This Saturday I will turn 50 years old. Yikes! 50!!! That sounds like such an old number. In my head I picture 50 year olds to have gray hair (um, whoops! I've got a few of those, but only a few), to sort of "act" old....you know, like wanting to stay home all the time watching reruns on TV (.....uh-oh!) and many 50 year olds have arthritis and old creaky bones (well for heavens sake...who doesn't have creaky knees?) I don't know why, but turning 40 bothered me alot more than turning 50. I cried when the Hubs threw me a surprise party for my 40th. I asked him why would he do that to me?! I even hid in my bedroom for a while, trying to get up the nerve to face all of those people who had been invited to help me celebrate. I hate surprises. Surprise parties, baby showers, unexpected Christmas presents...I hate being surprised. Wonder why this is? Me too. Must have something to do with thinking that I am in control of myself and my surroundings. At the wonderful menopausey age of 50, I don't feel like I want to control everything anymore. I feel so much more relaxed in my skin (a little too much skin, if you catch my drift. I still dislike my weight). But I feel like I can relax a bit more. I don't feel like I need to keep such a tight grasp on people, places or things anymore. I like myself a lot more too. I am learning to forgive myself for all of the crap that has happened in my life that I thought was (or wasn't) my fault. I am a child of God and I believe that I have been redeemed. It's hard sometimes to remember that I am redeemable, that God can and will and does forgive me for my faults. I think that I am harder on myself than anybody else. I forgive my children anything, and the grandson...pffft! He has no faults :)
I am learning, albeit at a slower pace to forgive my Hubs for his faults. I know that he is not a happy man. I want so much for him in life tho. I want him to feel better, physically and mentally, spiritually and emotionally. I want him to take better care of himself. I want him to eat better. I want him to not take life so seriously...to learn to go with the flow, to maybe even unclench his grasp on the things that are weighing him down. I want him to stop looking for someone to blame when things go awry. I want him to love God like I love God. I just want him happy, dammit! Is that too much to ask? Maybe. Maybe it is. All I really have control over is making sure that I am happy. That I am ok with myself and my God and my faults. I am still a work in progress. And I am still alive and kicking at 50 years of age. I am looking forward to a fun filled weekend. Dinner out with my sister and her husband on Friday night, then a bonfire and a cook-out with family and friends for my 50th on Saturday, then a motorcycle ride to Wisconsin on Sunday. Hopefully there will be no surprises. Grateful for life and love and kids and grandkids.....blessed to be turning 50 this weekend. Many are denied the privilege (miss you Von)!