When the joy returns

 When the joy returns...

1. One day you will hear a bird singing. And when you look up you will see a red cardinal sitting at the very top of a 100 foot Pine tree that sits across the street from your house. And it will be singing. And you will recognize its song. And you will smile.

2. On a Friday night you will order Thai food; his favorite dish AND yours. And as you eat it, it will restore your faith in humanity because it has been 2 years since you've had it and it will be the most  delicious thing you've eaten in a long time.

3. You will place 4 books on hold at the local library and all 4 will arrive at the same time and you will be thrilled because your joy of reading has returned and you won't know which book to start first.

4. You will finally, after 3 years, start sleeping in the middle of your Queen size bed. And you will dream of him and he will seem so damn real in your arms and he will hug you and kiss your neck just like he used to, and you will wake with a smile on your face and a lovely dream to remember.

5. One day you will wear one of your Harley T-shirts and you will remember where you were when you bought it. You will remember riding behind him on those bike trips, and it will break your heart and you will cry healing tears for 2 straight hours. In the morning your eyes will be puffy but your heart will not be as sore as it was before.

6. Spring will show up. The Lilacs will bloom and you will be able to smell them and not cry. You will touch the young green leaves of the sprouting plants and you'll watch the Robins and the warming temperatures will make your heart glad. Angel will mow your lawn one last time before he moves away and you will be grateful and thankful. And a bit sad.

7. Your 1st born grandboy will graduate Jr. High. He will grow taller than you and he will be starting high school in the fall. And you realize your husband would've been so proud. My god... Look at him!!

8. You will volunteer  to re shelve books at a school library and to Usher at the local theater company and realize that these two "jobs" are saving your life in a way you could never have imagined.

9. You will hire a landscaping company to mow your lawn without clearing it with anybody else. And it will be a good thing. 

10. The bills will be paid and the house will be cleaned and the groceries will be bought and  life will move on and you won't be as ruined as you were two years ago.  You will learn to live again even though you are still sad.

I have so many lessons to still learn. I have so much life left to live. 

To say I miss him is an understatement. I have no choice but to move forward.

The joy that I am witnessing is what is getting me through this next chapter of my life.

I am lonely but I am hopeful.

Thanks for reading,

Love, Lolly

Putting pen to paper

Does anybody journal?

Do you journal daily?

Do you find that it helps you? 

Is it something you'd recommend?

Did you find that it was hard to get started?

Did it/does it help you get "unstuck?"

What are the benefits?

Any draw backs?

Year two

He died in the heart of winter.

The season that he hated most of all.

It's one of the first things I thought of, one of the first thing I felt bad about.

I thought it a cruel joke that he would die in the middle of winter, 

with the ice and cold and the wind chasing after him as he passed from this world.

It feels like it was just yesterday and also like it has been forever since I saw him.

Grief changes a persons very identity, Nothing is the same.

I am:

sad, forgetful, happy, lonesome, relieved, ruined, crazy, normal, old, fragile, strong, and fine. I cry, I laugh, I am depressed and I am funny.

I grocery shop, pay bills, do my laundry and I sleep alone.

How is this possible???

How is it possible to be all of these things at the same time??

My children and grandchildren save me daily. My love for them is immeasurable.

I miss him so much and some days are still so damn hard.

The world is weird and ugly and sometimes I am afraid.

I wish he was still here cuz then everything would feel alright.

I felt safe when he was here. I felt loved and cared for.

***************

I am slowly learning how to love and care for myself.

I go to Physical Therapy 2 times a week. 

My therapist is helping me to relearn the mind body connection. 

She is teaching me how to let go of the pain in my body that I have carried for two years.

I take Epsom salt baths to help me release tension and relax.

I've joined Weight Watchers to count points everyday and I still drink too much wine.

I take a nap daily and I have no guilt over this. My body still needs the rest.

I miss married life, I miss intimacy, I miss him.

His voice, his smell, his arms around me.... his kiss.

The dictionary doesn't have the words to describe this level of  loneliness.

I am fine and I am wrecked. I know love and loss.

Widowhood sucks. I'd give ANYTHING to go back to normal.

I'm tired of being lonely. I miss him.

Love, Lolly

Angels and snowstorms

 It is 21 degrees outside with a wind chill that makes it really feel like 8,

and I am sitting in my house barefoot, wearing a T-shirt and jammie pants,

staring out the front window at a panoramic view of snow and ice.

I am sweating and hot from digging my car out of a huge snowdrift.

Yesterday it snowed a foot in my town. It snowed for 12 hours, maybe more.

Schools were closed, businesses were closed, everything was cancelled.

I waited until this morning to dig out my car and I had to do it early 

because the temperature will be dropping like a stone today, down into

 negative digits, with 40 mph wind gusts. This is supposed to last for 3 days.

Winter has finally arrived!

I love the coziness of a snowstorm, being inside my house, hunkered down on the couch with my dog, a book, a blanket. 

I am safe and warm and I am privileged enough that I don't have to go to work or the store. 

I don't even have to shovel my driveway because my brother in law will plow it for me later today.

My furnace is running and my house is cleaned (I did it yesterday during the storm).

My kitchen cupboards are stocked as are my fridge and freezer. 

My car has a full tank of gas. The water pipes are insulated.

My husband taught me well. He was always prepared for stuff like weather emergency's.

He showed me how to turn the water off so the pipes don't freeze, how to check the outside vent of the furnace to make sure it wasn't blocked by snow and ice  and how to hook up the generator (instructions which I no longer remember).

The snowblower needed a new belt 3 years ago, but he never got around to replacing it so that sits in the garage idle, useless, collecting dust.

Last year,  my neighbor, whose name I did not know, started snowblowing my sidewalks without me even asking him. And he's doing it this year too. 

When I finally got up the courage to ask him his name, he replied 

 "My name is Angel."

The symbolism was not lost on me. 

**********

It's taken me a longtime to make my way back to looking for gratitude.

And it started with a snowstorm and a man named Angel.

Thanks for reading,

Love, Lolly

Looking for signs

 

Are you the star in the midnight sky that I've been staring at?

Are you the Cardinal on the neighbors roof that sings in the morning?

Are you the Mourning Dove that coos from the high wire in front of our house?

Did you send that red leaf that floated down right in front of me from the tree out front?

Was it you who left that Hawk feather in the front yard?

I saw a Catfish with bright blue eyes...looking right at me...was that you?

Are  you in the rain that patters against the bedroom window at night?

You are everywhere and Nowhere all at the same time.

I long to hear your voice and it scares me knowing that I will never hear it again.

How can I bear this loss??? 

How long does this last...this...this yearning?

This searching...this dreaming...this wanting....

I keep looking for signs but I never find....You.

July 2023

I gave the riding lawn mower away. It hadn't worked in over two years.

I cried when the guy came to load it on to his trailer to take it home.

He texted me later to say that he had got it running again. 

Then he thanked me for the gift of the mower. 

Him and his wife are in dire straits and I felt good about giving it to them.

Next to go is the boat. Me and the kids are getting it ready to sell. 

After that is the RV or rather the Toy Hauler. I've already cleaned it out.

The Harley stays for now, but I can imagine myself selling that in a few years too.

I've already gotten it appraised but I am just not ready to sell it yet.

**********************

His birthday is coming up. I don't remember what I/we did last year.

Grief causes me to have a lot of empty memories.

This year he would have turned 60...a mile stone year for most people.

Me and our grown kids, their spouses and our 4 grandkids are planning on going 

to the Sprint car races in Wilmot Wisconsin.

It was one of our favorite things to do as a family during the summer.

It seems appropriate to celebrate his 60th even tho he is not here.

We'll all eat a brat and have a beer in his honor.

**************************

Full moons make me cry like a banshee.

This has never happened to me before. 

But since his passing I have ugly cried at each full moon.

It's weird...I feel a "pull"  but all it does is makes me cry...really hard.

*****************

I still dream about him quite often. 

I wish that I could smell him or kiss him or hold his hand.

I wish that him and I could go on a Harley ride.

I wish we could sit around a campfire and watch natures TV.

I wish I could hear his voice.

Missing him has not gotten easier...yet.

I wonder if it ever will.

April 2023

I've bawled three separate times this week.

It is 4 months into year two and I miss him like crazy.

The house has been remodeled, updated, and cleaned.

It's cute and perfect and lonely and deathly quiet.

He is not here anymore. I cannot find him anywhere.

Cardinals, Butterflies, Spring, sunsets....nowhere.

I was so sure I'd be able to see him, hear him, find him...after.

But he is nowhere to be found. It is the same with Jesus.

The silence is deafening and there is nothing I can do about it.

I watched a Cardinal jump in to a bush followed by his mate.

It made me smile for a few seconds but then...nothing.

Remember when I used to constantly look up??? to the sky?

There used to be so much beauty, so many answers, so many spiritual signs.

Now...Nothing. No more signs. There is nothing there. He is not there.

I am devastated by grief. I am devastated by Jesus' absence.

The loneliness is crushing. 

I need to sell the RV, and that, in and of itself, is painful.

Our retirement dreams are gone. My retirement dreams are gone.

We were gonna take all 4 grandkids camping with us but we never got the chance.

The Harley sits in my brother in-laws garage, undriven, unridden, idle.

How do I sell it??? Who would I sell it to??  I don't know if I can....ever.

But the RV needs to go.

The garage is full of his tools...bits and bobs are strewn about everywhere.

The fishing poles, the tackleboxes, the quarts of oil...

His workbench in the basement is just as bad,

Cluttered with so many tools and paraphernalia...

I want nothing more than to hug him and cry in to his shoulder

and ask him to please make everything alright again.

And yet I know that THAT is also impossible,

I am still slogging through this grief and not sure of where 

the end will be.

I have no more words today.