Monday, November 26, 2012

Thankful anyway

I believe Ann Voskamp said it.....
"You only know how to give thanks always when you know how to give thanks, anyway".  

Holidays make the Hubs crazy. My guess is that it brings back too many memories for him of what it was like growing up in that crazy atmosphere. Celebrating any holiday, really, makes him edgy and well, sometimes just plain mean. He shuts down and becomes reclusive. Thanksgiving at my sister's house finds him sitting alone in the living room while the rest of us are in the dining room and or kitchen. Sometimes he "hides" in plain sight...standing outside using his I-phone or sitting in her garage smoking cigarettes or reading a magazine or a newspaper that he has brought along. Yes. He brings along something to read or otherwise occupy himself when we go to family parties. That way he can maintain the distance he feels he needs to keep people from getting too close to him. So he can say " See?? No one talks to me. I am always alone at your family's parties. No one cares about me". This used to bother me in past years. Pretty much had myself jumping thru hoops back then trying to insure that he had a nice holiday. Running around like crazy, trying to make everything perfect so he would be happy and not drink but it always ended up with both of us being miserable. Me because I was emotionally exhausted from trying to please a man who was unpleasable. Him because he was just plain miserable without a drink in his hand so he would invent reasons to make his drinking necessary. I would say to him  "Hon, foods done, come and get a plate. Whatcha doin' out here by yourself? Don't you want to watch football with the other guys? Can I get you anything? You feeling ok? Did you eat yet? Whaddya mean did I save you any potatoes? Why didn't you get a plate of food when I told you to? Do you wanna go home?" 

Ugh!!! All those years of trying to read his mind and  anticipate what he wanted or needed when all he wanted was to feel sorry himself. When all he really wanted was a damn drink. He would cause just enough of a rift between us with his attitude or his nasty comments that he would have his drink and have an excuse and a reason and a person to blame it on, so that when his drink became drinks and he became drunk it was never his fault. Does that make any sense to you ??  It does to me. And it makes me cringe thinking back on all those years of being so miserable and not knowing what was wrong with him or me or how to fix it or us. Thank God for Alanon. Saved me from myself if nothing else. Saved me from wearing myself out trying to please him when in truth nothing was going to do that. So these past 2 Thanksgivings have been pretty good for me at least. I'm not sure if he has had a good time or not. I know that I did and in the end that 's all I can ask for. I am responsible for my happiness and I am not at fault or going to take the blame if he is still unhappy or feeling reclusive at our family gatherings. I am thankful for him and my family and our kids and grand kids and for being healthy and having a home and a car and groceries.....etc. I have learned to be thankful anyways, no matter what's happening in our lives. 
Christmas will be here before we know it and I have been bitten by the Christmas spirit. So I'm off to get my house decorated. I'll check back in later. Thanks for reading.

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