

You'd think that church would be the place to be whilst having an anxiety attack, wouldn't you?
Worship music, people I love and care about, a kindly pastor, the presence of Jesus, all the good feels.
No? maybe not but I was at war with myself and I knew I couldn't sit in church for an hour while this monster known as anxiety chewed me up.

After church I was planning on going to Target to pick up my husbands prescription.
In that split second decision where I had to turn left in to the church parking lot or continue going straight and drive down the road to Target, I made my choice and Target won.
Tsk...I know, right?
How bad is my anxiety if I can make a decision about where I'd like to go to stave off this attack?
I needed to get his meds, I needed 2 gallons of milk and I needed (wanted) a bottle of wine.
(Full disclosure- I've been medicating myself nightly with a glass or two of Pinot Grigio. It helps me relax and sleep.)
I figured I could run in get those few things and get out before my anxiety got any worse.
As I pulled into a parking spot  who should I see but my best friend in the whole wide world.
She was standing by the cart return which was next to my car and talking on her cell phone.
I nearly jumped out of my car to say Hi to her.  "You're my God moment for the day" I said to her.
I quickly filled her in on my panicky happenings as we stood there for 20 minutes talking to each other, and we could've talked for longer but we each needed to get on with our day.
I thanked her for being my angel and headed in to the store realizing that for the last 20 minutes I hadn't felt short of breathe or panicky or numb. No chest pain, no trouble swallowing, no trouble talking or thinking or walking. No passing out. Nothing.

It wasn't until I was heading home with my milk and wine and his meds that
I remembered calling out to YAHWEH as I was on my way to the store. YAHWEH...YAHWEH...please...

How quickly I forget....
At home again I remembered that I hadn't read any of my devotionals this morning.
Imagine my surprise when I read this-

-Jesus Calling Devotion For January 15-

My Face is shining upon you, beaming out Peace that transcends understanding. You are surrounded by a sea of problems, but you are face to Face with Me, your Peace. As long as you focus on Me, you are safe. If you gaze too long at the myriad problems around you, you will sink under the weight of your burdens. When you start to sink, simply call out “Help me, Jesus!” and I will lift you up.

The closer you live to Me, the safer you are. Circumstances around you are undulating, and there are treacherous-looking waves in the distance. Fix your eyes on Me, the One who never changes. By the time those waves reach you, they will have shrunk to proportions of My design. I am always beside you, helping you face today’s waves. The future is a phantom, seeking to spook you. Laugh at the future! Stay close to Me.

And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
—Philippians 4:7

Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus. But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, “Lord, save me!”
—Matthew 14:30

Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.
—Hebrews 12:2

Not to be out done by that one... but I read another devotional every day too.
This one is titled TO: YOU Love, GOD by Will Bowen, and here is what that one said for today-

To: You
When you worry, you sit downstream fretting over what the flowing current of life might bring.

What you fail to realize is that worry actually places the very thing you fear into the stream above you. Your anxious predictions then float by, and you conclude that worrying was justified.

Beloved one, know that worry anticipates; therefore, worry creates.

You were not born to worry. It was taught to you and reinforced by your own experience until it became habitual.

Begin now to create a new habit. Whenever you notice yourself beginning to worry, replace your troubling thoughts with thoughts of blessings and statements of faith.

Give thanks for what is going well. Place positive expectations into the stream above you and know that soon-very soon-they will drift down into what you call reality.

Love,
GOD

Talk about being gobsmacked!!!

It made me wonder if I had read those devotionals before I headed out to church maybe I wouldn't have had another panic attack today. I don't know.
What I DO know is that whenever I call to YAHWEH or Jesus or GOD, HE answers me.
In the truest of ways...in whispers or calmness or deep breaths or timely scripture readings or putting my best friend near the cart return in the Target parking lot.
HE is always there for me, always available...I just need to remember to call out to HIM.
What a beautiful name it is....

Thanks for reading,
Love, Lolly

Ifin

Ifin you're wondering I'm still here.
My anxiety has kept me from writing.
I've heard it said that writing can make one well.
But I fear I've got writer's block too.

Please know that I have read your blog posts
I just haven't commented.
That's terribly rude of me, I know.

Birdie's kids came home during the holidays!!
Linda saved her Frenchie from strangling!!
Annette is gonna be a Grandma!!
Julie threw up in the grocery store! (sorry Julie)

I know why my anxiety has been super high lately.
And I am working on it.
I'm giving it to God daily and praying a lot.

I'll write a new post when I can.
As always...Thanks for reading.

Love, lolly

The ebb and flow

I clean the house and feel excitement flow through me....Christmas is coming.
Jesus' birthday, presents for the kids, time spent with family.

I wake at 2am with a stomach ache and the gladness ebbs out.
I can't sleep so I will sit here in the dark and worry about a gut ache.

I wrap presents for the grandkids and the Christmas excitement returns;
Only to ebb back out again as my back cramps and my knees ache from kneeling on the floor, in the middle of a large pile of presents and gift wrap, for far too long.

In April I inherited my sisters Amish style cupboard. I don't know anything about the cupboards history but it smells old inside, like an antique store. The hinges creak and the wood shows some wear but I love it. It reminds me of my sister and I'm glad to have it.
It has sat in the garage since last year because we had no room for it, well, not really no room, just that we needed to rearrange and get rid of some other furniture first.
We got 9 inches of snow this past weekend and 8 inches of snow the weekend before that.
I tell you that because this cupboard was stored in front of our snowblower in the garage and we couldn't get the blower out without moving the cabinet first, so that is why the cabinet is now in the house.
It's been standing in the middle of the living room for a week now.
Blocking the flow of traffic and partially blocking  the view of our Christmas tree.

At 7:30 Sunday night, after cleaning the house and doing laundry all day and then wrapping presents for 5 hours I was ready for bed.
That's when he decided he wanted the cabinet moved into the kitchen.
Crap.
We moved it and now the cabinet is in the kitchen and it doesn't look all that great. It's wider than I thought. Bigger too.
And the stain on the cupboard is darker than the stain on the kitchen cabinets.
Crap crap.
Maybe I just need to get used to it being there, to seeing it there.
Maybe it'll grow on me.
Maybe I can fill it up with all the junk and clutter from around this house and never have to open the doors of this cupboard again.

Up, down, back, forth, in, out, high, low, ebb and flow.
It surprises me how quickly I can go from one to the other.

Most of my issues are first world problems, I know.
Should I use the red paper with holly or the blue paper with snowflakes?
Kneeling in the middle of a large pile of gifts purchased for our grandchildren.
Sometimes a stomach ache is from the fact that I ate too much at dinner.
I own too much clutter and need to get rid of it instead of hiding it in my sisters cupboard.

I didn't start out writing this post as a lament. But that is what it has turned into.
Somewhere on the internet I read that people who feel too much are called Empaths.
The news is frightening and I cannot watch it. And yet I have.
People are starving and dying and fleeing through the dark and the rubble.
While I complain that my knees ache from kneeling on the floor.

In the town next to ours, a car was stolen from a grocery store parking lot.
Left inside that car was the family's tiny little Chihuahua.
It was all over the news.
The weather was slated to turn sharply colder with temps well below zero at night.
Two days passed. No sightings, no updates, no car, no dog.
The family just wanted their dog back- no questions asked.
It disturbed me greatly. I knew what could happen to a Chihuahua abandoned and out in the cold.
Please God, I prayed. Please bring this dog home. Please! Please let him be found alive.

A man out for a walk with his own dog found the Chihuahua shivering and alone on a bike path on the third day. The car thieves had indeed left him off somewhere, to battle the elements on his own.
He was alive! He was unharmed. He was returned to his owners.
I thanked God and cried tears of joy.
I think we all could use a bit of a Christmas miracle sometimes.

This little miracle didn't alter the course of the world.
Or maybe it did.
All I know is that it lifted my spirits and gave me a sense of all was right in the world again,
if only for that one small moment in time.

(This post is rambling and I apologize for that.)


Wishing you all a Merry Christmas and a very Happy new Year!

Thanks for reading!
Love, Lolly

write what you see

12/07/16

I found this amazing quote-

Write what you see
Fear not;
Write what you have seen

I have no idea who wrote it but when I read it the very first time it almost knocked me over.
In my head I heard a loud resounding YES!
Yes! Write what you see! Write what you have seen!
So with that in mind, today I will write what I see.

We live on a fairly busy street so I see cars and buses and trucks driving past our house all day long.
Where are all these people going I sometimes wonder to myself.
To work? Do they hate their job? Love it? Is today their first day? Or maybe their last? Will they get that promotion they wanted? Will they get a nice Christmas bonus? Will they get fired or layed off?
To school? Did they have to scream at the kids 10 times today to brush their teeth and get their shoes on? Did they remember to pack lunch money and mittens and tissues and homework? Did they breathe a sigh of relief as they pulled away from the drop off zone, the car quiet once more?
The grocery store? Just for a couple of things...hahaha, because they always come out of the store with a lot more than they intended? Do they realize that some people are going hungry today and what a huge blessing it is that they can afford to overspend on snacks and cookies and extra meat for the freezer? Did they see the Salvation Army bell ringer out front of the store freezing his butt off in his too thin Santa suit?
Library?  What book are they hoping to check out? What book  are they returning? What book are they searching for? Cooking techniques? Flower gardens? Better relationships? How to remodel the rec room? Poetry by Luci Shaw? God?
Post Office? Mailing Christmas cards? The final car payment? An overdue light bill with the hopes that their service won't be turned off during the upcoming holidays? Picking up packages sent from Aunt Sue even though it contains the same type of ugly, scratchy sweaters every single year, and they hate them? Dropping off their own packages to be mailed to the grandkids that live in Arizona and they miss those grandkids more than words can say?
Dr. appointments? Are they sick? Are they well? Are they afraid? Are they elated?

(In case you were wondering, I am the person at the library searching for poetry by Luci Shaw. The rest of the questions and people above are hypothetical.)


We had 5 inches of snow fall on Sunday. Most of it is melting off of the roof today and it is dripping down the window, which means icicles will form later tonight.
They're predicting 4-8 inches of snow will fall this coming Saturday night.
I can see our Christmas tree lights glowing. It reminds me that I really need to get started on my Christmas shopping. We went looking for gifts last Saturday and came home sorely disappointed with nothing to show for our 4 hours of shopping.
Maybe we will have better luck shopping online through Amazon.

I can see that it has taken me 3 hours to type this much. Time to get a move on with my day.

Thanks for reading,
Love  Lolly

Song of Praise

Let Wonder Have Its Way With Me

O God, your gracious Spirit
moves over the mysteries of living and dying
and is strangely present to me
in the falling leaves,
the call of wild geese,
a child's birth,
the light in a friend's eyes,
the sudden lifting of the heart,
and the deep longing which brings me to you now.
Make me aware of your presence
that wonder may have its way with me,
my passion be released,
my confidence renewed in the depths of your holiness
until, for a moment,
my longing for you be fulfilled
and I know I am really free
to share bread and intimacy,
to laugh and exchange mercy,
to be at ease in my struggles,
bold in my loving,
brave in facing down my terror,
hopeful in the rising music of your kingdom,
joyful in my living,
and graceful in my life becoming
a song of praise ever sung to you.

— Ted Loder in Guerrillas of Grace