Making amends

Well, it is done. and it went very well, if I do say so myself. He was receptive of my apology and he was gracious about accepting my amends. He stated that he understood that my original intention had been an honorable one. And I made it clear to him that if the situation ever happened again, I would indeed react the same way I had the first time. This was not just me spouting off at the mouth or butting in where I did not belong. This was a protective measure that I felt was necessary to protect my grandson. He is two years old  and cannot speak for himself in order to protect himself. If a qualifier in my life is unable to act like a grown up with grown up responsibilities, then it is my duty as a Grandmother to intercede. He does indeed understand where I am coming from now. And he is aware that I will always do what is necessary to protect that grand youngin' of mine. The air has been cleared, and we both agree with and understand each other. Thank God for Alanon. Gave me the tools on how to offer an amends and how to state my case with out screaming or crying or making a bad situation worse. Feeling very blessed today. All is safe in my world at this moment. Thank you God!

Progress

Ok. Here we go... Today's lesson, class,  is learning how to make an amends. It means to apologize to someone you did wrong to and then to ask them for forgiveness. I can feel myself wanting to raise my hand to the teacher and asking..."What if I don't want to, yet?"
Nuts! No choice here but to do it. And it's a good choice really. I'm not afraid to offer this amends like I would have been in the past. I'm not stewing over it, and I can see the error of my ways, and I can see where I should have kept out of the situation and by butting in I might have made a bad situation worse. However, what's done is done and now I must repair what I have done in order to move forward. I want no more regrets hanging around my head like in the past. I want things resolved...no, I need things resolved so I don't worry and fret myself to death wondering about the what ifs. What if I had said this or what if he had only done that instead. That's the sort of shit that wrecked me in the past. The sort of shit that kept me up all night worrying and projecting all sorts of scenerios. No. Thank. You. Not any more.
Feels good to be doing the emotionally healthy thing. At least it shows that I am making some progress. I'll let you know how I feel when it's over and done with. Until then...I am whispering the Serenity Prayer along with you today.

Walking the road

What is it about Tuesday night meetings that make me feel so...I don't know...normal?? Is it because everybody at those meetings thinks like I do? They have, after all, been in my shoes so to speak. I sense no pretending, no hiding behind facades, no holier than thou type of feelings from these people. It feels like these people are from my same planet. I feel safe and at home. And I have shared things with them that I haven't shared with another living soul. I feel like I can honestly say that these are my "people". So what does that mean for the people that I love and live with? What does that mean for the members of my real life family? Are they not my "people" too?  Why do I feel like an outcast within my own family? Is it because I am the only one in recovery?? Is it because I have finally been given the tools that are helping me to live my life in a way that feels right to me? Am I changing for the better and moving to a place of serenity that they aren't aware of yet? Am I leaving them behind in the dust of my old self as I travel on to a better place? So often I wish that anyone of them was walking this road to recovery with me. Sometimes I feel so alone and wish that I had somebody with me on this journey. Someone who could walk with me on this road back to normal life (Ha...whatever that is). Oh well, for the time being, I guess I walk it alone. I do have my Tuesday night group and they are sharing part of the journey with me. And He walks with me, always. Hey! Maybe I'm not so alone after all. Maybe it's just a matter of my perspective. Today I am feeling the blessing of my Tuesday night Alanon meeting and the people in that room who are my fellow passengers on this journey. I do feel the love from my people. And I am thankful for that.

Again, and yet again

Having another set back. Just not working my program....allowing myself to feel bitter and furious. No wonder I don't feel so good today. When will I ever get it?  When will I ever be able to just  Let. It. Go.? Ugh! So tired of this. Back to step one....again. So thankful that Alanon allows me to keep trying to get it right. To go back to square one and start over again, and again, and again. God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things that I can and the wisdom to know the difference.

Incommunicado

I went to Florida last week with my entire family. Well not the entire family, but there were 21 of us together on vacation. Six of us stayed in a private condo and 14 others stayed in a house a mile down the beach. On day two of said vacation, I waded into the shallow end of the pool to play with my 2 year old grandson; who, by the way, had no fear of the water. None whatsoever. Walked right into that pool as soon as the arm floaties were on. He did the same thing to the ocean...walked right in, crashing waves be damned! Anyhoo....when I waded into the pool, I completely forgot that my cell phone was in the pocket of my swim shorts. I remembered it 10 minutes later, when someone suggested we call about dinner reservations. Needless to say I no longer can use my I-Phone. We tried the baggie full of rice trick, but I think it had been submerged for too long. The nice thing about this is that I had backed that phone up on my laptop before we left on vacation, so all my info is still available to me once I get a replacement phone. The other nice thing was that I was not tied down to that cell phone for the week that I was in Florida. No texting, no phone calls, no Facebook, no apps, nothing!! And it felt wonderful to be free of that communication device. The only thing I truly missed was access to my worship music. That would have been awesome to listen to whilst strolling along the shoreline or watching the Gulf waves crash onto the shore from our balcony. But I believe that God had a different plan for me. He was saving me from hearing about something that I was unaware was happening and that something was the discord between the other family members living together at the other vacation house a mile down the beach.  I found out after the fact that the 4 family's that were sharing that house started to snipe at each other regarding cooking, cleaning up, general housekeeping duties, wet towels on the floor, etc. By the end of the week certain family members weren't even talking to each other anymore. I am sooo grateful that I wasn't a part of that mess. And I am grateful that my phone wasn't working because I believe those other family members would have wanted to share their discord with me via my cell phone down at our end of the beach. What ended up happening was that I was kept outta their messy "business" and that kept me from putting my two cents into a situation that was none of my business. I ended up saying thank you to God for a warm and wonderful vacation and I said thank you to Him making me wade into that pool to play with my grandson and I thanked Him for my wet and ruined I-Phone. I realized then as I do now that I had been given a blessing...no laptop, no TV, no I-Phone = a great vacation!