The hum in my veins

My name is Lolly and apparently I suffer from Anxiety and Depression.
I knew about the anxiety part.
Anxiety has controlled me for years, even though I tried to hide it and deny it.
But the depression was a total surprise. I truly didn't know.
And I didn't know that I didn't know, ya know?
I would have never said I was depressed. I didn't "feel" depressed but I must have looked like it.
Tired, worn, sluggish, dry sallow skin, little sense of humor, agitated about little stuff, furious about things that should have been little bumps in the road.
I spent my days isolated, alone and lonely.
Unable to get my brain to shut off, unable to sleep, unable to think clearly or make decisions.
Always feeling that sense of doom hovering just beyond the horizon.
Most days if felt like I had high octane fuel coursing through my veins
and it made me run high, hot and hard, always pushing and striving to do more.
I fell into bed at night exhausted from my daily chore list and found myself unable to rest or sleep.
I'd toss and turn for hours. My brain would play tricks on me and keep me guessing and afraid.
I'd lay there and worry about catastrophic illnesses stealing my grandchildren away from me.
I'd worry about my own sanity...at times it felt like I was losing my mind.
Maybe I had the dreaded catastrophic disease myself...brain cancer or Lou Gehrig's disease, maybe a biological brain wasting disorder.
All I knew was that I wasn't in my right mind and I felt crazy and was too embarrassed and too afraid to tell anybody how I truly felt.
I'd lay there and worry and watch the clock tick away the minutes of the long dark night.
By morning, in my depleted state, my day would begin again, fueled by coffee and fear.
I'd Google a few symptoms, you know, just to put my mind at ease.
But it only fueled my fear...like pouring gasoline on a fire.
When the blood pressure issues started I was sure it was being caused by a brain tumor
or perhaps even an impending stroke and my anxiety ratcheted up several notches.
Did I have symptoms of a brain tumor or stroke? No. But that didn't matter.
My brain told me to worry about it anyway.
Ten days before Christmas I saw my Dr. for the blood pressure issues. I told her about the anxiety keeping me from sleeping and asked for a refill of my klonopin.
She said ok on one condition, and that was that I start taking anti-anxiety medication.
I wrung my hands, I stuttered, I hemmed and hawed.
I was filled with horror and dread.
Psych meds....great. I am officially crazy. Anxiety flooded every part of my being.
I agreed to try the medication but I knew in all honestly that I wasn't really going to take it.
I knew I was going to Google the side effects of this medication and I knew that that would be my reasoning for not taking it, even before I bought it.
I looked up other more natural ways to cope with panic and anxiety and found an article on low Serotonin levels.  Great! I'll just build up my Serotonin level naturally with food and sunshine.
Or...
Or I could just take the prescribed medicine and see if it helps me.
I don't know what was the deciding factor but I did start taking that medicine.
After the first week I noticed that my mind was quieter.
After the second week I noticed that I was sleeping better even without using the klonopin.
The third week I found myself smiling and feeling happy inside and it was a foreign feeling.
How long had I been down I wondered?
How long had I actually been depressed and I hadn't known?
The fourth week I noticed that I was still alone all day but I wasn't lonely nor did I feel isolated.
Today is the start of the fifth week. And I feel normal...whatever normal means.
I'm not nervous or anxious. I'm not dreading anything. I'm not sluggish nor do I feel drugged.
I feel regular. I am happy. I am grateful. I am blessed. I am not tired or wired. Or mad or sad.
No anxiety, no side effects, no brain tumor, no fear.
I feel life humming through my veins and I am not frightened of a thing.
Glory be! but it's been a long time coming.  A girl could get used to this. Hallelujah and Amen.

Thanks for reading,
Love, Lolly

Solstice

For One Who Is Exhausted, a BlessingFor One

BY 

JOHN O'DONOHUE

When the rhythm of the heart becomes hectic,
Time takes on the strain until it breaks;
Then all the unattended stress falls in
On the mind like an endless, increasing weight.

The light in the mind becomes dim.
Things you could take in your stride before
Now become laborsome events of will.

Weariness invades your spirit.
Gravity begins falling inside you,
Dragging down every bone.

The tide you never valued has gone out.
And you are marooned on unsure ground.
Something within you has closed down;
And you cannot push yourself back to life.

You have been forced to enter empty time.
The desire that drove you has relinquished.
There is nothing else to do now but rest
And patiently learn to receive the self
You have forsaken in the race of days.

At first your thinking will darken
And sadness take over like listless weather.
The flow of unwept tears will frighten you.

You have traveled too fast over false ground;
Now your soul has come to take you back.

Take refuge in your senses, open up
To all the small miracles you rushed through.

Become inclined to watch the way of rain
When it falls slow and free.

Imitate the habit of twilight,
Taking time to open the well of color
That fostered the brightness of day.

Draw alongside the silence of stone
Until its calmness can claim you.
Be excessively gentle with yourself.

Stay clear of those vexed in spirit.
Learn to linger around someone of ease
Who feels they have all the time in the world.

Gradually, you will return to yourself,
Having learned a new respect for your heart
And the joy that dwells far within slow time.

---

Today is the Winter Solstice. The shortest day and longest night of the year.

I myself am looking forward to the return of the light, 

Light from without and light from within.

I'm taking the medicine and being gentle with myself.

That's all for today.

Thanks for reading,

Love, Lolly

Coming 'round that mountain

"She'll be coming 'round that mountain when she comes..."

There is indeed a mountain in front of me. It's huge. And dark. And unclimbable at the moment.
I stand here and stare at what is in between me and that mountain and I don't know how to move.
I am frozen. Sick with fear and shame. Unable to pull my boot straps up and move forward.
The mountain is bigger and stronger than I am this time. I don't know how to get up and over it.
And I am not afraid to tell you that I am afraid.
Afraid of the anxiety. Afraid of the medicine. Afraid of not being myself anymore.
I am isolated. I am lonely. I don't have a tribe of women to rely on.
I need to exercise but I don't. (Hey! I already walked the dog today, what else do you want?)
I need to find something to occupy myself and my mind, but what?
I've finished the Christmas shopping and even wrapped all the presents.
I've listened to Christmas music all day every day until it feels like I'll lose what's left of my mind
if I hear one more round of  "I'm Dreaming of a White Christmas".
But the silence is deafening when I turn the radio off so then I troll around on Instagram.
I have no desire to read, which is totally out of character for me.
I am bored and out of sorts and yet most of the day I DO feel like myself, just a little bit off.
I am tired of complaining, tired of listening to my poor sad sack self go on and on about blood pressure issues and anxiety. Aren't y'all tired of listening to this shit?
I feel like a broken old record.
I lift myself up in prayer, I Let Go and Let God, I call out to Yahweh to help me cope and yet it still feels so much like I am wandering around aimlessly in the wilderness,  staring at that huge mountain in the distance.
That huge mountain that I must cross in order to find my freedom that waits on the other side.
Now I just need to find the climbing skills I need to scale that thing.
Like Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz, who only wanted to go home, her traveling companions wanted brains, a heart and some courage.
Here's hoping that for me, all those things can be found inside this tiny white pill,
that truthfully I am finding hard to swallow, as if someone had asked to me to swallow that enormous mountain instead.
But I guess it's really one in the same, right?
If I swallow that pill, I might just be able to conquer that mountain.
Maybe I won't have to climb it or even blast my way through it.
Maybe, I'll be able to walk around that mountain. Maybe I'll even want to.
Wish me luck good friends,
As always, Thanks for reading,
Love, Lolly

(p.s. Thanks for the advice Julie. An antibiotic for the brain.  xoxo)

What do you do when you don't know what to do?

Dear Friends,
My anxiety has returned with a vengeance.
My blood pressure is elevated, I can't stop wringing my hands, and my brain never shuts off.
Constant thoughts ramble through my head at all hours of the day and night.
I've been to see my doctor and she recommends starting...are you ready for this?
Prozac.
I can barely type that word, I am so scared.
Prozac?? Really?
I am so scared to take this medication.
The side effects listed are horrendous.
I don't know what to do. What do I do??
I just want my old self back.
I want to try a natural way to beat this anxiety.
Turmeric, Light Therapy, Yoga, Exercise, Meditation.
I don't know what to do. What do I do?
Having anxiety is giving me anxiety.
Taking anxiety medications is increasing my anxiety.
In reality I've probably got less than 30 years left on this planet.
Do I want to spend them addicted to anxiety meds.?
Feeling sick or shaky or dizzy or nauseous?
But wait...what if they work?
What if the meds. really work for me and I start to feel better?
What is the right decision?
Friend, I am in a quandary.
I don't know what to do. What do I do?
Anxiety sucks.

Thanks for the listening ear,
Love, Lolly

Hope

Christmas has always been a time for hope.
What is hope? How do you define hope?
How often do you use the word hope?

I HOPE I get that book I want for Christmas.
It's called Braiding Sweetgrass.
It's one of those books that's so good you can hardly bear to read it. I checked it out from our library after being put on the waiting list for 4 weeks and then read only a small part of it. But I got busy with Christmas preparations and gift buying and didn't pick it back up again until it was 5 days past due. I couldn't renew it because someone else wants to check it out. This is the sort of book that must be savored. No rushing through this thing, so I put my name on the wait list again. Hopefully I get it for a christmas gift and then I can highlight and underline all of the great quotes.

I HOPE it snows soon.
We had a Blizzard that dropped a foot of snow a couple of weeks back.
Since then nothing. The snow is all melted and it's just mind-numbing cold outside.
I'd rather have snow than this bitter cold.

I HOPE her leg heals.
My granddaughter developed an infection on her ankle from a cut. We don't know where or how she cut herself. But after a week we noticed a dramatic change in the color of her skin and in the amount of swelling surrounding her ankle. They diagnosed her with MRSA.
She is 5 years old. They gave her oral antibiotics which didn't work. And her leg developed cellulitis.
So they lanced the wound, drained it and started her on a different antibiotic. This one worked.
I was so relieved. They were thinking about admitting her to the hospital to start IV antibiotics.
I don't mind telling you ladies that I was scared...so very scared for this beautiful granddaughter of mine. I had a pretty stern talk with God and told Him He had better start listening to and answering the prayers of this family.

I HOPE I don't have to do that again.
On Sunday I felt a tiny bit of chest pain. Like a pin prick. No big deal. Then it did it again.
And again and again. Recently I have developed high blood pressure, and started a new medication, so I thought maybe I should check my blood pressure, just to see if my numbers were up.
Boy were they up!
The first reading was 165/94. I stared at those numbers like I had never seen a number before.
So I took it again. 189/106.
Then I took it with the other arm...191/108.
Since my husband works at the fire department, we drove down there to manually check my numbers since I use a blood pressure machine at home.
My husband checked it with the manual cuff and got 189/111.
He then asked one of the medics to hook me up to the actual ambulance to check my pressure.
The ambulance said my blood pressure was 227/127.
So they strapped me in and away we went to the hospital with lights and sirens blaring.
My anxiety went through the roof!
I was in the emergency room for four hours being monitored for a heart attack and a stroke.
In the end, it turned out that I just needed to up my blood pressure medications a bit and learn to
calm.the.fuck.down.    Anxiety is not for the feint of heart I can tell you.
I HOPE I learn to control my anxiety a lot better in the coming weeks.
I've started doing Yoga and also I've started to watch and listen to Meditation videos on Youtube,
so I HOPE that helps me as well.

My definition of the word HOPE always seems to be asking for something, or wanting something.

How about you? What's your definition of HOPE?

I HOPE and pray that all of you have a very Merry Christmas and a very Happy New Year!
(just incase I don't post again between now and then)

Thanks for reading,
Love, Lolly

A quick post

Dear Everybody,
Hello! I cannot believe it has been nearly a month since I last posted.
Where does the time go, I wonder to myself.
I have much to report and also I have nothing to report.
I went to the Dermatologist last week. She excised 5 skin tags off of my body and can I tell you,
I feel like a new woman! Three of them were right on my bra line and I can't tell you how painfully aggravating it was to have my bra rub on them all day long. There were days when I would stay home and go bra-less because I couldn't bare the thought of putting it on and feeling that tiny yet significant irritation all day. But they're gone now so life is wonderful and pleasant again.
As I get older, as my age goes up, so too does my cholesterol and blood pressure.
Lately my BP numbers have been way too high, so the Dr. started me on blood pressure medication.
I don't like to bitch too much about the body aging and getting older as I realize that many have been denied the chance to get older ( my sister died at 47).
But I will tell you that I did not have a pleasant time with that first medication the Dr. had me try.
She has just started me on a different one. This one seems to be ok so far.
Our midwestern winter seems to be in full swing and it isn't even winter yet.
The sun has not shined in over a week! It's getting quite depressing.
As I was typing that last sentence, the Sun came out!! I quick went outside and stood on our front porch, closed my eyes and tilted my face up to catch a few rays.  It felt glorious!
We've decorated our house for Christmas and today I finished the Christmas shopping.
So now I can sit back and relax....hahaha.
For those of you who know me...yeah..sit back and relax, lol, sure, ok. Relax,.... right.
Although I am still teaching myself meditative breathing and tomorrow I am going to a
Yoga for Advent event at my sister-in-laws church.
My chiropractor also is helping me with breathing exercises and anxiety too.
Suffice it to say that things are going relatively well for me at the moment.
I need to dash off and get dinner started.
I hope to get back into blogging more regularly in the near future.
I hope you'll all stay around for that and thanks for reading!

Love, Lolly

Nature and Time

We can all see how Mother Earth is considered beautiful.
Green grass and trees and leaves. White fluffy clouds, yellow sunshine, pink and orange and purple  sunsets. Aqua blue oceans that whisper Yahweh as the waves roll in to kiss the shore.
Flowers in springtime that can rival the colors of the rainbow. Rain that smells like heaven itself.
Summers lush profusion of yellow as seen in flower beds and vegetables, dandelion weeds, sand at the beach, add to that the color of blue skies, or blue birds or blueberries.
How about the color of Strawberries, Tomatoes or deep Magenta petunias?
There is that pale green color of lakes and rivers and leaves that are just starting to wilt from the heat.
Fall comes and is a form of ambrosia itself, what with all of the trees changing color all at the same and the autumnal smells of wood burning fires and apples bubbling on the stove and the distinct
smell of decay in the garden as the soil gets itself ready for a long winters nap.
Not to be left out is Winter with it's sparkling snow, frosty air and midnight skies strewn with stars.
The Cardinals so vivid and red hiding in the Evergreen trees,  white iridescent whorls of Jack Frost patterns on the bedroom windows, Silver Bells in the city....

Now...what about Father time? Is he considered ugly?
A mean old ogre who turns our children into adults before we are ready?
The thief in the night who steals our sleep and keeps us awake even knowing all the while that we are gonna be cranky tomorrow?
Do you wake up on Monday morning only to find that at bedtime it is already Friday evening?
Do you find that the older we get the faster time flies?
Wasn't it just Summer with its unbearable heat and humidity?
And wasn't it me who was wishing it away with my complaints of it being too hot?
Wasn't it me who couldn't wait for Fall and all that comes with it?
Did that include head colds and raking leaves til our backs ached and darkness outside at 4:30pm?
And isn't it also me who couldn't wait for Winter to get here because I have lived with hot flashes for the last ten years and I am sick unto death of roasting my arse off?

Fall lasted about two weeks here in the upper midwest. One too many cold snaps and the leaves all fell off the trees with barely any glory to show for it. Winter showed up with below zero wind chills on a day that the weatherman said should normally feel like 50 degrees.
Next weeks forecast doesn't look like we will see 50 degrees either...only more biting cold.

Well you'll all be pleased to know that my internal furnace finally, mercifully, gave out last week.
For the first time in a long time I am feeling cold. Yesterday after school it felt like 5 degrees outside factoring in the wind chill and I froze my patootie off standing outside waiting for the grand kids to get out of school.
Today I am wearing a sweater. A SWEATER! An honest to goodness knitted type of top that was designed to keep a body warm. I never thought that I'd see the day when I would feel cold again.
I'd given up hope. So much so that I had gotten rid of most of my heavy sweaters and shirts.
Can I tell you that it feels delicious to feel this chilly again. It is a beautiful thing.
I can wear socks and boots and flannel jammie pants! I bought myself two hats. Two!!
I fear I am becoming someone that I no longer know! I don't wear hats...ever.  Never have.
I think these two-Mother Nature and Father Time have decided to work together and give me a break.
She makes it cold outside a month before she must and he makes me older which makes me more appreciative of the creature comforts I used to love like winter sweaters and hot tea, and a mini fireplace and burning candles, and socks.  And flannel p.j.'s!!

It's been great chatting with you all,
Thanks for reading,
Love, Lolly


(P.S. Next post I am sure will be about my dry winter skin and the aggravating sound of the furnace running, running, running, and my complaints about roasting meat in the oven and wishing we could just grill outside, and how every person I know has a cough and a cold....sigh. Jesus please save me from myself.)