Florida 2022

 I went to Florida without you. Well...technically I brought you with but....

Matt drove too fast and I was worried the whole time. 

When you drove us, I felt a sense of trust and safety.

The ocean wasn't the same without you sitting beside me.

Nobody fished. Nobody sat in the sand with me at 6:00 in the am drinking coffee and watching the birds.

Nobody ate Crab legs until they were ill. Nobody wanted me to make chicken salad.

Alcohol helped me sleep alone in a strange bed in a strange condo. 

Kena was a trooper and tolerated the entire 17 hour drive down.

I was worried about her but she did just fine.

We left pieces of you there, in the waves, like you asked us to.

It was harder than I thought it would be...setting you adrift.

I miss your strength, I miss your touch, I miss the sound of your voice.

I hate that you aren't here with us anymore.

I hate cancer and I hate what it did to you,

And I hate how sad I am that you aren't here with me.

The dog hogs the bed and I long to hear you snore.

I pay the bills and I changed cable companies.

I wash my clothes and sometimes I wear yours.

There are 4 pork roasts in the freezer and I eat toast every day for dinner.

Nothing is the same and every thing is different.

I want to talk to you so bad... it feels like an ache.

Grief is the loneliest planet to live on.

The Mourning Dove

There is a mourning dove that sits by itself on the high wire in front of my house.

I noticed it the other day while stepping out to walk the dog.

I also noticed that the leaves are starting to change colors.

I've picked up a few that have really spoken to me; a green one shot through with a vein of yellow and bright red down the center and another one just shy of being red so it almost appeared to be pink.

There are yellow ones freckled with little brown dots, and crunchy brown ones too. One street over there are flame red ones already on the ground.

We won't get any really good color on the trees until middle to late October

I am a visual person so when I see something in nature that catches my eye I must have it.

Mostly I decorate with these items. I'll put a few leaves and acorns in a bowl or 

maybe tuck them in to a little corner next to some books.

I do this with rocks and twigs, seashells and feathers...whatever strikes my fancy.

So anyway about that Mourning Dove...

It followed me and the dog on our walk around the block.

It landed on telephone poles and fences and even on a neighbors TV antenna on their roof.

As we rounded the corner towards home I noticed a feather on the ground.

Smooth and round on the tip, gray and slightly fuzzy near the quill end.

The fuzzy gray tiny feathers caught my eye as they fluttered in the breeze.

I stepped over it and kept walking for a few paces, then I stopped and turned around.

The feather was gone...I looked for it but it must have floated off on the breeze.

Turning back around and starting for home I looked up and there was that solitary Mourning Dove perched on a high wire directly over my head.

That's when the thought came to me that maybe the feather had been a gift.

"Here's a piece of me to keep with you".

*************

When I got home I looked up Mourning Doves and found this-

7 Dove Spiritual Meanings

Around the world, doves hold important spiritual meanings for people. Not only are they referenced in the Bible, but ancient Indigenous cultures revered them as well. On a personal level, seeing a dove can carry spiritual meanings. Some even believe they hold message from their spirit guides just as angel numbers do. Here are some of those possibly messages:

1. Your angels are validating that you are on the right path. The dove doesn’t lose their way. And if you keep your faith, you will find your way.

2. If you are single, your romantic soulmate is looking for you. It is the nature of soulmates to find each other. Do things to increase your odds that the two of you will connect.

3. If you are in an established bond, the dove signifies that the bond with your soulmate is eternal. Treat them with gratitude and care.

4. Be pure of heart in your words and actions. This is the mark of an enlightened soul.

5. You are in the process of a spiritual awakening.

6. A loved one who has passed is reaching out to let you know they are present and that they are at peace.

7. Keep the faith in your higher power and know that the universe if wise and loving.

************************

Now I don't know if that was him or not but it sure gave me a nice feeling.

Guess I'll be on the lookout for more feathers.

Love, Lolly

On the Homefront

 The rehab on my house is coming along nicely.

Ceilings have been replaced or painted as the case may be, both of the upstairs bedroom walls  have been white washed and all of the carpet on the second level has been torn out.

Paneling in the TV room was removed and we found a ton of damage to these old 1910 plaster/lath walls. We also found 4 or 5 layers of old hand stamped wallpaper under those panels. We tried to remove some of the layers to see what was underneath. I felt like an archeologist peeling back that old paper. You could almost see each decade in the prints that had been chosen. 

We took pictures before we covered it up.

So new paneling was put up and we tried to white wash it but it didn't take.

Deb and I spent 7 hours scraping the paint back off.

The good news is that the TV room looks just as good without the white wash on the walls.

The new flooring going in the TV room doesn't match as well anymore but whatever.

Deb, Kate and I have been going with a lot of Plan B's. 

It's easier than fretting about Plan A not working.

When it comes to old houses you gotta roll with the punches and work with what ya got.

The only rooms that aren't being rehabbed are my bedroom and the bathroom.

These two rooms have become my sanctuaries lately. I sleep, eat and relax on my bed and I still have a working bathroom so I can take my Epsom salt baths after the construction guys leave.

Everything else is complete chaos. The furniture is gone, closets are emptied and the contents of my entire kitchen are in boxes in the sitting room. Kate is wonderful at keeping me on this planet.

You know what really helps me?  When I work along side them; painting, scraping, hauling boxes.

The work is hard and sweaty and dirty but the days go by in a flash!

And the feeling of accomplishment, of a job well done, sits right in my soul.

The depression is lifting. I'm no longer eating or sleeping the day away.

I've unclenched my hands, and my anxiety is quiet.

I still don't feel Art or Jesus around me yet. but that's okay.

Maybe they're busy elsewhere. Lord knows this World is burning down around us.

There are plenty of small fires to keep them both occupied for decades.

In the mean time I'll keep rehabbing this old house and I'll trust the wait.

Love, Lolly

Change is hard

 I've continued on with the house renovations even tho 2 of my 3 adult kids are unhappy.

Severely unhappy. Snarky. Combative. Rude. Verging on assholery.

We bought this house in 1994. Moved in lock, stock and barrel. 

Unpacked our boxes and started living here. No renovations, no new paint, nothing.

Moving is expensive. Three preteen kids can also be expensive. So can regular every day living.

So for 28 years we lived with the old carpet and the old wood paneling, plaster and lath walls, sketchy electrical switches and outlets, and the plumbing....don't get me started about the plumbing issues.

Back then I worked 40 + hours a week at the doctors office. He was a full-time firefighter/medic.

All three kids had school, friends, after school extracurricular activities, sports etc.

We were busy living our lives so the repairs to this old house took a back seat.

After he got injured while on that paramedic call, his back was never the same and surgeries and pain control took over our lives.

So the repairs again took a back seat to lifes problems.

Sometimes he'd start a project but would never finish it.

We showered for an entire year with plastic sheeting lining the walls of our shower because he took the tub surround out and couldn't find another one to fit the space.

He was worried about the electrical wiring in this 120 year old house so 25 years ago he took out the light in the stairwell leading to the kids bedrooms upstairs... never did fix it. He cut the wires and disconnected everything so it was safe but the children went up and down those stairs in the pitch dark for the next 20 years.

So what was he doing instead of fixing the house?

He bought boats, motorcycles, camping equipment, rifles, trucks, cars and two RV's.

We all enjoyed those toys and the kids still talk about how great their childhood was.

Camping trips, days spent on the lake boating, tubing and swimming, and vacations to Florida.

We, all of us, enjoyed each other and ourselves on those boating, fishing, and camping vacations.

But this old house paid the price by being neglected.

In March 2019 when Covid hit,  him and I redid the sitting room. New paint for the walls and ceiling, new furniture and a new ceiling fan. It turned out beautiful but the rest of the house was ignored.

In 2021 he got sick with pancreatic cancer and was too ill to work on the house or at his job as fire inspector.   He retired in October 2021 and died in January of 2022.

***********

Six months later I got drunk one night in June and texted a friend, an Interior Designer.

Told her I was sick of living in this undecorated house and could she help me fix it up?

She told me that she believed God had something to do with me asking her for her help.

(Uh, more like Chardonnay was my first thought.)

Come to find out she and her mother in law do this sort of thing for a living.

They enter a house, talk to the owner(s) and get a feel for their lives and their life story.

They talked to me and asked me how I met Art and about our lives and our relationship.

Then they walked through the rooms of my house asking questions about each room, what it had been used for and any ideas I had for future use.

I showed her a few pics from my Pinterest Dream House board, told her about a few ideas I liked.

She said it was all doable, no problem, that she'd be happy to help me, so I asked her for a contract.

"How much is this gonna cost me?" I asked. Pay for the materials and the contractor was her answer.

To say I was stunned speechless is an understatement. Total cost to me would only be $4,000.00.

In return I would get:

A new ceiling upstairs in the kids tandem bedrooms, painted walls and closets, old carpet tore up and thrown out and the rough walls sanded down (the former owner used something on the walls that made them sharp like needles. We used to call them "Damnit" walls, cuz when you got too close you ended up bleeding. We've all got scars from those damn walls.)

Also, new drywall for the living room walls, new floors installed in the sitting room, living room and kitchen.

They even did the first floor bedroom where Art spent his last days on this earth. In fact that's the first room they did. Those wonderful angelic, mystic women changed that room from a cancer patients room to a toy room for the grandkids and it completely changed the feeling of that room.

I wish the kids were all onboard with me and these changes.

It feels life changing to me in the best way possible, like I can breathe again.

Life has been so hard for the last 2 years and this feels like the change that I needed.

We all handle grief differently and I guess that they are just not ready for change like I am.

My sister says that I  deserve this, that it's ok to need to change, to want to change.

But it's hard to be the only one changing at the moment. They are not on the same page I am.

I want to apologize to them but I don't really know what I am apologizing for.

I am learning that it is ok to need to do something for ME for the first time in a long time.

But it still hurts all the same.

Love, Lolly

Friday Night and a bottle of wine

 On Friday nights in the Summer we used to jump on the Harley after he got home from work and head to Wisconsin.

We'd stop in Hebron, a tiny town on the border of Illinois and Wisconsin and eat at Crandall's an All You Can Eat Broasted Chicken place. 

Other times we'd go to Mad Dan's in Twin Lakes Wisconsin to eat our fill of breaded Perch. 

Once we'd eaten we would head home in the pitch dark. I'd  twine my hands around his waist and rest my chin on his  shoulder and let the cool breeze hit me in the face as he drove us home.  I was never afraid riding behind him on our Harley.  

 Our first motorcycle was a Honda Goldwing. Once while coming up to a stop sign at a four way he miscalculated the turn and dumped us over. I rode that bike right down to the ground sitting behind him. We landed sideways in the grass. 

"Next time don't take the corner so sharp" I told him. We never crashed again after that.

If he got home from work too late we'd go to our local Culver's and get burgers and ice cream sundaes.

We always ate the ice cream sundaes first. He'd get strawberries on his ice cream, and I got hot fudge.  

It was one of our favorite dates.

We were going to take that Harley with us in our RV and ride off in to the sunset after he retired.

I'm so sorry we never got to experience that. It makes me cry when I think about it.

Feels like life wasn't fair to us ever.  

So many times over the years him and I fought against each other and our circumstances and lost.

We lost our daughter, ourselves, jobs, our home, our fathers, our dreams and our way.

Just when things felt like they were turning around he got cancer.

He was set to retire in May but got sick the proceeding June.

He never made it to retirement in May nor his 59th birthday in July.

Lord but I miss that man.

Wine makes me cry. I need to stop drinking it.

Forgive me, I'm sorry. I miss him and I'm sad.

Love, Lolly

Moving on

 I'm ok. Sad but ok.

Sometimes with grief you gotta take a few steps backward in order to go forward.

We'll be all right. Healing takes time.

Part of me thinks it was their grief that was erupting, uncontrolled.

Maybe the sixth month mark was too soon for them to go through their childhood things.

I'm real sorry about that prom dress but there isn't anything I can do about it.

I've apologized. I've cried. I've felt tremendous guilt. Now I need to let it go.

In two weeks the contractor comes to fix the ceiling in the bedroom and closet.

Then we rip up the carpet (keep your fingers crossed that hardwood flooring is under that carpet).

After that comes the new furniture and then we will be putting some of their boxes back into one of the closets for storage. Did I tell you that there are 3 closets up there? I'm ok with storing some of their stuff,  just not the crap that needs to be thrown out.

Kate and Debbie, my Hoarder Helpers and I all agree that so much of that stuff in boxes is a fire hazard and is dangerous to keep in this 120 year old house.

So. Many. Papers. And textbooks...my god the books!!! All stored in cardboard boxes.

This old house of mine has Balloon Construction. Essentially it means that my outer walls are hollow and if a fire starts those hollow walls will act like a chimney and the fire will travel up those walls in a flash. Art and I found one hollow outer wall full of sawdust when we remodeled the bathroom. So some of these walls are filled with sawdust which will act as an accelerant. (I miss my Firefighter/Inspector. He was full of knowledge and so damn smart)

It already smells fresher in here. And I've found that clutter is heavy to the spirit.

I am looking forward to my project being finished. I hope the kids soon realize that I meant no harm.

It's just time, my time, to start moving on.

Love, Lolly

Just in case Part 2

The depth of their fury surprised me.

Their tears and the anger and harsh words was quite literally shocking.

They felt betrayed they said...BETRAYED!!

How could you?! they asked. We told you NOT TO she yelled.

That is our personal private stuff and you let them go through it!

You gave no thought to our feelings and you did it anyway!!!

My daughter was visibly shaking with rage.

"I didn't do it to be mean" I said. I explained my Mountain analogy to her.

You had no right, It's my house, I can't trust you anymore,  were phrases tossed about.

Both of the kids were accusatory and hurt beyond fixing.

She was unable to talk to me for days and she didn't quite agree with me on the mountain thing. 

My son was just as mad going so far as to threaten me "Don't touch our closets" or there will be repercussions. I lied to him and told him that his closet had already been done.

The next week I had them clean out his closet.

When he found out I lied he wanted to know the reason why, saying I must have had a very profound reason for lying to him.

I didn't have a profound reason. I didn't even have a really good reason; only that I wanted the closets cleaned out, that I wanted to keep moving forward, that the heaviness was being removed from the house and I knew if we stopped it would never get finished.

In my own defense these women are not throwing anything out. They are simply organizing it into piles so the piles are easier to sort through, to know what to keep, what to throw out, donate, etc.

"How can you want to have all of these piles of boxes in the sitting room?" they asked.

That's the sorting room I told them. I think it will be fun to sort through these boxes together, you know? Kind of like reliving your childhood years and reminiscing.

"Why would I want to do that?" she replied.  I was speechless.

She and her husband took as many boxes as they could fit in to their car and left, both of them angry.

My son got angry that his papers had been gone through and that I had cleaned out his closet when he had expressly told me not to. 

Nothing was thrown away, only sorted I said again. And they didn't go through your papers.

Again he threatened me..."Don't touch Maddie's closet or dad's gun safe. You are gonna cause damage that can't be repaired."

The following week my daughter came and emptied her own closets. When I asked her if there was anything left she told me only prom dresses that she didn't want.

And here is the next story...

The ladies came back to finish up cleaning her room the next day.

Part of the ceiling had also collapsed in her closet and the prom dresses and my wedding dress were covered in dirt, When the ladies asked me to go through and see if there was anything I wanted to save before they finished, I saved 3 items.

A small pair of Lederhosen, a toddler sized traditional German dress and a purple dress that my other daughter had seen and wanted.

The rest could go, including the old prom dresses and my wedding dress.

My son was surprised that I would get rid of my wedding dress.

"Really Ma?! Your wedding dress?"

I'm never going to wear it again, nor would it fit me. His sisters are already married so they don't need it. It wasn't put away correctly 40 years ago, it was dirty and probably damaged beyond repair.

So off to the local donation store it all went. I had no second thoughts. I was relieved.

Until my other daughter saw the empty closet and asked where the peach prom dress was.

Gone I told her.   "BUT I wanted that one" she said.

Well shit.

I've been to that donation store every day for the last 3 days and the dress is not there. They were given a description of the dress and the day and time that it was dropped off but still no sighting.

I feel heart sick. Somehow I have ended up hurting all 3 of my grown children.

I wish I had never started this whole project.

All 3 of the kids are upset, heartbroken, betrayed.

Something irreparable has been damaged and I caused it.

I feel guilty. I'm sorry. And I am sorry that I ever touched their things.

*********************

I got a text from my son yesterday. 

He will be coming over next week Sunday to take his boxes and his dad's gun safe so "I no longer have to worry about those things."

*********************

I wish that they could understand that I never meant it to be painful. I never meant for it to feel like a betrayal.

I saw a huge mountain of stuff that needed to be moved. I felt that mountain resting heavily on my shoulders, and the weight was causing me more grief. 

I only wanted to move the mountain. I was worried about the size of that mountain while my kids were worried about what that mountain was made of and who saw it.

I am not sure where to go from here. I feel a tenseness from them all.  Like a door has been opened that shouldn't have been opened and now cannot be closed.

****************

The ladies wanted to start on my kitchen cabinets today and I told them not to come. I told them I needed some time. Plus the sorting room is still full of boxes that my kids have not gone through in the 4 weeks since this all started.  Sorta feels like a punishment if I'm honest.  You're ok with these boxes being left in this room? Fine. We will let them sit there then. They didn't say that but that is how it now feels. 

I miss my husband, I miss my old life, I miss the camaraderie I used to have with my children.

I miss the joy I imagined I would have sitting in my little nook staring out the windows at the trees.

Just in case you needed to know...

Grief is a long, lonely journey.

Make your changes gradually.

Love, Lolly

Just in case Part 1

 

I've hired two women to help me shovel out the Hoarders Nest that I call home.

Art saved SO MUCH SHIT!

Cardboard boxes from small appliances..."Just in case"

Old medicine...again..."Just in case"

Shoes he never wore or hated or that pinched

Miscellaneous keys, screws, hardware bits and bobs

The last two feet of unused vinyl flooring.

Upstairs in the kids rooms was worse.

They have all moved out and moved on but the second level of this house 

has remained their dumping ground and storage facility.

Art was a major contributor to this mess also.

He kept his hunting and camping gear in there along with TVs that no longer worked, old computers, and other things he had no place for in the rest of the house. 

If he didn't know what to do with it, it went upstairs.

Eventually the upstairs became unusable, with both bedrooms packed with crap.

All of the kids college boxes were up there unused and unopened since they came home.

Old college notebooks, textbooks, dorm room stuff, stereos from the 80's.

My wedding dress, the girls old Prom and Homecoming dresses hung in the closet too.

Parts of the ceiling in this 120 year old bedroom had started to come down.

Plaster and Lath and fermiculite rained down on any one who dared open the door and go in.

It was like this before Art got cancer. Before he got ill him and I both wanted to clean out the upstairs and turn one bedroom into a guest room for the grandkids sleepovers.

The second bedroom would become my little nest, my little holy place, my nook...

A place for me to light my candles, to read, to write poetry, to stare out the window at the trees.

To me it was/is/has the best view in the entire house and I've coveted this room for years.

But the thought of actually cleaning it always overwhelmed us too. It was a  mountain of stuff.

We'd close the door and say "We'll do it another day."

*********

I waited six months after Art died before I touched any of it. 

One day I went upstairs, opened the bedroom door and the sight that greeted me was no different than the sight that had greeted me for 10 years or more. Only this time I felt like I had had enough.

I was sick of the mess. I wanted to shovel out these rooms. I was living in a house full of trash.

It felt like I was suffocating under the weight of the stuff left upstairs. 

I couldn't breathe and I wanted this shit gone. 

I was the one living here, by myself, left with the trash, the memories and the grief.

I told the kids that I was going to hire these woman to help clean and sort the mess.

And the kids balked. Don't do it they said. We will do it. We are busy, give us time to do it.

Now before ya'll think I am as cruel as my kids now think I am-

They have been saying that they would "get to it" for years now but it never got done.

They all have lives, kids, jobs, houses of their own. There was never time to do it.

Sumertime it was way too hot upstairs. Spring, Summer and Fall raced by and before we knew it another year had gone by and it never got done.

So.

I called a friend of mine who is an interior designer to come over and give it a looksee. 

That's when she told me that she and her mother-in-law also did hoarders nest cleaning.

It felt like an answer to my problem especially when she told me they would do it for free. 

No charge for their services because I was her friend. I only had to pay for the new bedroom ceiling to be put in and for any knew furniture that I chose.

When my kids found out they were embarrassed that I would show a complete stranger the size of the trash mountain that was housed upstairs.

I told them that it was being done for free and that I trusted these women. I told them that nothing was being thrown away, only sorted into piles or boxes to be gone through at a later date, that it would all be organized and much easier to sort once the mountain was removed from the rooms.

We chose the sitting room on the first level as the sorting room because nobody ever used that room.

It was going along nicely, the boxes were coming downstairs, the trash was being thrown out, I could see progress being made. They worked for 10 hours that first day. And the difference I felt and saw was amazing. It felt like a weight was being lifted off of my shoulders. I was thrilled.

And then the kids found out. And all hell broke loose.

Was that You?

 

Yesterday I sat on the front step at dusk letting the gloaming surround me.

I let myself just sit there, unmoving, staring off into space.

I felt the breeze caress my face which made me come out of my reverie and look up.

The leaves in the new tree out front were fluttering and the branches were swaying.

For a moment I felt like that tree was trying to tell me something.

So I listened, very intently, for a few more minutes as those tree branches swayed

and those leaves ruffled and twirled.

No message came to me or filled my mind. 

But I did wonder....Was that you?

Then I watched as a  Hummingbird flew from flower to flower in the garden.

It was so immersed in its work that it didn't notice I was sitting there.

When it finished gathering nectar on the last bloom it directly flew towards me.

It stopped at the last second and hovered in front of my face for long seconds,

Staring at me as I stared back at it.

Again, no message came through but I wondered...Was that You?

On one of my evening walks around the block with the dog 

I glanced up and saw a wispy cloud in the form of an angel.

While the dog did her business my eyes stayed focused on that cloud

Because it's not often one sees an angel shaped cloud.

I even took a picture but it didn't look the same on my IPhone as it did in person.

Yet again I did wonder.....Was that You?

On that same walk, as the sun was setting, a stray sunbeam peered through the trees and caught me in the eye making it water at the intensity and the brightness.

As I stopped and blinked for a moment to clear the tear from my eye, I realized 

that I was at the corner of Maple and Ash...the corner where I always cry.

Were You that light beam seeking me out on that street corner??  Was that You? 

The other night as I was waiting for sleep I could have sworn I heard someone say  "Hello?" 

The house was dark, the dog didn't even bark but still I wondered...Was that You?

Once I woke in the middle of the night and felt for sure that you were lying next to me.

It ended up being the cat but it felt so real at the time...Was that You??

Driving to my chiropractor appointment a truck passed me at the stop sign.

I did a double, triple take. Because the man driving that truck was the spitting image of you.

WAS that You???

Was THAT You??

Was that YOU?

Was it?

The journey through grief is ongoing.

I am surviving.

Love, Lolly

What smell reminds you of them?

He always smelled like heaven to me.

It's one of the first things I noticed about him.

Not once in the 41 years that I knew him did I ever think

Geez! You need a shower pal.

Fresh off of a fire call when he was sweating and covered in soot

I'd smell the smoke in his hair and the pheromones coming off of his body

 and it would bring me to my knees in lust. I could smell him for hours.

It's one of the things that I miss most about his absence...his smell is gone.

Below are the things that remind me the most of his very essence, his presence.

Brut Cologne

Old Spice deodorant Sport scent

BBQ Ribs

Charcoal grills

Snowmobile exhaust

Firefighter turnout gear

Leather

Coffee

The new smell of the camper

Tires

Bonfires

Hot asphalt on a summer day

Clean sheets

Lake Water

The scent of snow

Garlic mustard weeds

Pine Tree Groves

A field of strawberries

Cherry Bombs

Smoke.

I miss the smell of him. I miss the hell out of him.

What smell reminds you of your person?

Lolly

:(

It's 10pm on a Sunday night and I need someone to talk to.

I'm so damn sad and lonely.

I checked Google for grief counseling in my area and it only made me cry harder.

Listen to me.

I am not suicidal. I am sad.

I miss my husband. 

I miss having him to talk to.

I don't like being alone.

It's been 5 months since I've seen him.

And at this moment I don't know how to go on.

A conversation with you in my head

I don't believe you are in heaven looking down on me.

I don't believe that you are watching out for me nor do I believe 

that you are a red cardinal at the feeder or a butterfly in the garden.

Your absence is heavier than I ever thought it would be.

I so badly want to lay eyes on you again. I want to kiss you and hold hands.

I want to smell you and feel you scooch close to me as we sleep together.

I want to ride our Harley on a sunny day with your hand resting on my thigh.

I want to walk the dog around the block without crying at the corner of Maple and Ash because for some odd reason that is where I miss you the most.....on a street corner.

I went grocery shopping and saw all of your favorite things you liked to eat on the shelves and I froze in the aisle deciding if I wanted to buy them anyway.

Our boy drives your truck now, that huge ginormous Ford F-250.

For a split second me and the dog both forget as it pulls in the driveway who is actually driving it.

We are getting ready to sell the boats and I realized that I will never get to sit in the middle of the lake with you and watch you fish anymore.

I can still smell that water and I remember how I always told you that it felt like silk as I dragged my hands through the water as you trolled around the west end searching for "Walter" the big Pike.

I've cried a lot as I wrote this and I'm tired now so I'm gonna go take a nap.

Love you Hon.

Things I have discovered about grief

I'm gonna grow old without him. I'm sad that we won't get to see each other get old and gray.

I've forgotten where and why and how to find gratitude. And at the moment I don't care.

I no longer find joy in reading, in fact I can't concentrate long enough to even begin a book.

I need to sell the RV.  It was our dream to travel together after retirement-

I am not going by myself.

I hate all of the clutter we've accumulated over the years and I want it gone...

all of it.

He has hidden cash all over this house. I keep finding wads of it everywhere. WTH?  Bless him.

I read somewhere that widowhood year two is worse than year one and I cannot imagine how.

Jesus doesn't answer prayer, even when you beg. I knew this 36 years ago but overtime I forgot.

Loneliness can feel physically painful and there is no medicine for this type of pain.

It's hard learning how to grocery shop and cook for just one. 

It's ok to sleep in on a day when you don't have anything to do.

Sleeping too much and not enough are both exhausting in their own way.

I was surprised at how quickly the rest of the world moved on without him.

Most people have no idea how acutely painful grief is. And there is no way to explain it to them.

Grief is lonely and lonesome and makes you feel alone.

I hate it with every fiber of my being.

Lolly

March

After two months of you being gone...

I noticed the grass is starting to turn green.

You show up in my dreams almost every night.

I'm ok with getting rid of your underwear

But your shirts are all still sitting here.

I'm ok by myself but I am lonely

Does that make sense?

I've filed this years income taxes. 

When I am the only one home

I want to call out your name

Just to hear  myself say it out loud

But I don't cuz I'd feel embarrassed.

The camper sits idle in the driveway

And I think I need to sell it

The dream of us traveling in it after retirement

Is no longer a reality for me alone.

The dog doesn't wait for you to come home anymore

And she now hogs your side of the bed.

I've taken to drinking wine every night

It helps me sleep but I feel crappy the next day.

No one touches me like you used to

And it's driving me mad.

I miss you.

Wood smoke on Sunday

The scent of wood smoke greeted me as I stepped out onto the front porch this morning.

It instantly reminded me of you and the tears started flowing.

Taking the dog for her walk around the block also makes me cry.

How many times did you and I walk this same route together? 

Turning the corner towards home a Harley rumbles past me and the dog,

making me look up to see the driver with his passenger on the back, 

her pony tail flapping in the wind and it makes me cry to think that you and I 

will never ride our Harley together again.

Almost home and I hear the sirens first. When I look down the street I see

the emergency vehicles and their flashing lights heading to a call.

The driver of the emergency command vehicle waves at me, she knows I live close by.

I wonder where they are headed. It's strange to not have a radio in the house after 40 years.

If you were here  I would know what is going on.

I dream of you almost every single night.

Sometimes we are boating, sometimes we are grocery shopping, sometimes you save me.

Other times you don't.

Nothing smells like you anymore.

I crave one of your bear hugs like oxygen. Feels like I can't breathe without you.

I wanna talk to you but I don't feel you here or near.

Once it felt like you laid down next to me in bed.

But mostly I feel alone. I am alone. And lonely.

The scent of wood smoke lingers...and reminds me of you.

Grief is not for the feint of heart I can tell you.

25 days out

As expected I am grieving.

I am heart broken, sad, adrift.

My thinking is fuzzy and I am forgetful

For some reason, I can't figure out how to grocery shop for everything I need.

I hate wearing jeans and prefer my husbands sweats instead. His T-shirts too.

Nothing smells like him anymore and I miss that. I threw out his toothbrush.

I miss the feel of his warm skin and the sound of his voice. I miss his eyes.

I miss holding hands and kissing goodnight and the way he used to kiss my neck.

I allow myself the luxury of bawling my eyes out whenever I feel like it.

I prefer being by myself and so far others have respected my wishes.

I feel like I am a wounded animal and just want to be left alone to nurse my wounds in private.

For the moment I enjoy the silence and the solitude. 

The world is getting scarier by the day and I wish he was here, healthy and whole, to talk to.

I am eating and sleeping (probably too much of both) but I think it's allowed for new widows.

I need to learn how to process this new life I've been given and put it into my writing.

Still a work in progress and I am ok with that. No rush. No hurry.

I'll keep you posted.

Love, Lolly

Walking on alone

I'm as sad as I've ever been,

I miss him so much.

I cannot put it into words yet,

What my heart feels like.

All I know is I am walking on

Alone.

2022 our last year together

 Barring any kind of God ordained miracle this will be our last year together.

Never in a million years did I think I would be doing this..caring for my dying man.

It's awful and heartbreaking. He has no dignity left and there are adult diapers in this house.

I'm lonely and stressed out. I don't want this to be my life, OUR life, and yet it is.

I'm tired and yet I can't sleep. I toss and turn at night while listening for him to call for help.

I miss being taken care of.  I miss being a wife. I miss sleeping in the same bed with him.

I miss doing the simple things together like shopping for groceries or walking the dog.

I. Miss. Him.

I miss the timbre of his voice, I miss the way he always smelled like Heaven, I miss his sense of humor.

I miss the size he used to be...6' tall and 200 pounds.

Did you know that I can lift him up all by myself right now?

When I gently hug him all I can feel are his bones.

Cancer is a horrible disease...for patients and family members who love them.

I know how this will all end and truly I tell you I don't want to witness it, but I have no choice.

Just like he had no choice in getting afflicted with this.

I don't want to be a widow, I don't want to do life on my own but what choice do I have?

He is too ill to go on any last minute trips or make new memories together.

The RV sits in the driveway covered in snow while the Harley sits in the garage under a tarp.

Covid has prevented us from being with our adult kids and the grandkids as much as we'd like.

There is very little to be joyful about and I fear that this will be our hardest and saddest year together.

I wish with all my heart and soul that it could be different for him, for me, for us.

We fought against life and each other for the first 28 years of our marriage. It was so hard.

These last 11 years have been the best of our lives, and it has been so good and loving.

He spoiled me. He became my rock. We were gonna ride off into the sunset on our Harley together.

Guess he will go ahead of me. And I will meet him there when it is my turn.

When it's time for him to leave this Earth I will tell him:

"Go on Hon...you can go. Go hug our baby Abigail and give her a kiss for me. 

Pet the dogs and cats and tell them I still miss them all.

I will look for you in the beautiful sunrises and sunsets for the rest of my days.

And at night I hope I'll find you in the stars winking down at me.

And Thanks Art. Thanks for loving me, thanks for the beautiful kids, thanks for everything."

Love, me. XO