Friday, November 2, 2012
When the words won't come
What do you do when the words won't come? How do you pray for people in the midst of a storm when you've never been through that kind of a storm before? What do you pray for when you hear of the horrific things that have happened to people in the middle of that storm? Are my words, thoughts and prayers enough? Is anything I ever pray for really going to be enough of a balm to someone else's injured spirit? Can I really pray long enough and hard enough to ease someone's sorrow?? This morning I heard on the news that 2 small children, ages 2 and 4, had died during Hurricane Sandy. Their mother had been driving with them in the family minivan through flooded streets when the van stalled. As she exited the car both boys were swept out of her arms by rushing flood water. I cannot imagine her horror. I cannot wrap my brain around the enormity of what that did to her. I can imagine the keening howl of a mother, and I can imagine that that keening howl would have rivaled the howling sound of a hurricanes wind. I usually don't watch the news so I have to wonder what it is that God wants me to learn from this, since He showed me this and since today is one of the few days that I did turn the news on. What's the lesson? What is He trying to show me? What does He want me to use this for?? Why show me something so gut wrenching?? I have buried a child. I know how that part feels. I know how it feels to have those dreams about what she would have been like as an adult, or who she would have looked like, Mom or Dad? or what her first word might have been. My child never looked at me or her Daddy. Never uttered a sound or got to cry for her Mama because she was scared or tired or hungry or lonely. She never got to walk or have a first tooth or even take her first breath. But my child wasn't washed away in flood waters. My full term child died 12 hours before she was born. My child died in her own amniotic waters. So what is the question that He is trying to get me to think about? Is the question which situation is worse?? A child dying before they were born or a child dying before their 5th birthday? Is it worse never knowing the color of their eyes or the sound of their voice or the smell of their hair ? Or perhaps it would be worse not being able to forget the color of their eyes or hearing their voice or smelling their hair? I only lost one child. She lost two. At the same time. Neither one of us had a choice in the matter. And I can tell you that in my case, praying did nothing to rid me of my anguish. I begged. I pleaded, I keened. Maybe there is no comparison. Maybe I should just pray for that Mama. But the words won't come. And all I want to do is cry. For her. For her and her unbearable loss. Lord....please........Give me the words.