Duck season

There are times when I have absolutely nothing to say.
Nothing to write about. Nothing I want to share.
I sit in front of my laptop and I hear a humming....a buzzing.
I'm not entirely sure that humming and buzzing isn't coming from inside my head.
The cursor blinks at me. I blink back.
Hum...buzz....

Friends invited us out last night for a free prime rib dinner.
Told us it was a 30th anniversary/raffle type of affair for some company they are familiar with.
It ended up being a banquet room full of duck hunters.
Their were a few wives present but mostly it was paunchy middle-aged and older gentlemen.
Some sporting baseball hats, others dressed in camouflage with beards, loud talkers all of them.
The kind of affair where the booze flows and the stories get told and retold and the laughter feels forced as do the smiles pasted on the faces of the listeners.

The night starts with everyone walking past tables full of items
(in this case duck hunting items)
to be raffled off or purchased at the auction being held after dinner.
I was done perusing those tables in about 60 seconds flat.
Duck decoys, hip wader bags, beer steins, a thermos that resembled a shot gun shell, camo lawn chairs, artwork depicting Labrador's holding retrieved ducks in their jaws.
My husband lingered over the merchandise longer than I did.
He likes to think of himself as a hunter, though truth be told he's never shot anything yet and when the day comes that he does, I hope he cries and cries and cries and never kills another living creature again.
We are on opposite sides of the fence when it comes to guns and hunting.
I realize that the Prime Rib I ate came from an animal.
I realize that an animal had to die so I could be fed at this banquet.
I just don't want to be the one that shoots it.
And I don't want him to shoot it either.
Would it matter if he was out hunting cows? I don't know.
But he doesn't hunt to put meat on our table, and that makes all the difference to me.
I'm not going to debate the topic with you, this is my personal opinion, that's all.
Moving on...

The four of us sit at a table with 2 other people whom we do not know.
Turns out he is one of the auctioneers and she is his girlfriend.
They appear to be well into their forty's.
Why is that detail important?? I don't know.
He leaves her alone most of the evening and so we (and by we I mean the people I am with) are left with the unenviable task of small talk.
Which puts me in a cold sweat. Small talk?! Fucking small talk...are you kidding me??
Hmmm....buzzzz....
I'm way out of my comfort zone and I know it.

She's "so excited, and can't wait for this shindig to start," she tells us. "Woot!"

 Humm...buzzz...blink.

"Woo-hoo!" she says aloud. "I can't wait for duck hunting season."

As ya'll know, I cannot for the life of me figure out how to talk to strangers.
I either stutter or stammer or blurt out huge family secrets.
I end up embarrassing myself 10 times out of 10.
My best defense is to keep my head down and my eyes averted.
Which I'm sure doesn't come across as rude at all.....

She ends up winning 3 separate raffle prizes during the course of the evening.
Each time her winning numbers are called she raises her arms over her head and hollers  "Woot!! That's me!!"
She giggles and laughs her way through the evening sitting with four complete strangers. How do people do this I wonder??

She must be an extrovert I think to myself. She has no problem talking to us or talking period for that matter.
She carries the conversation by herself for most of the evening.
I can't decide if I'm jealous or repulsed.
She laughs at her own jokes and shows no remorse or embarrassment when we four don't respond.
She's sucking down her Vodka Tonics as she snaps her gum.
Her jeans are too tight and her bosom is straining her too tight shirt.
But she's having the time of her life at this thing. Extroverted or just plain happy?

Her boyfriend comes back to the table during dessert and the two of them giggle and flirt over the vanilla ice cream topped with raspberry sauce.
If they're like this during duck season, what happens during rabbit season?? lol

But they do make me think....
.....when was the last time my husband and I giggled and flirted over dessert??

Praying and longing for more

So I wrote this post a while back.
The woman I mentioned who wanted grandchildren will finally get her wish this weekend.
Her 39 year old daughter is due to give birth on Saturday. It is a boy.
Unfortunately this woman who wanted grandchildren so badly just died on Monday after a two week battle with pneumonia. She was 69 years old.
I cannot imagine what her daughter must be going through.
I am heartbroken as is everyone else.

Sometimes God does this shit and we don't know why.
It's times like these that I question Him.
Not really question, more like want to ask-   "What the hell God?"

My friend Amy who has colon cancer just got awful news too.
Her cancer has spread to her lungs and liver.
She is 45 years old. She too wanted grandkids some day. But she has two teenagers at home.
There will be no chance for grandkids for her.
I am heartbroken as is everyone else.

We have all been so hopeful and praying so hard.
Did our prayers go unanswered? Was God not listening?
Does He not see or care about our broken hearts?
Why do these bad things happen to good people?

Today I have no answers. I'm saddened by all this.
It's a shit day with shitty weather and even shittier news.

I've looked but cannot find a prayer or a quote that will address the absolute madness of these two situations.
Today I am shaking my fist at God.
I want Him to know that He is breaking hearts all over the place.
I want Him to know that I am displeased.
And I want Him to stop it.
To just stop.
Stop.

Spring... but not quite yet

Like this past October which threw a hissy fit of rain and wind as it left to make room for November,

Spring has been pitching a tantrum and fighting with Winter for control since March 20th.

Two days ago it snowed so hard that I couldn't see across the street.

A mere 5 minutes later it was clear and sunny. 5 minutes later snow again. 

It went on and off like this all day long.

That's not fog by the way. That's snow.

Today the kids go back to school after being off for Spring Break.

And it's supposed to snow again this afternoon. And tomorrow. 

And maybe again on Thursday.

Both kids have had Pneumonia this Spring.

My 6 year old grandson got diagnosed with it first, a week before Spring Break even started.

My 3 year old granddaughter got it on the last Friday of Spring Break.

Both got chest x-rays, both got antibiotics, both got worse before they got better.

I'm exhausted just from listening to them cough.

I'm also thrilled that they are now on the road to recovery. 

I am so grateful they got well. I realize some children don't.

We didn't go anywhere for Spring Break (Obviously not with 2 sick kids)

I think maybe we should have taken them to the beach though.

I think a little time spent by the ocean in that salty sea air with all that warm sun and sand might have cured them a little bit faster. I know it would have fixed me right up.

My daughters test results came back negative for Ovarian cancer. 

What she has is a Chocolate Ovary...a mass consisting of a cyst and all sorts of other nastiness all glued together with endometriosis. She definitely needs a D&C and pending the pathology of that procedure she may or may not need to have a hysterectomy. She is 32 years old.

I'm super grateful that it was not cancer. 

I have to tell you that it was scary waiting for those results. 

I tried to put it out of my mind but the what ifs would occasionally make themselves known and I would retreat to prayer (ie: begging and pleading with God) to help ease my worry.

I don't know if the begging and pleading worked or if the God that I know and love took pity on me but I always felt better afterwards.

And then the results of her testing were answers to our prayers so a big shout out to my God for favors granted! Thank You Jesus! Amen.

Listen... I pray for my grandkids to get well and they do. But I need to pray for the parents of the little children that sometimes don't recover and get well.

I pray for my daughter to have favorable test results (Please God! Not cancer!!) and we get the results we were praying for. But I also know of a young woman, 28 yrs old, who died from Ovarian cancer leaving behind 2 young sons and a devastated husband that maybe I should be praying for.

I pray for an end to this stubborn Winter and Spring makes herself known by sprouting buds on trees and bringing back the birds and flowers and the occasional warm sunny day. Followed by snow.

I'm pretty sure that I had nothing to do with that. It's God. Always God. His timing. His way.

How about you? Do you feel like God answers your prayers? Do you feel like God is even listening?

A Gray Jay

I've written a gratitude list since 2011.
Every single day, 365 days a year, I write down 3 things that I am grateful for.
I learned it from Ann Voskamp through her book titled 1000 Gifts.
So this morning when I went to write down something that my oldest grand boy had said I couldn't remember what it was. Total blank.
While giving myself time to remember what it was exactly that I wanted to remember I got out my devotional books to do my daily readings.

The first book was Daily Guideposts 2016.
Yeah yeah, I know. Only gray haired Lutheran women subscribe to that publication.
But I like reading it. And besides I do have a few gray hairs and I am a Lutheran. :)

The writer for this days reading was Carol Knapp.
She described an encounter with a Chickadee on Easter morning. She goes on to say that this Chickadee was doing it's usual thing by singing "He-who" when all of a sudden he lands on her foot and hops it's way up her leg, to her torso and then finally coming to rest on her head.
And then she connects it to a Bible passage-

25 ..... “I am the resurrection and the life; he who believes in Me will live even if he dies, 26 and everyone who lives and believes in Me will never die. Do you believe this?”   John 11:25-26New American Standard Bible (NASB)

She caught the reference of "He who believes in Me" and matched it up to what that little bird  was singing ....He-who....He-who.

I don't believe that I will ever be able to listen to the sound of that bird again without thinking of her Bible passage reference. She floored me with that! I was awed and stunned. Wow.

For further study she suggests reading the following passage-

21 Now when all the people were baptized, Jesus was also baptized, and while He was praying, heaven was opened, 22 and the Holy Spirit descended upon Him in bodily form like a dove, and a voice came out of heaven, “You are My beloved Son, in You I am well-pleased.”Luke 3:21-2(NASB)

And Whamo! There it is! That's what I wanted to remember for my gratitude list. The dove.

My grandson saw a dove in our backyard for the first time yesterday. 

He didn't know what kind of bird it was so he asked me- "Granny? Is that a Gray Jay?"

Isn't that one of the cutest things you've ever heard?

No? Oh well. I thought it was just precious. Perfect and cute enough to make my gratitude list.

A Gray Jay. It still  makes me giggle.

But what I loved most of all was how God had a hand in helping me to remember what it was that I was trying to remember....a gray dove. 

I love it when God shows up like that in my life.

Most days God shows up at about 5:15 when the kids have gone home and I've had a glass of wine.

That's not me being sacrilegious either. That's the honest to god truth.

Once the grandkids are gone, I can sit back and reflect on my day.

I think back on where I saw God in my day and where I think I didn't see Him.

I think back on my attitude and my words I've used and how the day might have been a bit better had Granny not yelled quite so much.

It's when I ask for His forgiveness then accept His grace because I know I'll be given another chance to make it right again tomorrow. And the day after that. And the day after that.

The grandkids leave and have no idea that I rehash in my mind my day with them. 

No idea that I feel bad for yelling or that a 6 year old boys decription of a bird has rendered me speechless or that I ask God for his forgiveness for being snippy.

That's between me and God and a Gray Jay in the backyard.

Thanks for reading.

Love, Lolly

My madcap March re-cap

Hello!

Remember me? It's been a busy month to say the least.

Not really fun busy, more like I CANT TAKE ONE MORE PIECE OF BAD NEWS busy.

My daughter has been prescribed Progesterone to help her keep this pregnancy. 

It's not like she is having a miscarriage; she just needs a boost of progesterone to prevent one. She feels crampy and nauseated and exhausted.

My other daughter has a complex cyst on one ovary and a simple cyst on the other.

She has extensive endometriosis and adenomyosis in her pelvic cavity and also she has an elevated CA125 blood test result.

If you are unaware what a CA125 blood test is for it is an ovarian cancer marker.

She is scheduled for a D&C and an oopherectomy (ovary removal) on Wednesday.
I.Will. Not. Freak. Out. I. Will. NOT. Worry. I. Will. Give. It. To. God. Amen.

My 6 year old grandson is recovering from a bout of Pneumonia. Pneumonia!!!

He's been sick for two weeks now along with his 3 yr old sister who developed an ear infection.
She lays like a limp rag on my couch with a high fever off and on for 8 days.

The fevers, snotty noses, and coughing, coughing, coughing, coughing of these two. ...it's making me a little bit crazed.

We've lost an hour of sleep due to Daylight Savings Time. 

I may never recover. 

I am so tired.

On Good Friday me and the grandkids were driving home from my pregnant daughters house.

Half way home my grandson says "Granny, I have a bad headache."

"Ok, Bud" I tell him. "Let's stop by Momma's work on the way home."

2 minutes later he's complaining of  his headache becoming real bad.

2 minutes after that he yells out " Granny it hurts so bad right now, I can hardly stand it!"

"Ok baby", I tell him. "I can see Momma's office right down the road. We're almost there!"

He starts writhing and twisting and thrashing in his car seat..."Ooooh Granny" he wails.

"Hang on Sweetie, we're almost there ok?" And he mumbles something incoherent.

"Granny can't hear you Sweetie...What did you say?"  Incoherent groaning follows.

And then he starts puking. And puking. And puking. In my car. In his carseat. On himself.

It hits the door and the floor and it covers his coat, his blankie and his stuffed lovie.

I cannot believe he has thrown up so much. I haven't been able to get either one of them to eat more than a few crackers over the last week and a half!

I am frantic at this point. My car is quickly becoming a noxious environment. 

Both kids are crying. 

I'm scared out of my ever loving mind because this grand boy of mine has just exhibited what I believe are brain tumor symptoms. Or a brain bleed of some sort. Maybe a stroke??

I call his Momma on my cell from the parking lot and yell at her to come out and help me!

We clean him up, change his clothes, and pack every soiled thing into a large garbage bag and put him in the front seat of my car where he calmly says to both of us-

"Can we go to McDonald's, Pleeeaaase?"

Uh....What?!??

"My headache is all gone. I want a Happy meal. Please Granny?"

I am stunned to say the least. Dumbstruck. What has just happened here?

What in the name of all that is holy has just happened here???

His mother and I exchange glances, shrug our shoulders and figure it can't hurt.

He is fine. Perfectly fine after all of this.

He is still coughing but has no headache. He eats every bit of that god-awful Happy Meal. The chicken, the fries, the apples.

He goes home with his Momma at the usual time and eats Pizza for dinner.

He plays with his sister and goes to bed and then wakes up the next morning feeling fine.

Meanwhile I can't get the memory of what happened out of my head. 

My husband and I scrub the carseat and the backseat and the carpet on the floor.

I call my daughter and ask her repeatedly to check on him.

"Mom!!" she says, "He is fine. Playing and acting fine."

Well all right then. Guess I need to say Thank You Jesus and move on.

This last week of March is Spring Break for my grandson. We have no plans, Thank God!

I think we all just need to recoup from sickness and worry and stress.

Already today I have yelled and threatened and hollered for them to pick up their toys and stop fighting and eat lunch and stop hitting each other!!

Today I'm grateful for the beautiful noise of these two. 

The messy, smelly, fighting, crying noise of grandchildren.

(Remind me I said this when this week is over. Is it really only Monday!?)

Gotta go! Grandkids are healthy again. And feeling just fine.

I'm grateful. So very grateful.

A Friday in March

My granddaughter took a  nap at noon today.
I got so excited I almost wet my pants. Oh, wait. No. That's just menopause.
Seriously, I wish I had something to write about.
I've got all this free time and not a damn thing to say.

I will say this-
This little 3 year old grandchild of mine is a ball of fire. Man alive is she a pistol!
From crossing the street to making herself lunch to setting up her play kitchen to putting on her snow boots to brushing her teeth to turning off the TV to closing the door to wanting to put on her own seat belt...I am exhausted from fighting with her ABOUT EVERYTHING!!!
I DO IT she screams at me.

She. Is. 3.
Three.
And not even really 3 yet! Her birthday is on Monday the 7th.

So her taking a nap in the middle of the day is a lovely little gift and I Thank You Jesus for that!

Winter is winding down here in Illinois. Keep your fingers crossed.
We usually get one more big storm before we're really out of the woods!

I am ready for Spring. I think.
I'm done with the snow and the blowing cold wind.
I'm ready for more agreeable temperatures.
I  miss playing outside and riding bikes with the kids and walking around the block.
We all walk to and from school every morning and then again in the afternoon but it's not the same as a meandering walk around the neighborhood, ya know?

My Winter gardens are ugly and I want to see color and flowers and green grass and leaves. And daily sunshine.
Don't get me wrong...I am grateful for the slow down of the winter season.
Staying inside and being cozy and eating hardy foods...I get it. I'm blessed.
I just want warmer weather. A little bit warmer. Not too warm.
Y'all know I'm going to bitch about that Summer heat though, right?

Good Lord but you'd think I'd stop complaining so much if I'm going to keep telling you all how blessed I truly am.

Spring time is when I really notice the presence of God. All things new and all that.
It's so true, though, isn't it?
The way the sunshine makes a body feel.
The new growth on the trees; the unfolding of the leaves and buds.
Plants just starting to push up threw the ground, the feel of the Earth and the smell of rain.
It's heady stuff to me.
It makes me want to reach for more; more color, more air, more life.
And speaking of more life we are going to be grandparents again come October.
More life indeed!

The granddaughter is stirring...time for me to go.
Here's a Spring poem from my favorite poet Ted Loder titled-
Be with me in my unfolding

It is spring, Lord.
And the land is coming up green again,
Unfolding
Outside my well-drawn boundaries
And urgent schedules.

And there is the mystery
And the smile of it.
The willows are dripping honey color into the rivers,
And the mother birds are busy in manger nests,
And I am learning again
That "for everything there is a season
And a time for every matter under heaven."
O Lord, you have sketched the lines of spring.
Be with me in my unfolding.

It is spring, Lord,
And my blood runs warm with the song of the sap,
Longing
For a beauty I would become.
And there is the mystery
And the smile of it.
The buds are swelling on the bush,
The sun is beginning to coax the color
From where it's been curled against the cold,
The air is sweet to the nostrils;
Even the city seems to be rubbing its eyes
From a long sleep;

And there is a promise in the season
I know no name for
Except life.
O Lord, you have sketched the lines of spring.
Be with me in my longing.

It is spring, Lord,
And something stirs in me,
Reaching, stretching
Groping for words,
Peeking through my defenses,
Beckoning in my laughter,
Riding on past my fears,
Pulsing in my music.

And there is the mystery
And the smile of it.
Be with me in my reaching
So I will touch or be touched,
This time,
By a grace, a warmth, a light,
To unfold my life to a new beginning,
A fresh budding,
A spring within as well as around me.
O Lord, you have sketched the lines of spring.
Be with me in my reaching.

A quick note

I got a hair cut today.
It snowed so hard I was kinda scared to drive to the salon and then have to drive back home.
It stopped snowing an hour after I got home.

I miss reading Birdie's posts...where're you at Birdie?

I read Linda's posts and it makes my heart clench, the memories of being down that road that she's on still fresh in my mind. It makes me want to hug her.

I read Annette's posts with tears in my eyes...and find myself worrying about her girl and praying so hard it makes my teeth hurt from clenching them while I beg God to intervene.

I read Julie's latest posts about her beloved Micheal and bawled my eyes out every day for a week.

I'm more than ready for Spring to get here!! I am finding this snow and cold rather tiresome.

I feel like I have writers block and can't find any thing worth writing about.

My three year old granddaughter's favorite word here lately has been Dammit.
My six year old grandson sang in a play at school and was amazingly cute and perfect.
My two year old grandson got bit twice at daycare and it made me feel so sad for him.

We are going to be grandparents again in October...Yay!

That's it for now. Thanks for reading! Love Lolly