Beauty is in the eye of the beholder

She called me beautiful. Me. Beautiful. And she meant it. And it made me want to cry. Imagine! Someone thinking that I am beautiful......so...not....true. And yet, she had the grace to actually tell me so. How could she possible know that THAT is  what I struggle with? An issue of inner and outer beauty? The added 20 pounds from quitting smoking that makes me feel so unattractive and self conscious - yet she claims that I looked too skinny before, unhealthy like. And she notices that my attitude is different....that I no longer seem angry and stressed and hurried. She sees the difference in me; a difference I can sometimes see and feel about myself. However...I am not so easily appeased about the difference she notices in my personality. I still struggle mightily to forgive myself for my past sins. The way that I treated others in the past is appalling to me now. I don't know how to forgive myself. The increase in my weight can be hidden underneath baggy clothes when it bothers me. But how do I keep hidden the shame of my past actions? How do I learn to forgive myself for the things that I said or did in the past ? What action on my part can make it better? What can I do to start forgiving myself ? How do I let my own demons go??  My outside may be a little heavier to the naked eye, but it is the weight of what I got going on the inside that is really weighing me down. Thanks for the compliment....I'll let you know when I can truly accept it.

My voice

Al-Anon is helping me to find my voice. My fear is that I have been silent for far too long. This is so new and confusing and difficult. I need to speak up for myself, yet not get caught up in the "it's all about me" scenerio. I'm frustrated with my progress. Sometimes I can say what I need to say and at other times, I project in my head how I think he might respond to what I have to say and it renders me silent...again. I am so tired of not being able to speak up for myself. I don't like this codependancy thing anymore. I want to be able to state an opinion or a feeling or even a criticism without being made to feel wrong or small or stupid. Some days, when I don't work the program...life can really kick me in my ass. I find myself hiding behind a book or being "extra busy" at something just to avoid talking. Unhealthy, I know, but I've been in an unhealthy relationship for 29 years now. It might take me awhile to get the hang of this speaking out thing.  Does it ever get any easier? Man, I sure hope so. But what I really wanna ask is does the fear ever go away? Fear of speaking out and fear of remaining silent. Which is the lesser of two evils? Which one is a lesson and which one is a blessing?

Love

Love can make you, break you, tease you and please you. It can make your soul  crawl outta it's hiding place and make you believe in miracles. It can hurt you and desert you and make you cry a river over it.  Love can get sober but not recovered and love can work the 12 steps to find a better way to live. Love can make your heart feel like it's gonna burst with the wonder of it all and love can make you feel such heartache that you are sure you will not live to see the morning. Love can make you laugh and sing and love can ruin everything. It can make you happy and it can make you sad...it can make you grateful and it can make you mad. Love is the thing that can tear you apart and love is the thing that can mend your broken heart. Love says he's worth it and love says keep trying...even though part of you still feels like crying. Love is so worth it and some day he'll see that love really is all that it's cracked up to be. Happy Valentine's Day!

Where have I been, you ask? I've been gone feeling very sorry for myself, that's where I've been. Been a bad week over here. Just down in the dumps, not working my program at all. Letting what others say and do affect me. Having a hard time letting go of the past and it's affect on what it did to me.  I really need to climb outta this pit of despair that I have dug for myself. Listening to worship music has been working miracles on me these past two days. Shoulda been listening to my HP instead of that dark place inside me that likes to tell me that I am not worth it. Because I am worth something. I AM!
The sun is shining today and it is almost 50 degrees. Normally it is about 23 degrees this time of year. Think I will put on my walking shoes and go for a walk; see what The Good Lord has for me to see outside. Lesson for today?? Learning to bless myself.

My defining moment

Tomorrow is my 1 year anniversary in Alanon and the time has flown by for me. My home group has asked me to be the lead for Tuesday night. Initially, I said no, that it should be whoever had signed up for that week.  But after I thought about it for a bit, I decided that maybe I could say a few words about what got  me here in the first place. However, the more I thought about it the more nervous I got. I kept feeling like I was putting pressure on myself to say the exact right thing. I don't have a problem sharing or talking when it is my turn on any other Tuesday night, so what is it that is preventing me from coming up with a good lead that would be inspiring to the others in my home group? I know what brought me to these doors, and I know what is going to keep me coming back here week after week. How to simplify the story though?? I knew that I wanted peace in my life, but what I needed was peace in my soul. My HP was working on the soul part for me, and it was up to me to me to figure out the peaceful life part. Nothing I had done in the past 26 years had given me any peace whatsoever. So how to find it now? And where? Thankfully I found an Interventionist that was as concerned about me as he was about the alcoholic. His wise words saved me from myself and I shall be forever grateful to him for giving a damn about me, when I didn't give a damn about myself. With his support and direction, I found myself at the doors of Alanon and once there, I have never looked back. The blessings and life lessons started pouring in almost immediately. To say that I was on a pink cloud was/is an understatement, only I am still on that pink cloud! Life is still wonderful, I am still learning what I need to know, and I am still being  moved to tears by what I hear and witness and share in these rooms of Alanon. What I learned was this:
1. I can't  2. HE can  3. Let HIM  and Let go or be dragged.
When I learned to let go it literally changed my life. I came to Alanon frightened. I came here sad and crying; sick in my soul, angry, afraid, hateful. And at the end of my rope.....without any hope at all. It is amazing to me what 1 year in the Alanon program has done for me. Saved me is what it did. Now is that a lesson or a blessing?!

Crying

I saw Jody in church on Sunday. (She is the wife of the couple getting a divorce who I blogged about before). I wanted to wish her a happy new year and see how she was holding up. The separation was her idea and even though  she made the decision to end the marriage, it doesn't mean that she made that decision  lightly. You can tell that her decision is still hurting her as well as the rest of the family. When I told her that 2012 was gonna be a better year than 2011, her eyes welled up; and with silent tears she said, real quiet "Don't say anything else, or I'll start crying"....to which I replied "Oh, don't cry! God has a plan and everything is gonna work out". I hugged her and walked back to my seat. It didn't dawn on me until the next day that the advice I had given her was incorrect. "Don't cry" is what I had said to her. Don't cry! What an ignorant thing for me to say! Tsk. I am mad at myself for saying that to her. Especially since this past year I have found my own self crying or on the verge of crying over everything. Our tears are God's holy water, they heal us as they flow. Why had I told her not to cry!? No one had told me not to cry.
Here is what I wish I had said to her instead:
  It's ok to cry, Jody. And if you need to cry for the grief and the peace and the relief that that decision gave you, why you go ahead and cry then. Cry until you feel healed and whole. Cry until your soul no longer aches. Cry until you no longer feel bruised and lost and alone. And then when you finally feel happy and light and free...go ahead and cry again; the sweet, gentle, cleansing tears of healing and relief; the deeply tranquil tears of  peace and thankfulness and gratitude. God's Blessing to you.
The next time I see her in church, I think I will just keep my advice about not crying to myself and hug her instead. Another lesson learned.


  

Inspirational

It was a good meeting Tuesday night. The topic was detatching and boundries. Two things I had no concept of in the past. It feels sooo good to be detatched and to work on myself. It feels wonderful to set my boundries, boundries that I never even knew existed before. After the meeting so many people came up to me to tell me that my share was inspiring, that I was inspiring! And  I was amazed by their statements. Me?! Inspiring?! One woman said that she can actually see my spirituality shining through me when I speak. To me, THAT is amazing. I had a huge spiritual awakening 4 months before I  joined Alanon. My story is so amazing to me, and I like telling it to people. I know that it can  be inspiring for others to hear  it. But I always thought that the story was inspiring, not me. This may take a little getting used to. Or wait.....maybe that is the lesson....not getting used to it. Letting the story be the inspirational tool that it is and keeping my ego in check. Okay, okay Lord, I got it.  Thanks for the blessing to be inspirational to others. Soli Deo Gloria!