Thursday, September 6, 2012

I can hear clearly now....

I'm just getting over a cold and my ears feel stuffed full of cotton wool. Whenever I get a cold, it goes directly into my ears. I can no longer hear out of my left one.  And don't ask me why, but whenever my hearing starts to go, I get real cranky. I wonder how deaf people do it. I get so aggravated and crabby when I am struggling to hear what people are saying to me. Tuesday morning I was on my cell phone talking with my sister-in-law/best friend while she was driving to work and she must have been going thru an area with no cell towers because her voice kept going in and out. I found myself saying to her repeatedly Huh? What? What did you say? Anyway this was really starting to make me angry, not at her specifically, but it was so frustrating that I could not hear her. So while I am struggling to hear her, my grown son comes up to me and starts talking to me at the same time as her cell phone is cutting in and out. So I asked her to hold on a minute,but because the connection was bad, she couldn't hear me. So I asked her again to wait a minute, to hold on a minute, but again she couldn't hear me. Meanwhile, my son is still talking to me. I couldn't make out what either one of them was actually saying to me and they both kept talking at the same time. And I snapped. What I ended up doing was screaming  SHUT UP in her ear, when all I really was trying to do was yell at my son to shut up for a minute. It came out all wrong. I could hear the echo of my voice in my head, I could hear how mean and angry I sounded as I screamed shut up into the phone. It bothered me for the rest of the day. Fast forward a couple of hours and my grandson is now at my house. He is cranky, and needs a nap and he isn't listening to his Granny. He is 2 years old. I could feel myself getting all clenched up inside. I was still feeling bad about yelling at my sister-in-law/best friend (can you say guilt) and now my grandson is crying and cranky and acting like a 2 year old who needs a nap. I can feel myself clenching my teeth. I can feel myself getting aggravated.... at a 2 year old boy yet! Because he didn't nap, I was unable to get dinner started. So when my son is ready to leave for work at 5:00, there is nothing to eat. And when my husband comes home from work at 5:15, again there is nothing to eat. So I quickly try to rectify this situation, throw stuff together for the both of them, while "Bampa" plays with the grandson. I'm feeling guilty all day for screaming at my sister-in-law/best friend, and I feel guilty for wanting the grandson to be quiet and take a nap, and I feel guilty for not being able to cook dinner for my son and husband. So I think to myself that I will skip my Tuesday night meeting and stay home and try to get some stuff done, that I couldn't get to earlier in the day. It took me about an hour to realize that I had made a mistake and that I really wanted to go to my meeting, that I felt like I needed to go to my meeting. In my car on my way there, I could feel myself starting to unwind. I could feel myself unclenching my hands and jaw. And I'm not in that meeting for 5 minutes when I realize that the topic for tonight is on detachment. Wow! What a perfect topic for me for today. I love when that happens!! A meeting where I hear just what I needed to hear.  I get to hear 15 different women commenting on how and why they detach. And I get to learn, again, how to let go of guilt and aggravation. Talk about lessons and blessings! I love this program!

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