School's out for Summer

It surprises me how quickly it came back.
The roaring heat of Summer. (it is only June 8th)
How it makes me so damn irritated.
Simply put I cannot stand to feel warm anymore.
Blow drying my hair makes me sweaty and uncomfortable.
I'm a millisecond away from grabbing the dog shears
and getting rid of these offending locks for good!

I find myself snapping at the grand kids who won't stop arguing!!.
We're all bored and school has been out for precisely 5 days.
They agree on nothing.
Let's take a walk...No! says one.  Let's ride bikes...No! says the other.
They can't agree on a DVD selection either.
Much howling ensues when I try to reason with them that next time they can pick first.

We took two "field trips" last week to Aldi and Walmart.
Why I thought that would be a good idea is beyond me.
They begged for every sweet thing they saw saying -pleasepleasepleasepleaseplease?????
Candy, cookies, fruit snacks, Poptarts, chocolate chip granola bars, cereal with marshmallows, a bag of brown sugar....
That'd be like feeding them rocket fuel...I hurry past that first aisle.
They squabble and fight and torment each other through the rest of the store.
I alternate between cold silent indifference and sweaty angry yelling.

But Hey! What's this???
Could it be that I'm not alone in this Summertime squabbling thing?!?
In Aldi I spot another overwrought mother trying to corral her two young boys.
She is threatening them to keep quiet and to keep their hands to themselves.
Stop fighting she says to them. Get away from that she hollers.
Behave PLEASE she begs them.
Meanwhile my two grand kids are on the dirty floor wrastling with each other like two angry cats.

I touch her on the arm and tell her she's not alone and thanks for making me feel more normal.
She tells me she left two of her four kids at home and that she is scared cuz it's day two of their Summer vacation and she's already lost the battle.

Onto the library we go because of course...why not?!
They split up and run in opposite directions as soon as we get in the door.
I chase my granddaughter first mainly because she is three years old.
He, at six, is more familiar with his surroundings, so I'll get him after I catch her.
Listen we need to stay together, I tell them. We can get books and DVD's and play with legos and trains and ginormous building blocks but we need to stay together!
Soon he sees a friend from school, then another and yet another.
The library is full of children signing up for the Summer reading program.
As we wait our turn in line to do the same, I see one of my grandsons friends
being pulled over to the side of the room by her aggravated mother who starts talking through her gritted teeth non too quietly telling Lindsey to behave or they are going home.
Alex's mother then approaches us to lament that it took them two and a half ours to get dressed and out of the house this morning.
I commiserate with her and tell her of our grocery shopping expedition this morning.

Most days I let myself become defeated with what I feel are my failures at raising this second generation of children. I cannot seem to stop yelling. It feels so much harder and I'm not sure why.
I've done this before, I tell myself. So what is the problem??
They are sweet, wonderful, adorable, regular children.
Why can I not just enjoy them?
Why must they aggravate the hell out of each other??
It feels like so much work on this second week of Summer vacation.
When they get along and play nicely together it works.
It's the fighting and crying that keeps throwing me over the edge.

Whether it's mine or theirs I'm not quite sure yet... haha

Let Me Live Grace-fully 
Thank you, Lord, 
for this season 
of sun and slow motion 
 of games and porch sitting, 
 of picnics and light green fireflies 
 on heavy purple evenings; 
 and praise for slight breezes. 
It’s good, God, 
as the first long days of your creation. 
Let this season be for me 
 a time of gathering together the pieces 
 into which my busyness has broken me. 
O God, enable me now 
 to grow wise through reflection, 
 peaceful through the song of the cricket, 
 recreated through the laughter of play. 
Most of all, Lord, 
let me live easily and grace-fully for a spell, 
 so that I may see other souls deeply, 
 share in silence unhurried, 
 listen to the sound of sunlight and shadows, 
 explore barefoot the land of forgotten dreams and shy hopes, 
and find the right words to tell another who I am. 
A Summer Prayer by Ted Loder in his book of prayers, "Guerrillas of Grace/Prayers for the Battle"





Here's hoping that my next post will not be about my fighting grandchildren.
(I need to find something else to blog about!)

Time flies by

Has it really been a month since I last posted??
Time is flying by in my world.
My grandson has 7 days left of Kindergarten.
That went by way too fast.
My husband left for his annual fishing trip 5 days ago.
He'll be back tomorrow....that also went by too fast, for both of us.
He'd like to stay up there in his Northwoods for a few more days,
And I have been enjoying having the bed all to myself.

This time last year I posted when he left for his trip but it was a much different story.
Last year he left full of anger and stress and anxiety which manifests itself in meanness.
I was glad to see him go.
This year, a week before his trip, I told him that his mania in regards to gearing up for these trips is painful and hurtful to me.
That HE is hurtful and mean to me when he's stressed out and frustrated.
I asked him if he could find another way to get his boat and gear prepped and packed without wrecking me in the process.
I reminded him of the slamming of the door in my face from last year.
He replied  "That was two years ago."
I replied  "No...That was last year."
"Oh"  was all he said.

(Now I feel I must tell you that right at that very moment, that moment when he said it was two years ago, my brain started to smoke. I felt righteous anger and I felt my innards wanting to start on fire. I swear I felt my brain burst into flame. Let me tell you why.  Normally when he's frustrated and rushing and in a manic and a panic trying to get things done he becomes short tempered and snarky and forgetful. I know this about him. It's the way he is. But what he did last year was cruel and unusually mean. I thought it was something he didn't remember doing during a manic episode.
But for him to remember and never attempt to apologize....boy let me tell you. I was stunned.)

Anyway...A week before his trip he started getting things ready.
He packed a little bit of his gear each night. Shopped for supplies one night, rolled and cut rope the next. The night after that he packed his duffel bags, then started loading everything into the car.
Got the boat and the car all gassed up the night before he left.
So on the day of his departure all he had to do was shower, grab his coffee and go.

He left at 7:00am instead of the ungodly hour of 4:00am and I cried as he pulled away.
But this time I wasn't crying because he had hurt me.
This time I was crying because he was going to be gone for 6 days and I was gonna miss him.

Well the six days flew by. I can't believe he's already on his way home!
I worked in my garden a lot while he was gone. Got the patio all ready for Summer. Cleaned out the screened porch. Did 5 loads of laundry on Monday. Went to a memorial service for a friend on Sunday. Attended my second cousins baby shower on Saturday. Went to dinner with my sister on Friday. Went to the local high school on Thursday night and witnessed my niece accept her scholarship to college. Whew! It feels like I've been busy.
Which is a good thing.
It made the time fly by quicker.

I'm so glad that he used my suggestions about packing for this trip.
I'm happy thinking about him coming home instead of the dread I faced last year.

Communication works...Who knew?!?

Duck season

There are times when I have absolutely nothing to say.
Nothing to write about. Nothing I want to share.
I sit in front of my laptop and I hear a humming....a buzzing.
I'm not entirely sure that humming and buzzing isn't coming from inside my head.
The cursor blinks at me. I blink back.
Hum...buzz....

Friends invited us out last night for a free prime rib dinner.
Told us it was a 30th anniversary/raffle type of affair for some company they are familiar with.
It ended up being a banquet room full of duck hunters.
Their were a few wives present but mostly it was paunchy middle-aged and older gentlemen.
Some sporting baseball hats, others dressed in camouflage with beards, loud talkers all of them.
The kind of affair where the booze flows and the stories get told and retold and the laughter feels forced as do the smiles pasted on the faces of the listeners.

The night starts with everyone walking past tables full of items
(in this case duck hunting items)
to be raffled off or purchased at the auction being held after dinner.
I was done perusing those tables in about 60 seconds flat.
Duck decoys, hip wader bags, beer steins, a thermos that resembled a shot gun shell, camo lawn chairs, artwork depicting Labrador's holding retrieved ducks in their jaws.
My husband lingered over the merchandise longer than I did.
He likes to think of himself as a hunter, though truth be told he's never shot anything yet and when the day comes that he does, I hope he cries and cries and cries and never kills another living creature again.
We are on opposite sides of the fence when it comes to guns and hunting.
I realize that the Prime Rib I ate came from an animal.
I realize that an animal had to die so I could be fed at this banquet.
I just don't want to be the one that shoots it.
And I don't want him to shoot it either.
Would it matter if he was out hunting cows? I don't know.
But he doesn't hunt to put meat on our table, and that makes all the difference to me.
I'm not going to debate the topic with you, this is my personal opinion, that's all.
Moving on...

The four of us sit at a table with 2 other people whom we do not know.
Turns out he is one of the auctioneers and she is his girlfriend.
They appear to be well into their forty's.
Why is that detail important?? I don't know.
He leaves her alone most of the evening and so we (and by we I mean the people I am with) are left with the unenviable task of small talk.
Which puts me in a cold sweat. Small talk?! Fucking small talk...are you kidding me??
Hmmm....buzzzz....
I'm way out of my comfort zone and I know it.

She's "so excited, and can't wait for this shindig to start," she tells us. "Woot!"

 Humm...buzzz...blink.

"Woo-hoo!" she says aloud. "I can't wait for duck hunting season."

As ya'll know, I cannot for the life of me figure out how to talk to strangers.
I either stutter or stammer or blurt out huge family secrets.
I end up embarrassing myself 10 times out of 10.
My best defense is to keep my head down and my eyes averted.
Which I'm sure doesn't come across as rude at all.....

She ends up winning 3 separate raffle prizes during the course of the evening.
Each time her winning numbers are called she raises her arms over her head and hollers  "Woot!! That's me!!"
She giggles and laughs her way through the evening sitting with four complete strangers. How do people do this I wonder??

She must be an extrovert I think to myself. She has no problem talking to us or talking period for that matter.
She carries the conversation by herself for most of the evening.
I can't decide if I'm jealous or repulsed.
She laughs at her own jokes and shows no remorse or embarrassment when we four don't respond.
She's sucking down her Vodka Tonics as she snaps her gum.
Her jeans are too tight and her bosom is straining her too tight shirt.
But she's having the time of her life at this thing. Extroverted or just plain happy?

Her boyfriend comes back to the table during dessert and the two of them giggle and flirt over the vanilla ice cream topped with raspberry sauce.
If they're like this during duck season, what happens during rabbit season?? lol

But they do make me think....
.....when was the last time my husband and I giggled and flirted over dessert??

Praying and longing for more

So I wrote this post a while back.
The woman I mentioned who wanted grandchildren will finally get her wish this weekend.
Her 39 year old daughter is due to give birth on Saturday. It is a boy.
Unfortunately this woman who wanted grandchildren so badly just died on Monday after a two week battle with pneumonia. She was 69 years old.
I cannot imagine what her daughter must be going through.
I am heartbroken as is everyone else.

Sometimes God does this shit and we don't know why.
It's times like these that I question Him.
Not really question, more like want to ask-   "What the hell God?"

My friend Amy who has colon cancer just got awful news too.
Her cancer has spread to her lungs and liver.
She is 45 years old. She too wanted grandkids some day. But she has two teenagers at home.
There will be no chance for grandkids for her.
I am heartbroken as is everyone else.

We have all been so hopeful and praying so hard.
Did our prayers go unanswered? Was God not listening?
Does He not see or care about our broken hearts?
Why do these bad things happen to good people?

Today I have no answers. I'm saddened by all this.
It's a shit day with shitty weather and even shittier news.

I've looked but cannot find a prayer or a quote that will address the absolute madness of these two situations.
Today I am shaking my fist at God.
I want Him to know that He is breaking hearts all over the place.
I want Him to know that I am displeased.
And I want Him to stop it.
To just stop.
Stop.

Spring... but not quite yet

Like this past October which threw a hissy fit of rain and wind as it left to make room for November,

Spring has been pitching a tantrum and fighting with Winter for control since March 20th.

Two days ago it snowed so hard that I couldn't see across the street.

A mere 5 minutes later it was clear and sunny. 5 minutes later snow again. 

It went on and off like this all day long.

That's not fog by the way. That's snow.

Today the kids go back to school after being off for Spring Break.

And it's supposed to snow again this afternoon. And tomorrow. 

And maybe again on Thursday.

Both kids have had Pneumonia this Spring.

My 6 year old grandson got diagnosed with it first, a week before Spring Break even started.

My 3 year old granddaughter got it on the last Friday of Spring Break.

Both got chest x-rays, both got antibiotics, both got worse before they got better.

I'm exhausted just from listening to them cough.

I'm also thrilled that they are now on the road to recovery. 

I am so grateful they got well. I realize some children don't.

We didn't go anywhere for Spring Break (Obviously not with 2 sick kids)

I think maybe we should have taken them to the beach though.

I think a little time spent by the ocean in that salty sea air with all that warm sun and sand might have cured them a little bit faster. I know it would have fixed me right up.

My daughters test results came back negative for Ovarian cancer. 

What she has is a Chocolate Ovary...a mass consisting of a cyst and all sorts of other nastiness all glued together with endometriosis. She definitely needs a D&C and pending the pathology of that procedure she may or may not need to have a hysterectomy. She is 32 years old.

I'm super grateful that it was not cancer. 

I have to tell you that it was scary waiting for those results. 

I tried to put it out of my mind but the what ifs would occasionally make themselves known and I would retreat to prayer (ie: begging and pleading with God) to help ease my worry.

I don't know if the begging and pleading worked or if the God that I know and love took pity on me but I always felt better afterwards.

And then the results of her testing were answers to our prayers so a big shout out to my God for favors granted! Thank You Jesus! Amen.

Listen... I pray for my grandkids to get well and they do. But I need to pray for the parents of the little children that sometimes don't recover and get well.

I pray for my daughter to have favorable test results (Please God! Not cancer!!) and we get the results we were praying for. But I also know of a young woman, 28 yrs old, who died from Ovarian cancer leaving behind 2 young sons and a devastated husband that maybe I should be praying for.

I pray for an end to this stubborn Winter and Spring makes herself known by sprouting buds on trees and bringing back the birds and flowers and the occasional warm sunny day. Followed by snow.

I'm pretty sure that I had nothing to do with that. It's God. Always God. His timing. His way.

How about you? Do you feel like God answers your prayers? Do you feel like God is even listening?

A Gray Jay

I've written a gratitude list since 2011.
Every single day, 365 days a year, I write down 3 things that I am grateful for.
I learned it from Ann Voskamp through her book titled 1000 Gifts.
So this morning when I went to write down something that my oldest grand boy had said I couldn't remember what it was. Total blank.
While giving myself time to remember what it was exactly that I wanted to remember I got out my devotional books to do my daily readings.

The first book was Daily Guideposts 2016.
Yeah yeah, I know. Only gray haired Lutheran women subscribe to that publication.
But I like reading it. And besides I do have a few gray hairs and I am a Lutheran. :)

The writer for this days reading was Carol Knapp.
She described an encounter with a Chickadee on Easter morning. She goes on to say that this Chickadee was doing it's usual thing by singing "He-who" when all of a sudden he lands on her foot and hops it's way up her leg, to her torso and then finally coming to rest on her head.
And then she connects it to a Bible passage-

25 ..... “I am the resurrection and the life; he who believes in Me will live even if he dies, 26 and everyone who lives and believes in Me will never die. Do you believe this?”   John 11:25-26New American Standard Bible (NASB)

She caught the reference of "He who believes in Me" and matched it up to what that little bird  was singing ....He-who....He-who.

I don't believe that I will ever be able to listen to the sound of that bird again without thinking of her Bible passage reference. She floored me with that! I was awed and stunned. Wow.

For further study she suggests reading the following passage-

21 Now when all the people were baptized, Jesus was also baptized, and while He was praying, heaven was opened, 22 and the Holy Spirit descended upon Him in bodily form like a dove, and a voice came out of heaven, “You are My beloved Son, in You I am well-pleased.”Luke 3:21-2(NASB)

And Whamo! There it is! That's what I wanted to remember for my gratitude list. The dove.

My grandson saw a dove in our backyard for the first time yesterday. 

He didn't know what kind of bird it was so he asked me- "Granny? Is that a Gray Jay?"

Isn't that one of the cutest things you've ever heard?

No? Oh well. I thought it was just precious. Perfect and cute enough to make my gratitude list.

A Gray Jay. It still  makes me giggle.

But what I loved most of all was how God had a hand in helping me to remember what it was that I was trying to remember....a gray dove. 

I love it when God shows up like that in my life.

Most days God shows up at about 5:15 when the kids have gone home and I've had a glass of wine.

That's not me being sacrilegious either. That's the honest to god truth.

Once the grandkids are gone, I can sit back and reflect on my day.

I think back on where I saw God in my day and where I think I didn't see Him.

I think back on my attitude and my words I've used and how the day might have been a bit better had Granny not yelled quite so much.

It's when I ask for His forgiveness then accept His grace because I know I'll be given another chance to make it right again tomorrow. And the day after that. And the day after that.

The grandkids leave and have no idea that I rehash in my mind my day with them. 

No idea that I feel bad for yelling or that a 6 year old boys decription of a bird has rendered me speechless or that I ask God for his forgiveness for being snippy.

That's between me and God and a Gray Jay in the backyard.

Thanks for reading.

Love, Lolly

My madcap March re-cap

Hello!

Remember me? It's been a busy month to say the least.

Not really fun busy, more like I CANT TAKE ONE MORE PIECE OF BAD NEWS busy.

My daughter has been prescribed Progesterone to help her keep this pregnancy. 

It's not like she is having a miscarriage; she just needs a boost of progesterone to prevent one. She feels crampy and nauseated and exhausted.

My other daughter has a complex cyst on one ovary and a simple cyst on the other.

She has extensive endometriosis and adenomyosis in her pelvic cavity and also she has an elevated CA125 blood test result.

If you are unaware what a CA125 blood test is for it is an ovarian cancer marker.

She is scheduled for a D&C and an oopherectomy (ovary removal) on Wednesday.
I.Will. Not. Freak. Out. I. Will. NOT. Worry. I. Will. Give. It. To. God. Amen.

My 6 year old grandson is recovering from a bout of Pneumonia. Pneumonia!!!

He's been sick for two weeks now along with his 3 yr old sister who developed an ear infection.
She lays like a limp rag on my couch with a high fever off and on for 8 days.

The fevers, snotty noses, and coughing, coughing, coughing, coughing of these two. ...it's making me a little bit crazed.

We've lost an hour of sleep due to Daylight Savings Time. 

I may never recover. 

I am so tired.

On Good Friday me and the grandkids were driving home from my pregnant daughters house.

Half way home my grandson says "Granny, I have a bad headache."

"Ok, Bud" I tell him. "Let's stop by Momma's work on the way home."

2 minutes later he's complaining of  his headache becoming real bad.

2 minutes after that he yells out " Granny it hurts so bad right now, I can hardly stand it!"

"Ok baby", I tell him. "I can see Momma's office right down the road. We're almost there!"

He starts writhing and twisting and thrashing in his car seat..."Ooooh Granny" he wails.

"Hang on Sweetie, we're almost there ok?" And he mumbles something incoherent.

"Granny can't hear you Sweetie...What did you say?"  Incoherent groaning follows.

And then he starts puking. And puking. And puking. In my car. In his carseat. On himself.

It hits the door and the floor and it covers his coat, his blankie and his stuffed lovie.

I cannot believe he has thrown up so much. I haven't been able to get either one of them to eat more than a few crackers over the last week and a half!

I am frantic at this point. My car is quickly becoming a noxious environment. 

Both kids are crying. 

I'm scared out of my ever loving mind because this grand boy of mine has just exhibited what I believe are brain tumor symptoms. Or a brain bleed of some sort. Maybe a stroke??

I call his Momma on my cell from the parking lot and yell at her to come out and help me!

We clean him up, change his clothes, and pack every soiled thing into a large garbage bag and put him in the front seat of my car where he calmly says to both of us-

"Can we go to McDonald's, Pleeeaaase?"

Uh....What?!??

"My headache is all gone. I want a Happy meal. Please Granny?"

I am stunned to say the least. Dumbstruck. What has just happened here?

What in the name of all that is holy has just happened here???

His mother and I exchange glances, shrug our shoulders and figure it can't hurt.

He is fine. Perfectly fine after all of this.

He is still coughing but has no headache. He eats every bit of that god-awful Happy Meal. The chicken, the fries, the apples.

He goes home with his Momma at the usual time and eats Pizza for dinner.

He plays with his sister and goes to bed and then wakes up the next morning feeling fine.

Meanwhile I can't get the memory of what happened out of my head. 

My husband and I scrub the carseat and the backseat and the carpet on the floor.

I call my daughter and ask her repeatedly to check on him.

"Mom!!" she says, "He is fine. Playing and acting fine."

Well all right then. Guess I need to say Thank You Jesus and move on.

This last week of March is Spring Break for my grandson. We have no plans, Thank God!

I think we all just need to recoup from sickness and worry and stress.

Already today I have yelled and threatened and hollered for them to pick up their toys and stop fighting and eat lunch and stop hitting each other!!

Today I'm grateful for the beautiful noise of these two. 

The messy, smelly, fighting, crying noise of grandchildren.

(Remind me I said this when this week is over. Is it really only Monday!?)

Gotta go! Grandkids are healthy again. And feeling just fine.

I'm grateful. So very grateful.