Wednesday, September 19, 2012

Holy Water

Whaddya do when you have no dreams? What do you do when all you want to do is cry? What happens when you finally realize that you can't fix another human being? How does a body continue to live in emotionally unsatisfactory conditions? What is wrong with a person who subjects herself to living in an unhappy home? Why does wanting to leave feel just as sad as wanting to stay? What happens to 30 years of married life? Where do you store a lifetime of memories? How do you pack them away? How do you get the scent of him out of your nose? This is not what I wanted this post to be about. But I am processing something here today. I am married to an unhappy, miserable, resentful man. He is very dry. Spent not one day in recovery. And I wanted it so bad for him and for us. I had visions of us sharing the road of recovery, the road back to normal life together. Ya know what I mean? His meeting, my meeting, maybe a shared open meeting. Working out the kinks of our ruined life and putting it back together in a wonderfully healthy fashion. Learning to forgive each other and moving on to a place of peace and serenity. Of living the next 30 years of our lives together smiling and happy just to be near each other. Today I realize that that is not going to happen. Never was. My program is mine. It's not for sharing with him. I need to fix and forgive me first.  But I gotta tell ya, it's pretty horrible watching a man go down in flames.... especially when he has lit that fire himself. And my codependant self wants to fix him so badly! He is so full of rage and self pity, martyrdom and sadness. He has no idea of the help that awaits him in the rooms of AA. I wish that I could tell him how wonderful it is to be accepted by others, others who are going thru the same thing. What a gift it is to be able to trust complete strangers with your darkest fears and secrets. To be able to share your pain, their pain, and to be able to help each other heal. To be in a room full of strangers and not ever feel alone or lonely. To know that help and understanding are just a phone call away. Sigh..... I am tired of watching him be miserable. I am tired of his angry, resentful tirades. I am tired of his preoccupation with himself. I'm tired. And sad. Is this the for better or worse part? Is this the in sickness and in health part? What if, after 30 years, you realize that you have to get out in order to save your sanity? To save your own sense of self? What if you also realize that you no longer have any personal friends that you can talk to because all you ever talked about to them was him and his issues? What if you are no longer employed and need, right now, to become employed? How do you ever earn enough to be able to support yourself? Scary, scary stuff. But I am more scared to stay where I am and do nothing. Something needs to change. Him? Me? My address? Today I am giving all of this and all of my fears to my HP, to God. Surely if I give it up to God, His blessings will rain down onto me. Thank you Lord for the gift of tears. They are indeed your holy water. They heal me as they flow.

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