Monday, July 16, 2012
My best friend and I married brothers. She is more like a sister to me than a sister-in-law. I can and do tell her everything. She is my sounding board, my mood lifter, the keeper of my secrets. And she knows my struggle over this weight issue that I have. She knows about the voices I have in my head that tell me that I am not good enough or that I am a failure because I am 30 pounds overweight. She knows the person that I keep comparing myself to (Gosh! I wish that my body still looked like hers) and she tries to help me let go of the shame I feel. I badger her about this constantly!! I wonder why she doesn't tell me to shut the hell up! I am hardest on myself and I know this. What a whiny baby I must be to bitch and moan and complain about me, me, me all the time. Why can't I give this up??? Why do I need affirmation that I am ok, that I look fine, that the weight gain is more noticeable to me than to others? How vain can a person be??? This vain.....I found a dress for my daughters wedding. Size 12. But when I put it on.... BAM!! I looked like a million bucks. Very figure flattering; hugged me right in all the right places. Not too tight, black with a lacy black bodice...it is gorgeous! And it only cost me $45.00!!! When I tried it on for my husband he said that he liked it and that it looked great on me. So I asked him did he want to know what size the dress was and he said no. NO?!?! How could he not want to know??? So I told him anyway. "Honey, this is a size 12"(said I with a pouty face) and he said to me "Babe, you're twice the woman that you used to be."(said he with a smiling face) It took me a few minutes to take his light hearted compliment to me and turn it into a back handed insult. "What?! You mean like twice the size, don't you?" What a wretch I am! He was trying to making light of a situation that I was trying to make heavy (no pun intended here). He often tells me that my weight gain is no big deal. That it matters more to me than it does to him. So why can't I get the image of that skinny person I used to be outta my head? My best friend/sister-in-law asks me this question- Why can't you stop comparing yourself to her, that other woman that you used to know so many years ago? That other woman, if you must know, is an alcoholic, who has had 2 separate breast implant surgeries, has fake hair extensions, and dyes her gray hair a nasty jet black, has had lipo done to her hips and bottom, goes to a tanning booth year round and weighs about 95 pounds dripping wet. She looks terrible! I think she looks amazing except.....wait a minute....I really don't like the dyed black hair, and the years of tanning have left her a bit wrinkled, and the hair extensions do not look right on a 50 year old woman, and she sashays that cute little ass around town like it's natural (SHE HAD THE FAT SUCKED OUT!!!) and she drinks to the point of blackout just about every weekend. What the hell is wrong with me??? Why do I want to look like her? Most of her 50 year old body has been surgically altered! Wouldn't I look just as fabulous as her if I had had the luxury of cosmetic surgery? Why are my perceptions so skewed? Why can't I just learn to love myself as I am? My weight gain has blessed me with a larger bustline which I never had before. I am a size 12 and I hear that that is the national average. My husband still desires me. So what is my deal? Why do I think thin is better? What is the lesson here?