Monday, June 18, 2012

A study in contrasts

How is it that I can have nothing to say and yet the "voices" inside my head never seem to shut the hell up?!?  Now, mind you....these are not really audible voices. I am not hearing voices per se, but I can and do keep up a constant chatter with myself inside my own head. And let's just say that I am never, ever lonely for the sound of my own voice. That is one of my biggest faults...not knowing when to be quiet. Wait...that's not true. I do know when to be quiet and how to keep quiet. What I had a problem doing was defending myself. I didn't know how to do that correctly in the past. All I knew how to do was clam up and silently fume. Living with an alcoholic rendered me mute. I lost my "voice" and the ability to defend myself. His words to me, when he was angry and drinking were like shards of glass being thrown at me. And when he was done telling me what an awful person I was, he would pass out and I was left sitting there, bleeding to death from a thousand small cuts, a thousand small cuts to my very soul, cuts invisible to the naked eye, but all too real to me.  And I would remember his ugly, ugly words for weeks and I would remember how they made me feel. And yet, I can distinctly remember letting my mouth run even though I new he had been drinking and I knew arguing with him was futile and would end up with me being verbally abused.  So when I shared last Tuesday night that living with alcoholism had rendered me mute...was that the truth? Because I don't really remember being mute, but I can distinctly remember not being able to utter a word in my own defense. I can also remember the sound of my own voice arguing with him over his alcohol consumption. So what do I do with this contradiction?? What is the truth? Was I mute? Or wasn't I? How is it possible that both answers can be true? Because that is the conclusion that I have come to. Both answers are right and both answers are true. I did learn to not open my mouth to defend myself cuz it only made matters worse for me and I did yell at him for drinking too much when he drank too much. Just goes to show you how this disease can make two sick people react and respond to each other in horrible ways. I am glad that Alanon showed me a way to a better existence whether he was drinking or not, and whether he was sober or not. (I will say that things are a lot quieter around here since he became sober. Not recovered, mind you, but him being sober is better than what he used to be. And me being in Alanon makes me better than I used to be too.) Now if I could only get these voices in my head to mute themselves. One day at a time Lolly. See the lessons and the blessings for what they are. One day at a time.

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