I paid the last mortgage payment today.
I officially own this home.
And it made me want to bawl.
I have no debt.
And I have no one to share that with.
Look Hon! We are debt free.
And you aren't here to enjoy that with me.
Grief strikes on so many different levels.
His truck is paid off.
My car is paid off.
The RV has been sold.
And now the house no longer is mortgaged to the bank.
Why do you suppose that makes me feel like crying?
Lolly
There are times when there is no one to call.
Times when crying is the only thing that helps, if only for a brief moment.
Times when I am so lonely I don't have any other choice but to cry in the privacy of my own house in the privacy of my own pain.
It has been 3 years which means everything and nothing at the same time.
Three years... Aren't you over it yet??
Three years... My God it seems like just yesterday...
In my dreams you talk to me, you love me, hug me, sleep with me.
In the morning I am so disappointed that you are still gone and it was only dream.
I hate sleeping alone.
I hate that you aren't here to kiss me, hug me, to make me feel safe.
I hate that the RV is gone and that Kevin and his wife are loving it like we did.
The grandkids are getting older. And they are losing their memories of you.
I can't stand that. I can't stand the fact that you are disappearing from their lives!
I miss riding the Harley with you.
I miss going to the hardware store with you.
I miss cooking for you.
I miss you in our bed at night.
Some days the pain is still so damn raw.
It has been 3 years which means everything and nothing at the same time.
Grief has altered my life in so many ways.
I just want normal. And I am afraid that this IS my new normal.
Sometimes there aren't enough words to describe this feeling.
I am ruined. I am different. I am forever changed.
There is joy. But the heartache remains.
Love, Lolly
Why is it so wrong to still be so sad?
My husband died, my (his) dog died,
Our retirement dreams died.
It's been 3 years.
Isn't it still ok to be sad?
I think so.
I can't imagine wrapping this up with a bow on top.
I can't imagine what normal feels like anymore.
I want everything back...
Him, her, our RV, our future, .....my life.
Moving on is like treading through cement, still.
I. Don't. Know. How. To. Move. On.
Move on?...... to what?!?
True north is gone.
I don't know what way to go.
There isn't a word to describe this loneliness that I feel.
What, where, when is the way forward?
How do I LIVE again?
I want no pity.
I don't even expect understanding.
I just need to write this out.
There is a fog that has enveloped me since he died 3 years ago.
A fog that I have been unable to find my way out of.
I am tired. I am sad. I want nothing but to sleep forever.
I am not suicidal. I am sad and lonely and lost and tired, so very tired.
I am finding it so hard to move on without him.
I read somewhere that after fight or flight comes freeze.
The fight and the flight was his illness and death.
The freeze is not being able to move on or think or process this new life.
Most days I am ok with this weird lonely life.
Other days the blanket of fog rolls over me and keeps me tethered to the couch.
I've always been my own advocate when it comes to living with grief.
My motto is Space and Grace. Space to process and Grace for my hurting heart.
I will not hurry through this to please others.
Each day finds me learning or doing new things.
Things that he used to take care of that are now my responsibilty.
Today I unclogged the bathtub.
There is also a drip under the bathroom sink that I need to investigate.
His lil 15 year old dog pee'd the bed last night so I spent the remainder of the day
washing sheets, blankets, and the comforter.
Found that the cat puked in the grandkids toy room days ago so I'm scrubbing that up too.
I've found that grief is boring. It is lonely. It is isolating.
I have nothing to talk about. My life is dull.
No one wants to hear about grief after a while.
I've lost the ability to look for gratitude and joy.
I want to be happy and upbeat but I'm not. And I don't know how to fake it.
Nor do I want to fake it. This is a hard season in my life. Grief is hard.
But I'll just keep slogging through it.
And eventually, I believe, I'll turn a corner.
I miss you guys. I miss blogging. I miss reading about your lives.
Is anybody still out there writing and reading posts??
Thanks for reading,
Love Lolly
I grocery shopped and filled the freezer for winter.
I unclogged the tub with Liquid Plumber.
I hired a landscape company to do a Fall clean up of my yard.
I took the dog to a groomers for a bath and a haircut.
I've gone to my Dr. for a physical and got my bloodwork done.
I voted.
I changed the furnace filter.
Today I finished all of the laundry.
Tomorrow I will mop floors and vacuum.
I am getting the house ready for Winter.
To be truthful... I am so very lonely.
I miss my husband more than words can say.
Sometimes it feels worse than it did 3 years ago.
The longing is worse.
I miss him more than I ever thought possible.
His face. His eyes. His smell. The touch of his hands.
The world is a scary place and I am alone.
Jesus is still silent. I haven't felt His presence in years.
I don't know who to turn to. I don't know who to trust.
Jesus failed me. So has my fellow man.
I am adrift. And I have no idea where I am headed.
I no longer know what to pray for. I know longer know how to pray.
My stomach hurts. My guts are boiling. My brain is in overdrive.
I just want to sleep thru the night without any more nightmares.
What is happening to our country?
I am in shock, I am numb, I am dumbfounded.
When the joy returns...
1. One day you will hear a bird singing. And when you look up you will see a red cardinal sitting at the very top of a 100 foot Pine tree that sits across the street from your house. And it will be singing. And you will recognize its song. And you will smile.
2. On a Friday night you will order Thai food; his favorite dish AND yours. And as you eat it, it will restore your faith in humanity because it has been 2 years since you've had it and it will be the most delicious thing you've eaten in a long time.
3. You will place 4 books on hold at the local library and all 4 will arrive at the same time and you will be thrilled because your joy of reading has returned and you won't know which book to start first.
4. You will finally, after 3 years, start sleeping in the middle of your Queen size bed. And you will dream of him and he will seem so damn real in your arms and he will hug you and kiss your neck just like he used to, and you will wake with a smile on your face and a lovely dream to remember.
5. One day you will wear one of your Harley T-shirts and you will remember where you were when you bought it. You will remember riding behind him on those bike trips, and it will break your heart and you will cry healing tears for 2 straight hours. In the morning your eyes will be puffy but your heart will not be as sore as it was before.
6. Spring will show up. The Lilacs will bloom and you will be able to smell them and not cry. You will touch the young green leaves of the sprouting plants and you'll watch the Robins and the warming temperatures will make your heart glad. Angel will mow your lawn one last time before he moves away and you will be grateful and thankful. And a bit sad.
7. Your 1st born grandboy will graduate Jr. High. He will grow taller than you and he will be starting high school in the fall. And you realize your husband would've been so proud. My god... Look at him!!
8. You will volunteer to re shelve books at a school library and to Usher at the local theater company and realize that these two "jobs" are saving your life in a way you could never have imagined.
9. You will hire a landscaping company to mow your lawn without clearing it with anybody else. And it will be a good thing.
10. The bills will be paid and the house will be cleaned and the groceries will be bought and life will move on and you won't be as ruined as you were two years ago. You will learn to live again even though you are still sad.
I have so many lessons to still learn. I have so much life left to live.
To say I miss him is an understatement. I have no choice but to move forward.
The joy that I am witnessing is what is getting me through this next chapter of my life.
I am lonely but I am hopeful.
Thanks for reading,
Love, Lolly
Does anybody journal?
Do you journal daily?
Do you find that it helps you?
Is it something you'd recommend?
Did you find that it was hard to get started?
Did it/does it help you get "unstuck?"
What are the benefits?
Any draw backs?
