Good Friday

Dropped a glass bottle of blueberry syrup.
It crashed on the floor into a purple puddle
with shards of glass and sticky bits of fruit.
Try cleaning that up!

It ruined the fur lined moccasins that were on my feet.
Splashed itself up the calf of my left leg staining my sweats.
Cut myself on a piece of glass too small  to see cuz it was
covered in sticky purple goo.

The syrup was expired anyway so I'm not mourning the loss of it.
My moccasins were old and worn too...
it gave me a good excuse to toss them in the trash
along with half a roll of paper towels
that didn't work very well at cleaning up the mess.

One dog had bloody diarrhea this morning
on the living room floor.
(While I am typing that last sentence, a man
comes to the front door with his dog in tow, asking me
for a plastic garbage bag so he can clean up the mess
his dog left in my yard a moment ago.
He tells me that his dog has blood in her stool
and he needs to take her to the Vet.  Wow, really?????
He also asks me for a cigarette.
When I tell him that I don't smoke
he glances down at the ground, with his eyebrow raised,
at a shit load of cigarette butts littering the sidewalk.
Thanks alot, Hon. This stranger thinks I am a liar.)

Yesterday my 4 year old grandson had bathroom issues
to the tune of 7 pairs of undies that needed changing.
His 1 year old sister pee'd thru her only clean outfit
during her nap.
The first outfit got ruined when I let her feed herself spaghetti for lunch.

Which meant washing undies, sheets, baby clothes
and my hands to the point of rawness.
I used so much bleach that my finger nails are WHITE at the tips.

My daughter with the newborn grandson
doesn't want to come to Easter with the entire family
cuz she's afraid the baby will catch something.
The 4 year old and the 1 year old have Spring colds.
Since I am the babysitter of said grandchildren
guess who is also suffering from that cold??
So I sorta get it...her wanting to stay at home...I do...but still...

My sister and her entire family (10 of them)
left for a Florida vacation 6 hours ago.
I am trying to be happy for her....it's hard.
I could use a vacation myself.

Do I sound ungrateful? Whiny? Jealous? Tired?
Yep.
I'll work on that today.

Charles Edward

He's here!
He's cute!
Mom and baby are fine and well.

Thanks for reading and commenting..It means a lot.

Gonna go hang out with him for a few days
but I'll be back.
Lolly

Blessing #3

As I type this, my daughter is in labor.
This is her first.
For us, it's grandchild number three.
To say that I am excited is an understatement.
We know that it's a boy.
They haven't decided on a name yet.
I've been praying for her since 6:15 am,
right after she called to say she was
on her way to the hospital.
I know that she is afraid.
Afraid of the pain, the epidural, the unknown,
Afraid of the possible size of her baby boy,
Afraid of a possible C-section.

Lord,
Watch over my daughter and grandson today.
I know that you love them more than I do.
Keep them safe, and unafraid during the birth process.
Give her your strength today Lord, 
to bear what she must in order to bring 
new life into this world.
And if it's not asking too much, Lord
maybe you could keep this Granny calm too.
Truth be told, I am as nervous as I am excited.
Be with us all today Lord.
Shelter us under your wings.
Give us your peace and strength.
Thank you for this gift of new life.
Amen

Hypocrisy and Want

I PRAISE LOUDLY. I BLAME SOFTLY.~ CATHERINE THE GREAT

i get it.
i get that i am a hypocrite.
i say one thing then turn around and say another.
it angers me when someone acts a certain way
but please look away when i act in a similar fashion.

i am a child of God.
most of the time i can see that you are not.
yes! i get the hypocrisy in that statement.

who am i to point out any flaw or defect in your character
when i am tripping, choking, gagging on my own failures??

i want what i want
and what i want is for you to act in a certain way
so my life is easier.
when i yell and snap at you i want you to change
so i don't have to.
i want you to change your behaviour
so i won't have to alter my world not one bit.

if i wake up one day and realize that i am at war
with far too many people
i would like to place the blame where it rightly belongs
and in my world that blame is on everyone else.

i like to think that maybe i am an introvert
that i'm ok with being alone,
that i prefer it this way.
but maybe the truth is that i am lonely
and don't know how to make amends
to these people that rattle the cage i've put myself in.

i want you to see my loneliness and hurt.
i want you to see my pain and frustration.
i want you to love me regardless of the way i act.

but just like a shy bird
i flap my wings when you get too close.
and i hurt myself by trying to remain alone.

maybe, if i'm gonna go with this bird analogy here,
maybe the finger pointing that goes along with the blaming
could be turned into a hand outstretched,
sort of like a perch that a small shy bird could land on,
sort of like an offering of a safe place to land.

maybe, if i allowed it, maybe that hand reaching out,
mine and theirs, could each learn to let go a little,
to not crush the offering of a safe place for us,
for me to land.
i need to learn to stop beating my wings so frantically
trying to get others to see my point, my view,
my pain, my sorrow, me.

if i quit making such a racket, wouldn't i see them more clearly too?

wouldn't life be much better if we all lived under Gods grace?
wouldn't life be much better if I allowed others to live
under that grace that God gives to me??

if God allows grace for my hypocrisy and want
wouldn't he offer the same to others?
wouldn't i want Him to offer that to others?

if i wanted to address my hypocrisy i would want that.
if i wanted to address my want i would want that too.

tsk......save me from myself Lord.

Lamentations

Lent.
40 days of preparing for Easter
Lame.
A paralyzed person
Rant.
Bitching uncontrollably

Lent. Lame. Rant = Lamentations
at least in my book it does

Lent begins right before Spring.
And Spring makes me angry.

It's cold, wet and damp.
A kind of damp that makes it's way into my bones
and makes me feel miserable.

Soon as the thaw starts, enormous snow piles
turn into slush and puddles.
Everything is melting and running and liquefied.
The ground is still frozen so it absorbs none of this
melting snow which turns into run off
which turns in to standing water
which turns in to ice when the temperature plunges
back down into the 20 degree range over night.

Winter boots are made to keep out snow not slush.
ie; They leak when you step in piles of it.

Gym shoes, tennis shoes, sneakers...
whatever you want to call them
are not any better in this weather.
They're not water proof either.

My feet feel smothered in winter boots
yet it's too cold for sandals or flip flops.

I feel like I'm suffocating in long sleeves
yet tank tops are still a little too light to wear.

I'm sick unto death of the heavy
roasted, baked meals we eat up here
in the northern mid-west all winter long.
And the outdoor grill is still buried under
80 some odd inches of the frozen white stuff.

Spring rains haven't started yet
So all of the salt, sand and grit
left on our streets, driveways and sidewalks
is still making it treacherous to walk outside.
If you don't slip on ice or snow,
you will slip and skid on sand and salt.

Spring is 10 days away.
I dread it and yet I hope for it.
More so after this Winter in which we have had
a record amount of snow fall.

The grass that shows thru the melted snow is not yet green.
The trees do not show any sign of budding.
No Robins have returned.

They're predicting that another 1 to 3 inches of snow
is possible for tomorrow night.
And that fills me with dread.
Will Winter never release its grip on us?

We lost that hour of sleep on Saturday night
due to Daylight Savings Time
which makes me feel tired and out of sorts.

I'm roasting in my house with the thermostat
set at 65 degrees
while the sun shines in my windows.

It's wet and mucky and ugly outside.
The left over snow is brown and dirty
and melting in to puddles of slush.

I'm sick of eating heavy foods and winter coats.
I'm done with the cold weather.
I want Spring.
I want rain.
I want to work outside in my garden.
I want to take my grand babies for a walk around the block.
I want open windows and fresh air.

And I want to stop being ungrateful.
I bitch about heavy winter foods...
Do I wonder who hasn't eatin today??

Why is my thinking so warped and paralyzed?
Why do I constantly think of me, myself and I?

I want, I need, I'm sick of.....

Sorry Lord...I always forget.

***********************************

Oh God, gather me now to be with you as you are with me.

Soothe my tiredness;

quiet my fretfulness;

curb my aimlessness;
relieve my complusiveness;
let me be easy for a moment.

O Lord, release me
from the fears and guilts which grip me so tightly;
from the expectations and opinions which I so tightly grip,
that I may be open
to receiving what you give,
to risking something genuinely new,
to learning something refreshingly different.

Forgive me
for claiming so much for myself
that I leave no room for gratitude;
for confusing exercises in self-importance
with acceptance of self-worth;
for complaining so much of my burdens
that I become a burden;
for competing against others so insidiously
that I stifle celebrating them
and receiving your blessing through their gifts.

O God, gather me to be with you as you are with me.

Amen.     

Ted Loder, Guerillas of Grace

Daily prayer

Over the last 5 years of my life
I've slowly lost my looks.
Not starting to lose them mind you.
I mean they are lost....gone.

When I look in the mirror I see
Purple bags under my eyes
and blotchy, dry skin.

No matter how much sleep I get,
I always manage to look tired.

I've got thinning hair that for some reason
I've decided to style like a Librarian
or the Dutch Boy on the paint can.
And I hate it.
My hair that is, not the Librarians or Dutch boys.

I no longer wear make up and for the life of me,
I can't think of a good enough reason to ever put it back on.
Plus my skin is so dry that it looks patchy
and mascara make my eyes itch something fierce.

I see an overweight 51 year old woman
Who is past her prime. And it makes me sad.
When did I get old??

I promise myself that I will exercise more and eat better
And then I break that promise to myself
every single morning.

I tell myself that today I won't complain
or nag the sad man or open my mouth
and say something insulting to one of my kids,
that I won't yell at my 4 year old grandson
for waking up his 1 year old sister...again!

I fail miserably at this on a daily basis.

I see disgust and blame and shame
in the green eyes that look back at me
each morning in that bathroom mirror.

My soul tells me that I am not what I see in the mirror.
I am not dry skin, puffy eyes, 51, washed up and overweight.

But I don't know how to write from my soul.

God tells me that I'm not any of those things either.
But I don't know how to write for God.
Some days I think I know how.
Other days this blog sounds very whiny
especially to my own ears.

On this blog I spout thankfulness and gratefulness,
Lessons and Blessings.
Truth be told...I don't ever offer those things
to myself.

Forgiveness and redemption are offered freely to others.
I am much harder on myself.

Even typing out this post has taken me the better part of 6 days.
That alone has the ability to shame me.
Why does it take me so long to type, edit, publish?

All along I have thought all these other bloggers
Sat down, quickly typed out their posts,
hit publish and Viola!
Perfect post.....
Everybody responding with "just what I needed to hear, Thank you for posting".

Yesterday I found out that this just wasn't true.
Emily told me.
Who knew?!
I thought it was just me who processed this way.

I was bowled over. Utter disbelief!
I truly thought that I was the only one
who took this long to get a post up.
And instead of being accepting of myself,
that this is just the way I am,
I made myself, let myself, allowed myself to feel bad about it.

I have allowed shame to dictate to me that I should feel like a failure.
I have allowed shame to tell me that I was not doing it perfect like the other bloggers.
I allowed shame into my life and I let it tell me
that a was a failure because I was no longer a size 6,
that my skin was dry, my hair was too thin, my face was blotchy and ugly.

So if I was wrong about the blogging thing....
Maybe I'm wrong about the all the other stuff too?

Perhaps it's time for me to change that daily prayer of mine.
Maybe whenever I look in the mirror
instead of praying that God could see the good in me,
Maybe I should pray that I see the good in me!

Maybe it is time for me to let go of the things
that I think are wrong with me and learn to accept myself
JUST AS I AM.

Shame is a bully and Grace is a shield. ... Ann Voskamp.

I realize that I am bullying myself.
And I realize that it is time to stop this behavior.
Now. Today.

Replace that shame I feel with God's grace.
God's Amazing Grace.
Grace as a shield.






















Dear God,
I'm turning around. Thank You for Your grace.
Amen

It's aw-right Granny

My 4 year old grandson is at a stage in his young life where he eats nothing.
Whatever is offered gets a quick dismissal.

"No tanks" he says. That's not a typo.

Feeling frustrated yesterday at my inability to get him to eat
SOMETHING....anything....
I offer him what's left of a bag of shredded cheddar cheese.

"Okay" he says.

I upend about a 1/4 cup into a tiny red bowl
and insert his favorite Sponge Bob spoon.

Heading to the living room to watch cartoons while he eats
(no judging...I'm Grandma)
I need to step over the baby gate
that separates the kitchen from the TV room.

Left leg over, no prob. Right leg......
What I do with my right leg is accidentally kick that tiny red bowl
filled with the last bit of the shredded cheese
and his Sponge Bob spoon
right outta his tiny four year old hands.
He had been climbing over the gate right behind me.
I knew this, I am aware he is close behind me
but still....I have no idea how I manage to accomplish this feat.

Cheese is everywhere.
Looks like a helluva lot more than a 1/4 cup
when it is strewn all over the floor.

And his face.....
How do I tell you what his beautiful face looks like?
Of the horror I see in his eyes?
Of his little bottom lip starting to tremble....
And I wonder what he is thinking
as he sees his "wunch" scattered across my hard wood floor.

I immediately apologize, I hug him, tell him I am so sorry.
I wonder if I can sweep it up and still serve it to him
(No judging!! I am now a very desperate Grandma)
But, no. I will not sweep it up and serve it to him.
I will sweep it up and throw it in the garbage.

I feel terrible for him and for myself if I'm being honest.

And he says to me "It's aw-right Gwanny".

Bawl! Heave! Sob!
He forgives me instantly.
He's dashing the tears from his eyes with his little fists
all the while reassuring me that it's alright.

"It's aw-right Gwanny...it's aw-right".

I'm stunned for a moment. Immovable.
Love for this kid pouring out of my every pore.

Get your boots and coat on Sweetie, I tell him.
We're going to the store to buy some more cheese.

We are? he says as his face lights up with anticipated delight.
Yes, sweetie, we are.

At the store I let him pick out and then carry
the biggest bag of shredded cheese
to the cash register.
On our way to checkout we pass the bakery section.
We pause to peruse the selections.
His nose is pressed up against the glass case.
He sees butter cookies with chocolate sprinkles.
I tell the woman behind the counter I'll take 4.
4 of them.
4.
For no other reason than I am still trying to apologize, I pick out a half dozen more;
one of each color.
Red, pink, green, blue, yellow, multi colored.

He gets to carry this tiny bakery box too.
The cashier puts both into a plastic grocery sack
and hands it to him.
He skips back out to the car.

He's happy. I'm happy.
He's happy. I'm relieved.
He's happy. I can forgive myself.

At home again, he opens the bakery box, turns to me and says:
"Gwanny? Where's my cookies?"

Huh?!?

Whaddya mean? They're right here I say as I point to
the chocolate sprinkled butter cookies.
"I didn't want these ones...I wanted the other ones".
What other ones??
Those are the ones you wanted I tell him.
"No they aren't, I wanted the other ones" he repeats back to me.

Crap.

I have no clue which ones he's talking about.
The cookies I bought are the ones I thought he was staring at!
The cookies I bought are the ones I KNOW he was staring at!!

Try it I say. They're good. Take one bite.
He takes one little-tiny-barely-able-to-tell-he's-taken-a-bite-nibble
and declares them icky.

Tsk. Well shit.

So, here we are.
Him eating a red bowl of shredded cheese.
Me eating chocolate sprinkled butter cookies.

He gets to eat the cheese and I get to eat the cookies.
We both get to be forgiven for the errors of our ways.

And it ends up being 'aw-right' after all.