Feb. 5 List five places you want to visit
1. Italy
I want to taste real Italian food made in Italy and not "Italian" food made at The Olive Garden chain of restaurants. I'd like to try the cheese and wine and bread. I want to see Rome and the Colosseum and the Spanish Steps. I want to see tiny villages with cobblestone streets. I've seen an episode of the TV show Everybody Loves Raymond where the entire family went to Italy and the scenery they showed was beautiful, stunning. I googled it and found out it was the town of Anguillara. It's a small fishing village on lake Bracciano, a 45 minute drive NW of Rome. I want to go there. Maybe the Island of Capri...pictures I've seen of that are stunning also.
2. Ireland
I'd like to see the green rolling hills, the craggy shoreline, fieldstone walls and lambs in the countryside. I want to eat in small Irish pubs and maybe drink a pint (but not Guinness) and listen to the fiddle music. I'd like to slowly make my way through the churches with the stained glass windows.
3. Maine
Another coastal rocky shoreline with pine trees and cabins hidden in the woods. I want to visit Portland, Bar Harbor and Camden..the towns that have the best pictures of trees in the fall. And Acadia National Park, spectacular sunsets, Lighthouses, Lobster and fresh crab cakes.
4. The Pacific Northwest
I want to see the rainy, foggy, misty green forests, I want to make my way north to Canada to see Birdie somewhere near Vancouver, I want to see Haystack Rock and that bridge in Oregon called Multnomah Falls.
5. The Holy Land
I want to walk where Jesus walked. The sea of Galilee, the town of Bethlehem the river Jordan. It's better in my mind because in reality there are military people everywhere and they've reduced most of the holy sights to tourist traps. And it's crowded. Our Pastor went 2 years ago and showed us pictures and told us what it was like. My question to our Pastor was how did it smell. I imagined it was a pungent odor with all of the heat and crush of people wedged into tiny spaces. He said Yes sometimes the smell of humanity was a bit much. His favorite spot was the sea of Galilee. I'd like to sit there for a bit and soak it all in.
Maybe someday...
As always Thanks for reading,
Love, Lolly
I'm a terrible writer.
I am.
I sound whiny and self centered even to my own ears.
I go back and read some of my older stuff and I cringe.
"Good Lord Lolly..what were you thinking?"
I doubt myself, I chastise myself, I second guess myself.
Then I hit the Publish key anyway.
And do you know why? Emily Freeman that's why.
She's kind and gentle and caring.
At least in her writings she is.
I've never met her in real life.
But she inspires me in so many ways.
Her honesty, her way with words, and her deep love for Jesus really speak to me.
She gives me permission to be myself simply by showing me how to follow Jesus more closely.
This post?? Made me almost want to weep.
It's like she knows me.
Her words resonate deep into my soul like a healing balm.
Her posts make me feel included and less alone.
Yes, I know that it seems strange for me to feel included and less alone while writing on a computer miles and miles away from another living soul but it works for me.
My blog has brought me closer to you dear readers too.
Sometimes it's You who make me feel included and less alone.
I'm gonna skip day 2's prompt for now mainly because I can't think of anything.
(Feb. 2nd-Write about something that someone told you about yourself that you never forgot)
(uh...well, I forgot so...blaming that on this menopause brain of mine)
SO, without further ado....
Day 3- My top 3 Pet Peeves 1. Arriving late
I am never late. Or rather I am not the one that causes me, him, us to be late. Ever.
I would rather arrive early and I am always ready on time or even before. Someone else is never ready early and is always running late and it causes friction. It feels passive/aggressive to me when a body is late to every single event whether it is a wedding or dinner out with friends or going to church. It's taken me the better part of 35 years to not get aggravated at him for ALWAYS BEING LATE and in turn making me late. But it's not just him. It's both of my daughters, and my sister, and my best friend that are chronically late. You'd think I'd be used to it by now but sadly that is not the case. Lately here though I've been trying to find a God moment in their lateness. While I used to fidget and tap my foot and huff and sigh with my coat on and my purse on my shoulder now I am looking around and asking God what does he want me to see or hear or experience whilst I am waiting. Sometimes it's the simple fact of gazing out the window at the birds at the feeder or sitting quietly while petting the dog without the sighing and fretting. It forces me to calm down and take a deep breath and just Be. Still. Calm. Silent.(without the seething)
2. Malicious Gossip Don't we all know a person who does this? And isn't it awful and toxic to be around them? It hurts me to hear other people spread rumors and lies about another. What I usually find is that the person spreading or retelling the gossip is exactly like the person they are vilifying. I am a coward though. I clam up and don't defend them or respond in any way. I will try and change the subject but I freeze up when it comes to confrontation so I don't or won't engage in conflict with the gossiper. It feels like I am guilty by association, I know.
I like to use this quote I found when it comes to gossip and or forwarding questionable news.
3. Extrapolating I want people to tell it like it is. Plain and simple and straight forward. It irritates me when I hear people retell a story with added adjectives and adverbs to make the story bigger, better, badder.
I think they tell it different because they want the attention of telling a great story, and why that irritates me I have no idea. I feel cranky and judgmental when I know they have added to the story for dramatic effect. As if the true version of the story wasn't worthy of being told unless there is/was a huge hoopla added.
And there you have. More scintillating reading I am sure. But I do like the discipline of the writing.
February 2nd
So much for starting my new 30 day writing challenge on time.
It's already day two and I didn't finish day one's prompt.
Not only did I not finish it, I couldn't finish it.
I couldn't find 10 things that make me really happy.
I found 8 things. But not the required 10.
I wracked my brain trying to come up with stuff.
After a while it all started to sound silly and fake and forced.
I found myself wanting to write down anything, just to get to that number 10.
I thought to myself -
"Are you really this unhappy? You can't even find 10 things that make you really happy?"
And that voice in my head started to feel like shame.
Because to tell you the truth I don't feel unhappy. I feel lonely sometimes.
I feel stressed and worried sometimes. But I don't feel like I am unhappy.
But I'll tell you something else...
My attempt at some misguided idea of perfection at finding all ten things
WAS making me unhappy.
For shitssake! Why was I driving myself crazy trying to find all 10??
Who gives a damn if I can only list 6 or 7 or 8??
I had to remind myself that this is a writing challenge, not a contest that I would win.
I still find myself struggling with writers block...still can't find reasons to post much.
For what it's worth though? I think it will help me in the long run if I push through this block.
So here's my list of 8 things that make me really happy-
1. The colors of sunrise- blue. white, gray, orange, yellow, peach, pink, red, lavender, lilac.
2. Riding our Harley- the sights, the sounds, the smells. Two weeks ago on a Saturday it was 55 degrees here in Illinois so him and I took the Harley out for a quick spin. It was glorious.
3. Grandchildren-beautiful, cute, horrid, smelly, wonderful, tiny humans with unconditional love.
4. Monday mornings- a brand new week with endless possibilities.
5. Friday evenings- the chance to unwind from that endless week of possibilities. Nowhere to go. Nothing to do.
6. Reading- I rate reading right up there with breathing, eating and sleeping. I need it in order to survive. It saves me daily.
7. Spring planting- Love the smell of dirt. Love putting in new plants and watching them thrive.
8. Pinterest- My favorite boards are my color boards. I used to feel guilty for wasting my time pinning pictures but I realize that I use these images as self care. These images make me feel good. Or really happy as the case may be.
So there you have it. Scintillating reading, yes??
At the beginning of January I started a new 30 day gratitude challenge.
The instructions were as follows-
Why are you here? Why are you doing this? Why even bother with a 30 day gratitude challenge?
Set a timer and write for five minutes and really reflect on why. Is it your family? Is it to pay it forward somehow? Is it because you've been in an ungrateful Eeyore-like funk?
My 5 minute written answer was this-
Because I'm sad and lonely and tired. Because I yell too much. Because I just want the house to be quiet, but when it is the silence is deafening.
Because I drink too much wine on bad days and I eat the wrong kinds of food, and I don't like my weight or my graying hair or my dry skin.
Because I used to see God everywhere and it made me cry happy tears. It was wonderful and somehow it all turned ordinary again. I want the WOW back.
Because I'm filled with anxiety and I don't know why. Because it's been a nerve wracking 6 months and I feel exhausted and stretched too thin. Because I know God is out there and I've forgotten somehow how to find Him. Because my gratitude list used to be full to bursting and lately I've struggled to find anything besides the mundane things to be grateful for.
It's been said that writing can make one well. But I feel like I'm in a word desert. Dried up.
I'm not sure if I need to take a break or push myself to write more.
I keep pinning new and different types of journal prompts on my Pinterest account and then I never look at them again. Except for this one.
This one caught my eye and this one made me feel like I had an AHA moment.
I feel like I need to push myself to see if writing more will pull me out of this ungrateful slump I'm in.
So starting February 1st I'm going to try doing this 30 day writing challenge here on my blog.
No pressure...if I don't write for a day, it's no big whoop.
But I'd like try and stick with it.
Wish me luck faithful readers. And don't forget to check back in with my blog on February 1st to see what 10 things make me really happy.
OK, so here's the thing...
I've been having panic attacks daily for a solid week now.
Debilitating attacks where my face goes numb, my hands and arms go numb, and it feels like I can't swallow or breathe. I break out into a cold sweat which then turns into an intense flushing of heat.
It makes my flight response kick in, which in turn produces more adrenaline which makes me feel more panicky which then makes me feel like I am going to pass out.
These panic attacks are accompanied by an awful feeling of dread and sometimes chest pain.
And it is only panic and anxiety that is causing this.
How do I know?
Because when I am busy or otherwise occupied I don't have any of those symptoms.
When I'm not dwelling on the anxiety I don't feel any anxiety.
Case in point-
I headed to church this morning and got gobsmacked with a panic attack one block away from home.
Do I keep heading towards church or do I turn around and go home?
Driving?!? I shouldn't be driving!! Wait!!! I forgot how to drive. I can't swallow!! I need to pull over.
Breathe...Breathe...swallow...gasp...swallow! Calm down..you're ok..you're ok.. breathe.
I called out for YAHWEH loudly. Then again...YAHWEH...please.....
You'd think that church would be the place to be whilst having an anxiety attack, wouldn't you?
Worship music, people I love and care about, a kindly pastor, the presence of Jesus, all the good feels.
No? maybe not but I was at war with myself and I knew I couldn't sit in church for an hour while this monster known as anxiety chewed me up.
After church I was planning on going to Target to pick up my husbands prescription.
In that split second decision where I had to turn left in to the church parking lot or continue going straight and drive down the road to Target, I made my choice and Target won.
Tsk...I know, right?
How bad is my anxiety if I can make a decision about where I'd like to go to stave off this attack?
I needed to get his meds, I needed 2 gallons of milk and I needed (wanted) a bottle of wine.
(Full disclosure- I've been medicating myself nightly with a glass or two of Pinot Grigio. It helps me relax and sleep.)
I figured I could run in get those few things and get out before my anxiety got any worse.
As I pulled into a parking spot who should I see but my best friend in the whole wide world.
She was standing by the cart return which was next to my car and talking on her cell phone.
I nearly jumped out of my car to say Hi to her. "You're my God moment for the day" I said to her.
I quickly filled her in on my panicky happenings as we stood there for 20 minutes talking to each other, and we could've talked for longer but we each needed to get on with our day.
I thanked her for being my angel and headed in to the store realizing that for the last 20 minutes I hadn't felt short of breathe or panicky or numb. No chest pain, no trouble swallowing, no trouble talking or thinking or walking. No passing out. Nothing.
It wasn't until I was heading home with my milk and wine and his meds that I remembered calling out to YAHWEH as I was on my way to the store. YAHWEH...YAHWEH...please...
How quickly I forget....
At home again I remembered that I hadn't read any of my devotionals this morning.
Imagine my surprise when I read this-
-Jesus Calling Devotion For January 15-
My Face is shining upon you, beaming out Peace that transcends understanding. You are surrounded by a sea of problems, but you are face to Face with Me, your Peace. As long as you focus on Me, you are safe. If you gaze too long at the myriad problems around you, you will sink under the weight of your burdens. When you start to sink, simply call out “Help me, Jesus!” and I will lift you up.
The closer you live to Me, the safer you are. Circumstances around you are undulating, and there are treacherous-looking waves in the distance. Fix your eyes on Me, the One who never changes. By the time those waves reach you, they will have shrunk to proportions of My design. I am always beside you, helping you face today’s waves. The future is a phantom, seeking to spook you. Laugh at the future! Stay close to Me.
And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. —Philippians 4:7
Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus. But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, “Lord, save me!” —Matthew 14:30
Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. —Hebrews 12:2
Not to be out done by that one... but I read another devotional every day too.
This one is titled TO: YOU Love, GOD by Will Bowen, and here is what that one said for today-
To: You When you worry, you sit downstream fretting over what the flowing current of life might bring. What you fail to realize is that worry actually places the very thing you fear into the stream above you. Your anxious predictions then float by, and you conclude that worrying was justified. Beloved one, know that worry anticipates; therefore, worry creates. You were not born to worry. It was taught to you and reinforced by your own experience until it became habitual. Begin now to create a new habit. Whenever you notice yourself beginning to worry, replace your troubling thoughts with thoughts of blessings and statements of faith. Give thanks for what is going well. Place positive expectations into the stream above you and know that soon-very soon-they will drift down into what you call reality. Love, GOD
Talk about being gobsmacked!!!
It made me wonder if I had read those devotionals before I headed out to church maybe I wouldn't have had another panic attack today. I don't know.
What I DO know is that whenever I call to YAHWEH or Jesus or GOD, HE answers me.
In the truest of ways...in whispers or calmness or deep breaths or timely scripture readings or putting my best friend near the cart return in the Target parking lot.
HE is always there for me, always available...I just need to remember to call out to HIM.
What a beautiful name it is....
Ifin you're wondering I'm still here.
My anxiety has kept me from writing.
I've heard it said that writing can make one well.
But I fear I've got writer's block too.
Please know that I have read your blog posts
I just haven't commented.
That's terribly rude of me, I know.
Birdie's kids came home during the holidays!!
Linda saved her Frenchie from strangling!!
Annette is gonna be a Grandma!!
Julie threw up in the grocery store! (sorry Julie)
I know why my anxiety has been super high lately.
And I am working on it.
I'm giving it to God daily and praying a lot.
I'll write a new post when I can.
As always...Thanks for reading.
