Late March 2023

 there are days when i am so lonely that i simply dont know what to do.

I miss him.

He called me Beautiful.

As in... Morning Beautiful. Thanks Beautiful. See ya later Beautiful.

When I look in the mirror I definitely don't see beautiful.

It is then that I realize that I will never again be "Beautiful" to anyone.

Grief has rendered me ugly, lonely and sad. It is a hard realization.

Yet it is the truth.

Too much wine, not enough water, extra helpings of comfort food...

Crying jags late at night, long naps during the day, all combine to

keep me from moving on to the next phase, whatever that is.

I am heading into year two of grieving his passing.

Some days are easier than others. Not sure why.

But I just wish I could to talk to him.

And it's a craving that cannot ever be fulfilled.

I wish someone would call me beautiful, again.

FINE

Learning  to redefine gratitude is like climbing a mountain.

It looms before me, larger than life, glaring at me.

It is so big that I don't know that I can do it.

I stare back not wanting to undertake this anymore.

I don't have it in me.

Gratitude left right after Jesus walked out.

That delightful pink cloud I'd been riding since 2010 

crashed and burned around 2019 and since Jesus never

showed up to save me, I had to save myself from the wreckage.

All those Bible studies and gratitude journals and prayer circles

mean nothing to me now.

The trees aren't lifting their branches up to heaven in praise.

Sunsets are just sunsets and not a gift from god.

Sometimes I think only dogs have souls because mankind seems devoid of them.

Now just to be honest here...

I have seen Jesus with my own eyes, literally sitting on my couch.

I have even heard the sound of his voice with my own ears.

I have felt him in the wind as it brushed across my face.

And there are some questions that science can't answer.

Gratitude was his gift to me, a game we played.

He would send it and then I had to find it and write it down.

And I did , everyday for 13 years.

But! One day there was nothing but silence.

A painful deafening silence like a light had been switched off.

The fact that he left without a fare thee well has broken my heart.

He was not there when my sister died.

He was not there when my husband died.

He was not there during the former guys tenure.

He is not there in the evangelical church system.

And he was not there during Covid. 

Was he???...watching millions die.

How could he have allowed that??

It's as if he jumped ship.

Like he no longer resides on this planet,

and his absence feels palpable to me.

I am grieving and lonely but I am not angry.

Too many prayers remain unanswered.

The entire world is burning and groaning

And Jesus remains silent.

I am deconstructing and I am fine with that.

If Jesus wants to find me he knows where I am.

Damn

 There are times when the sadness wells up inside me

 I feel I could drown from the weight of it on my heart

As the pressure and sorrow build it becomes hard to breath

And my eyes start to leak as a relief valve of sorts

Slowly at first and then bursting forth as if a dam has broken

There is no help for this

I simply must cry until I no longer miss you.

Solitary Goose

 I saw a solitary goose today

flying across the sky.

It was honking as it flew over my head 

and I wondered what it was lamenting about.

Geese are not solitary creatures.

They mate for life.

I wondered where was this gooses mate...why was it flying alone?

Why was it flying and crying at the same time?

And for those few seconds as I watched it soar

I understood its mournful call.

And I understood why it cried as it flew on alone.

as if

 i've learned that the body keeps the score.

it holds on to sadness and grief

no matter how had you try to move on.

as if moving on is some sort of solution

that could fix a broken heart. as if

Hold On

 

Music will save me. 

A January rant

If I'm being truthful Jesus left first.

One day he was there, and by that I mean everywhere, and the next day he was gone.

Poof. Gone.

In a puff of ether He left. And gave me no warning.

His absence was a physical thing.

I could tell He was gone.

The nothingness was palpable.

The silence was deafening.

And it confused me.

Why would Jesus leave? Why can't I see Him anymore? Why can't I feel Him?

And then my husband got cancer.

I prayed and I begged and I pleaded. All to no avail.

Jesus didn't hear me or answer any of my prayers.

My husband died a miserable, painful death,

And Jesus never showed up. Not once.

I felt no comfort. I never felt His presence. 

But I felt His absence like a stone in my shoe.

I don't know that I can get past this.

I've been struggling with this for a while.

I don't blame Jesus but I will say He did NOT help us thru this.

I feel abandoned. And I am mad as hell.

And I'm not sure how to handle this.

I feel no guilt or remorse but I do wonder...

If  Jesus really gives a shit, does He feel guilt or remorse?

If He is real, why didn't He step in and save my husband?

Why kill by cancer? 

Babies, children, sisters, brothers, parents, spouses...

It is a horrific thing...what is His excuse?

Give me a reason to believe that Jesus gives a rats ass...

give me a reason to believe that Jesus loves us and doesn't want us to suffer.

Give me proof that Jesus exists...that He's not just a figment of my imagination.

What say you???