Slogan it out

So, what do you do when the slogans don't work? Easy Does It What do you do when you have no control over the family situation in front of you, when nothing you do or say is going to change the outcome? How Important Is It? What happens when one chooses not to use a slogan as a guide?   Fake It 'Till You Make It! I'll tell you what one does, you pray....hard...really hard. First Things First And you find a way, any way to shut off the voices of doom in your head. One Day At A Time  I had to have my spouse take me out for a ride on our Harley on Saturday. Live And Let Live Staring at nothing but cornfields and black asphalt some how did the trick of quieting my mind, at least for the two hours that we were out. Listen And Learn Once we were back at home though, the haunting what-ifs, what-could-possiblies came right back. Is it worth my Serenity  I am not able to Let go and Let God in this family situation and it bothers me. Let Go And Let God I feel helpless and afraid and nearly out of my mind with concern. Think! I'm not really praying either, it's more like I'm begging.  Keep An Open Mind Please, please, please let everything turn out all right, please, don't let anything bad happen, please!  Just for today I just feel so helpless and afraid, and so out of control that even prayer doesn't seem to be helping me but that is probably cuz I'm not letting God do His thing. Let It Begin With Me I am trying to control the outcome of this situation just by wishing it to end my way...by begging for it to turn out the way I need it to turn out, the way it HAS to turn out in order for me to be able to function and cope. But For The Grace Of God go I I am exhausted already, worn out and frazzled and nothing bad has even happened (dare I say yet???). Get busy and get better Maybe I had better go back and give those slogans one more try. Keep Coming Back Hmmmm....Let's see....which one will save me this time? Keep It Simple
Easy Does It ~ Keep It Simple ~ How Important Is It? ~ First Things First ~ Live And Let Live ~ One Day At A Time ~ Let Go And Let God ~ But For The Grace Of God go I ~ Think! ~  Listen And Learn ~ Keep An Open Mind ~ Let It Begin With Me ~ Keep Coming Back ~ Fake It 'Till You Make It!  ~ Is it worth my Serenity  ~ Get busy and get better ~ Just for today 
(Well, they don't all work exactly like I would like them too, but Hey! Close enough.)

When the moon is in the 7th house..........

I follow quite a few blogs. Most of the bloggers that I follow don't post something everyday. I wish that I could. I want to; I mean to but I have since realized that this is exceptionally hard to do. One point being that I am not a good enough writer. I have all of these thoughts inside my head that sound sooo amazing, but once typed out seem rather trivial and well....quite frankly, boring. It takes me a while to put my thoughts down in a way that sounds interesting to me (and to others, I hope). I suppose it's a validation sort of thing. Wanting to feel like I matter, wanting what I post to matter, to be able to reach out and to connect to someone else with my writing. Last week, two of the daily devotion books that I read and two of the blogs that I read had similar topics posted on the same day. I read Angie Smith's Bring the rain first. Her post titled The Table blew me away. By the end of it, I could feel myself wanting to cry. She writes so beautifully and her words about family and God can really penetrate my heart. The second blog I read that day was Islands of my soul. This is a relatively new blog as indicated by the authors posts,  blogging only since June and July 2012. On the same day that I read Angie's post about the family table, I read all of Shari's posts  over at Islands. Some of them were so similar to what I have been going through, or living with, that for the second time that day I was brought close to tears. It felt like my heart had cracked wide open.  I felt understood and loved and forgiven and so many more emotions. It was hard to name them all. It was as if God had somehow transpired to have all of my readings merge together to give me one, big, huge, WOW moment. Well that is indeed what happened. WOW! Was it just a coincidence? I think not. Not with that many authors and similar topics coming together all at the same time. I truly believe that God wanted to show me that he is always near me and watching out for me. That he hears me and knows me and knows what it is that I need to read or hear or learn for that day.  It's like that song by the 5th Dimension.....All of the planets and all of my daily readings had somehow lined up just to show me that I was loved and understood and to give me a feeling of peace. It made me feel grateful for everything that I have. For the gift of today, for being alive, for sunshine, for family, for food, for faith, for friends......my list can and should be endless. Feeling mighty blessed today. 

Perceptions

My best friend and I married brothers. She is more like a sister to me than a sister-in-law. I can and do tell her everything. She is my sounding board, my mood lifter, the keeper of my secrets. And she knows my struggle over this weight issue that I have. She knows about the voices I have in my head that tell me that I am not good enough or that I am a failure because I am 30 pounds overweight. She knows the person that  I keep comparing myself to (Gosh! I wish that my body still looked like hers) and she tries to help me let go of the shame I feel. I badger her about this constantly!! I wonder why she doesn't tell me to shut the hell up! I am hardest on myself and I know this. What a whiny baby I must be to bitch and moan and complain about me, me, me all the time. Why can't I give this up??? Why do I need affirmation that I am ok, that I look fine, that the weight gain is more noticeable to me than to others? How vain can a person be??? This vain.....I found a dress for my daughters wedding. Size 12. But when I put it on.... BAM!! I looked like a million bucks. Very figure flattering; hugged me right in all the right places. Not too tight, black with a lacy black bodice...it is gorgeous! And it only cost me $45.00!!! When I tried it on for my husband he said that he liked it and that it looked great on me. So I asked him did he want to know what size the dress was and he said no. NO?!?!   How could he not want to know??? So I told him anyway. "Honey, this is a size 12"(said I with a pouty face) and he said to me "Babe, you're twice the woman that you used to be."(said he with a smiling face) It took me a few minutes to take his light hearted compliment to me and turn it into a back handed insult. "What?! You mean like twice the size, don't you?" What a wretch I am! He was trying to making light of a situation that I was trying to make heavy (no pun intended here). He often tells me that my weight gain is no big deal. That it matters more to me than it does to him. So why can't I get the image of that skinny person I used to be outta my head? My best friend/sister-in-law asks me this question- Why can't you stop comparing yourself to her, that other woman that you used to know so many years ago? That other woman, if you must know, is an alcoholic, who has had 2 separate breast implant surgeries, has fake hair extensions, and dyes her gray hair a nasty jet black, has had lipo done to her hips and bottom, goes to a tanning booth year round and weighs about 95 pounds dripping wet. She looks terrible! I think she looks amazing except.....wait a minute....I really don't like the dyed black hair, and the years of tanning have left her a bit wrinkled, and the hair extensions do not look right on a 50 year old woman, and she sashays that cute little ass around town like it's natural (SHE HAD THE FAT SUCKED OUT!!!) and she drinks to the point of blackout just about every weekend. What the hell is wrong with me??? Why do I want to look like her? Most of her 50 year old body has been surgically altered! Wouldn't I look just as fabulous as her if I had had the luxury of cosmetic surgery? Why are my perceptions so skewed? Why can't I just learn to love myself as I am? My weight gain has blessed me with a larger bustline which I never had before. I am a size 12 and I hear that that is the national average. My husband still desires me. So what is my deal? Why do I think thin is better? What is the lesson here? 

Thirsty

My garden is just about done. As in done, like crispy, burnt and fried and curled up at the edges. I've been watering every morning but I still don't think it is enough. For some reason, all the hose water I've been spraying on isn't enough for my garden. The plants want rain. A large amount of earth quenching rain.  I almost feel like it is a losing battle. The more I water, the hotter it seems to get. The temps just keep rising. And my garden just keeps wilting. Some of the plants are still green, but it isn't a normal color green. You can tell that the plants are starving for something that only the rain can give them. The green color that I see isn't the right shade of green that they should be. Oh well...nothing I can do about it really. I will just have to wait and pray and see what happens if and when it does decide to rain. It's hard not being able to control the outcome of certain situations. It's hard not being able to control people and life and needing to move on too. All of a sudden it seems as if a lot of the bloggers that I read are closing up shop and leaving. Quite frankly it's making me a little freaky. Christina at Happiness went private and signed off, Through an Alanon Filter signed off, Mr. Sponsor Pants has completely disappeared, Heather @ Sober Boots made a comment about not knowing if what she is doing is the right thing anymore, that she is sick of listening to herself and today Syd made mention of the fact that he liked not blogging so much. Part of me is wondering why all of the "rats" are abandoning ship. What's going on??? Why now? Is it just a coincidence that everybody is leaving within the last month? Is it a summertime and the living is easy sort of thing? I want to yell at everybody HEY! WAIT! PLEASE DON'T GO!! I NEED YOU!! 
Do I dare tell them that I need them as much as my gardens need rain? That I will wilt and crumble without their blogs to sustain me? I am in a panic about it. I know it is my control freak thing rearing its ugly head. But it doesn't make it any easier on me for the moment. I suppose that I could find other blogs to sustain me but I fear that it will be just like the hose water on my parched gardens.....not what I really need. Thirst quenching in a way but not really full of the nutrients like 3 inches of life giving rain water. 
I will wait and pray on this matter too. For those blogs that are still "quenching my thirst" I thank you for remaining active. I do need you. Just like my garden needs the rain.

Vrooom!!!

 I love driving fast. Love the sound of a car as it does that hum thingy when it is in top condition, just as it starts to accelerate. Sorta like a low growl in the back of your throat. I love the way certain cars can corner like they are on rails; zipping around corners, low and smooth. I however, am not a car. I have this horrible ability to get aggravated real quick. Zero to 60 in about 8 seconds. I've got a growl too but it doesn't sound sexy like that car does. I can get outta control (Who, me??) and start zipping around corners but I usually come crashing around corners with my hair on fire with a murderous look on my face. I don't like this about myself and today I am having trouble controlling my acceleration rate. I haven't done too much housework or laundry in the last week because of the heat. We had a heat index of 115 and our AC was having trouble keeping up. So I thought it best to hold off on using the other appliances. Well today it is a nice balmy 82 with low humidity so I thought that I would play catch up with the housework. Zero to 60 in about 8 seconds. Did I really think that I could do a weeks worth of cleaning in only 1 day??  LOL. Yep. So here it is 9:30 in the morning and I am already aggravated by the amount of shit I have to do yet. I can feel myself ramping up to a good growl at my grown son for the amount of laundry that he has brought downstairs to me. I am aggravated at my spouse for leaving his crap all over the place...in every single room!!! I feel myself fuming whilst I am elbow deep in a sink full of suds, cuz the dishwasher is already full and I am washing what didn't fit by hand. I want to call my sister and bitch and moan and feel all self-righteous about poor me and all the work these two have left me with. And in the middle of typing this post it hits me. Gratitude. I can hear a voice in my head that says..."Lolly? Are you really bitching cuz you have to wash dirty dishes and your families laundry? Think about what you are doing....THINK. Slow down and really think about what it is you are doing. Washing dishes means that 1. You ate a meal. 2. You had money to buy that food that made that meal. 3. Did you eat alone? 4. Did you eat inside? 5. At a table?" OK, OK, I got it. I get it. Other people would be happy to have what I have. Other people would have loved to have eaten a meal with their entire family beside them. Other people would be glad to wash their sons clothes and pick up after their spouse. So, I went from being aggravated about housework and full of self-pity to gratitude and being thankful for everything I have in about 15 minutes. Wish I had learned that lesson about my blessings in 8 seconds. Ok...back to work I go, This time I will try to keep my "speed" under control.  I will say a prayer of thanks for all I have while I am elbow deep in the soap suds...a husband, a son, 2 daughters, a son-in-law and a son-in-law to be, a grandson and another grandchild on the way, my two dogs, my two cats, my house, car, job, friends, fellow bloggers, health, dirty dishes, dirty laundry, indoor plumbing....Whew! My Gratitude list is all of a sudden endless. As it should be. 

Karma

Today I am wondering about Karma. Wanting to know why she is such an ornery bitch. Wondering why she always feels the need to pay someone back for something. I skipped my Tuesday night meeting. It was sooo hot; 110 degrees in the shade and  I felt like I was gonna melt. I was busy making my summer salads for the family party on Wednesday and just felt like I wanted to stay home. I realized I had made an error in my judgement within 23 minutes. Yes. 23 minutes. At 7:23 my qualifier started acting like the ass he can sometimes be (which then tends to make me act like an ass too) and I thought to myself...Sonofabitch! I wish that I had gone to my meeting. It never fails. Whenever I skip my meeting, I am always sorry for it within minutes. So why do I keep making that decision then??? What makes me think that I can go a week or two without the support of my Alanon peeps??? I hate to think that the good Lord hisself is trying to teach me a lesson but I'm beginning to think that that is just what he is doing. I'm beginning to think that Karma ain't female at all and instead is my HP in a very cunning disguise. Karma wants me to think that "Pay back is a bitch", like I need to be taken to task for for my actions. Now all of a sudden I am thinking that Karma isn't trying to teach me any lessons at all, but God is trying to show me the errors of my ways by making me think about the ramifications of my actions. Kinda like "Oh ho! You thought that you could do with out a meeting tonight? I will show you what you need." And re-reading that last line makes it seem like God is punishing me just like Karma, but for me....God seems so much nicer than Karma. I like to listen to Him much more than I like to listen to her. I like His lessons much more than I like hers too. Plus, His lessons usually come with blessings of some kind. So, I am off to start my day. I will take my lessons and my blessings as coming from God and Karma can go do her own thing somewhere else.  Peace!

I wanna go home

It's been a busy weekend for me so far with all the 4th of July festivities going on this weekend in my hometown.(and I wanna go home) It is hot as Hell outside and the humidity keeps on rising along with the temperature.(and I wanna go home) Today is our annual 4th of July parade and fireworks display and truthfully I could care less. (and I wanna go home) I've been at our Founders Day party down at the town square for the last two nights and I feel partied out.(and I wanna go home) It's too hot, and there are too many unwashed and sweaty bodies pressed up close to me on the crowded festival grounds. (and I wanna go home) One can barely get through the crowds. (and I wanna go home) They have it set up so that you have to walk through the Beer Garden in order to get into the festival and to access the Food Tents and Carnival rides which, needless to say becomes a bit more, shall we say challenging as the night progresses. (and I wanna go home) Think of it as a square; the music and concert venue is on one side of the park, the Carnival takes up one whole side, then the Port-a-potties take up another whole side and the Food tents are on the other and smack dab in the middle is the beer garden. (and I wanna go home) Ugh! (and I wanna go home) Seems to get worse every year....the smell of spilt beer, the loud, boisterous talking, the swaying and stumbling of those who have over-imbibed....I shudder to even think of it. (and I wanna go home) I've lost my tolerance for it. (and I wanna go home) Many a year was spent too close to that beer garden watching my qualifier quaff his ale. (and I wanna go home)  I remember the last time that he was in that beer garden as being one of his worst. (and I wanna go home) Anyway, now we bring the Grandson to this place and he is only two. (and I wanna go home)  He cannot go on the carnival rides, although he does like all of the flashing neon lights on them, and the poor lil guy is miserably hot and sweaty in his stroller. (and I wanna go home) It's also very difficult to maneuver his stroller through the grounds of this crowded festival. (and I wanna go home)
When did this stop being fun?? Was it ever fun? Was it fun when we brought our own children here 20 some odd years ago?? Paying too much just to get in, only to spend more money on food and games and rides and HEY!!! When did I become such a grouch ???? Why am I still complaining?? Where is my gratitude?  And I guess the real question is....Why do I wanna go home? Am I hot? Did I over eat? Am I tired? Is the music too loud? Is the baby over stimulated? Are there too many wasted people here for my own peace of mind? Is the sweaty smell of humanity making me nauseated? Yes, yes, yes, yes,yes and yes. Might have missed a yes or two but you get my drift. So maybe I won't go next year. Maybe I'll stay home and have a nice little 4th of July cook-out in my own backyard where it is nice and shady. No crowds, no smells, no wasted people falling down drunk in front of me.  Sounds heavenly. Happy 4th!