2022 our last year together

 Barring any kind of God ordained miracle this will be our last year together.

Never in a million years did I think I would be doing this..caring for my dying man.

It's awful and heartbreaking. He has no dignity left and there are adult diapers in this house.

I'm lonely and stressed out. I don't want this to be my life, OUR life, and yet it is.

I'm tired and yet I can't sleep. I toss and turn at night while listening for him to call for help.

I miss being taken care of.  I miss being a wife. I miss sleeping in the same bed with him.

I miss doing the simple things together like shopping for groceries or walking the dog.

I. Miss. Him.

I miss the timbre of his voice, I miss the way he always smelled like Heaven, I miss his sense of humor.

I miss the size he used to be...6' tall and 200 pounds.

Did you know that I can lift him up all by myself right now?

When I gently hug him all I can feel are his bones.

Cancer is a horrible disease...for patients and family members who love them.

I know how this will all end and truly I tell you I don't want to witness it, but I have no choice.

Just like he had no choice in getting afflicted with this.

I don't want to be a widow, I don't want to do life on my own but what choice do I have?

He is too ill to go on any last minute trips or make new memories together.

The RV sits in the driveway covered in snow while the Harley sits in the garage under a tarp.

Covid has prevented us from being with our adult kids and the grandkids as much as we'd like.

There is very little to be joyful about and I fear that this will be our hardest and saddest year together.

I wish with all my heart and soul that it could be different for him, for me, for us.

We fought against life and each other for the first 28 years of our marriage. It was so hard.

These last 11 years have been the best of our lives, and it has been so good and loving.

He spoiled me. He became my rock. We were gonna ride off into the sunset on our Harley together.

Guess he will go ahead of me. And I will meet him there when it is my turn.

When it's time for him to leave this Earth I will tell him:

"Go on Hon...you can go. Go hug our baby Abigail and give her a kiss for me. 

Pet the dogs and cats and tell them I still miss them all.

I will look for you in the beautiful sunrises and sunsets for the rest of my days.

And at night I hope I'll find you in the stars winking down at me.

And Thanks Art. Thanks for loving me, thanks for the beautiful kids, thanks for everything."

Love, me. XO

Telling the truth

 To say that I have been on an emotional roller coaster is quite the understatement.

Him and I are, to put it simply, devastated.

All of our future plans and dreams have vanished into thin air.

He was going to retire next year.

The places we wanted to go, the things we wanted to do....are gone.

We wanted to load up our Harley into the back of our RV and ride off into the sunset with our little dog.

Neither one of us has ever seen the western United States.

Well...we did go to South Dakota but what we were talking about was West.

Montana, California, Washington state, maybe Vancouver Island so I could try to find Birdie.

I wanted to go East and see Martha's Vineyard, Maine, New Hampshire too.

Next year we said. Next year we would hit the road. Next year we would head out to new adventures.

We wanted to park our RV on the beach down near the gulf of Mexico. 

We wanted to wake up with the sound of the ocean coming in through the open windows.

We wanted to see the Redwoods, the Sierra Mountains, that bridge in Oregon with the waterfall.

Jackson Hole Wyoming, The Grand Canyon, Sante Fe.

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His cancer seems to be advancing at an alarming speed.

They have not given us a time line other than perhaps 6 mos to a year.

I am having difficulty processing this sometimes. I am forgetful. I forget to eat some days.

I am sad. I cry a lot. My heart breaks for the grand children who love him so much.

You can see the worry in their eyes. His eyes sometimes are vacant and stare off into space.

Some mornings when I wake him I can see his old self lurking there behind the pain.

I'll say to him " There you are. You're back. Wanna stay a while?"

He asks for pain meds and I lose him again to the medicine that keeps him comfortable.

This feels like such a fucking nightmare.

I don't want this to be our life. I don't want this for him. I don't want to be a widow.

It is so incredibly unfair. 

Pardon my dust. I'm under deconstruction.

 So I sorta checked out for the last year.

I've been on FB and Instagram daily but I don't post about much

except for Instagram where I post pics once in a while.

It might be a shock to you to find out that I've been deconstructing my faith.

And it's the strangest damn thing.

In the past I've seen Jesus with my own eyes.

I've heard the sound of his voice with my own ears.

I have physically felt his presence in the ether around me.

Don't get me wrong...I still believe in Him but I don't see him or hear him or feel him anymore.

So I quit going to my church during the pandemic and I feel no sense of loss or remorse.

I am trying to find a connection to something spiritual through nature and meditation.

When I hear birds I stop in my tracks and look up for the source.

They way they chirp and twitter and sing makes me feel holy. 

So does the sound of the wind soughing through the leaves.

I want it to rain all the time because the scent of rain can drop me to my knees with it's heavenly smell.

Outside my window I can see the pop of spring green as the leaves bud on the trees.

Our neighbors have a bed of tulips in rainbow colors that thrills me every time I see it.

My Hostas and Bee Balm and Day Lily's are starting to grow and I can smell life in the dirt outside my front door. 

Winter is my favorite season but Spring is a close second.

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In my family and extended family all of us adults have been inoculated against Covid-19.

I still don't go anywhere and the grand kids are still doing remote learning here in my living room.

We still order groceries on line and do curbside pick up when we can. 

Amazon works well for us fortunately as we order a lot of things on-line.

Honestly I'm not sure if I want that part of life, shopping in person, to ever go back to normal.

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 My husband had spine surgery back in March and then developed complications to his diabetes after that. It's been a long road to recovery and he's not done yet. We need to change the way he eats and check his sugars more.  We are taking it one day and one meal at a time.

He still has a lot of PT to complete for his spine rehab but at least he can go back to work.

I rather enjoyed having him home for the last two months which surprises me.

We mellowed as we've gotten older and I've noticed during the length of his confinement that he's not such a rotten patient and I'm not such a bad nurse after all.

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I'm not sure when I'll post again. I'm trying to figure out if blogging is still my thing or not.

I will say that I miss reading your blogs and I miss my little tiny on-line community of friends.

As always,

Thanks for reading,

Love, Lolly

Pioneer Life

 Today is a busy day.

It's my daughters 37th birthday.

So I'll be making her a birthday dinner that she can take home after she picks up the kids.

Homemade Vegetable Tortillini Soup

Homemade Skillet Bread

Homemade Cherry Crisp

It's also Friday which means scrambled eggs and toast and bacon for the grandkids for breakfast.

It's also bathroom cleaning day, changing our bedsheets and catching up on laundry.

I need to salt the front sidewalks which are very icy and I'll need to check the dryer vent and furnace exhaust to make sure they aren't buried under a snow drift next to the house.

The snow is almost 3 feet deep in our backyard so I have started a Squirrel feed box.

I watched as one Squirrel tried to climb down the tree into the snow and as soon as it's little paw hit the snowbank and sunk, it quickly turned around and scrambled back up the tree.

So I'll need to check on that Squirrel box too. 

I keep it loaded up with peanut butter crackers, sliced apples, sliced oranges, and sunflower seeds.

The bird feeder looks frozen solid so I better check that out while I'm out there.

Feeling like a real pioneer wife today...lots to do on the homestead.

Except that I don't have to chop wood or break the ice in the river to heat and make water, you know...like those folks in Texas.  (too soon, eh? sorry)

Don't mean to be flip. I laugh and crack wise to alleviate my anxiety.

Hope Dan Tucker brings home something good for supper.

Thanks for reading,

Love, Lolly

Waiting for March

 It snowed glitter today.  Bright, silvery, shiny, glittery flakes. It looked so beautiful.

The snow is drifted 3 feet deep in the front yard and looks like it is covered in diamonds.

Temperatures have been brutally cold for the last few weeks with many days being below zero.

Today the real feel temperature is -10 degrees but the sun is shining so it looks warm outside.

This winter feels like it is never ending and more snow is predicted over the next few days.

Covid, remote learning and shopping for groceries on-line have kept me virtually housebound.

There's nowhere to go anyway so the weather hasn't really been an issue.

In two weeks my husband will be having Thoracic spine surgery at RUSH in Chicago.

I hope the snow lightens up so we can safely drive in to the city. 

To be honest I'm more concerned about driving in the snowy weather than his surgery.

We found one of the best surgeons in the USA for this type of surgery and I am thrilled.

Dr. Kern Singh teaches other Orthopedic Dr.'s how to do this rarely performed surgery.

Our son is coming home from St.Paul for the week to help us out and he has a friend with an  apartment just 3 minutes from the RUSH Medical campus just in case we need a place to stay.

Our daughter took two days off of work and will be in charge of our Chihuahua back home and will also be doing the remote learning with the grandkids (her OWN kids).

Our son-in-law, a firefighter/medic, also has a few days off after the surgery in case we need his help.

I want the surgery to be over already and to be back at home playing nursemaid.

(Remind me of this when I next post about him being a horrible patient and him accusing me of acting like Nurse Ratchet....both of which will be true).

Hope you are all staying healthy!

Thanks for reading,

Love, Lolly

Auld Lang Syne

There comes a time when one must get up out of her chair and do something.

Should I join the resistance? Or just watch the whole world burn outside my window?

Should I pray or Meditate? Or have I done enough if I just get my kitchen cleaned?

Will today be the day that I start my new Yoga practice that I told myself I'd start in January?

Or did I already overexert myself by bending over to put on my socks?

Maybe I should pick up a book and read something.   

(my god! When did I stop reading???)

My gratitude list took a huge hit these past four years. I have to force myself to write in it.

Sunrise? yeah, yeah, it's pretty and all, but....meh. How many sunrises can one be grateful for?

My mind cannot settle on one thing. It is hard to be still and know. 

Jesus, who saved me so profoundly 10 years ago, is silent in my mind and in this world.

I miss Him with a passion that I cannot quite name. 

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Living in todays society as an Empath is becoming harder to bare.

I am isolated but truly that is ok with me. I am not lonely.

There is a lot that is broken in my world, and in the world at large.

The dog injured her good eye and has been to the Vet twice for treatment and care.

My husband has had a herniated disc in his T-spine since October. The pain is driving him mad.

The dryer and oven are not working and both need to be replaced.

Covid is raging across the land and I am fearful for my family members.

There is a lunatic in charge of the United States and he needs to be removed....NOW.

I've gained more weight than I care to talk about and I haven't cut my hair in a year, so, you know, I'm looking pretty fly right now.

I miss the sound of the ocean, riding our Harley on country back roads, and camping in our RV.

I miss the smell of my grandsons head and I miss pinching the tiny little butt of my granddaughter as she runs up the stairs squealing with glee.

I miss the smell of the library and strolling the aisles looking for a good book to read.

Gawd! I miss reading!!!  I hope that desire comes back soon.

I miss walking the grandkids to school, family get togethers, and using my dryer.

And I miss normal, whatever that is.

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Wanna know what I don't miss?

Grocery shopping. The humidity of Summer. Small talk at after school pick up. Weeding gardens. Old friends that we used to hang out with who are now avid supporters of that nincompoop in DC.

Hmmm...maybe I don't miss normal that much after all.

Thanks for reading,

Love, Lolly

On a Friday in October

The dog has an appt. to go to the Vet. Her left eye is watery and squinty. She is blind in her right eye.

The Vet gave me an "Emergency Appt" slot at 6:15 and will charge me $100.00 in addition to the cost of the OV, eye exam and probable prescription.

They told me to bring a book, that I must remain in my car and I must remain in their parking lot and that I would be waiting in excess of one hour.

I feel their Emergency Appt fee is excessive and also I feel like they are penalizing me for my dogs emergency. It feels wrong to me. And I'm a bit salty about it.

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There is a dead mouse somewhere in my basement and the smell is slowly taking over my house. Ack!

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My 7 yo granddaughter pee'd her pants twice today. The second time she ran past me the odor of foul urine almost knocked me backwards.

She has an emergency appt at the pediatrician's office today at 3:00.

FYI- They aren't charging an extra $100.00 for that appt.

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Neither one of us slept very well last night. Today we feel a bit grouchy. Early to bed tonight (I hope).

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We haha HE winterized our RV last night while I watched Joe Bidens Town Hall on TV.

Please Dear God...if YOU are up there in Your heaven...PLEASE. Please save us from this nightmare.

I just don't know what I am gonna do if Biden/Harris don't win November 3rd. Seriously. It scares me.

Birdie? Make up the spare bedroom. Oh wait. I forgot. Canada is closed to the USA.

Well shit.

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I also found out today that my grandson hates the smell of chocolate. 

He likes the taste, but hates the smell. He said that he holds his breath the whole time he eats it.

Uh...that's funny I thought to myself.  I eat chocolate the exact same way.

Oh. Wait. No I don't. I inhale it. That's not the same at all.  LOL

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I think that's it for now.

Love, Lolly