But, but.......

I have a problem with always being right...ahem...always thinking that I am right. But all is quiet over here after the incident with my daughter and her fiance. And I do mean quiet. But I haven't heard from either one of them about my FB message to Mike. But I have talked to Lynnie but she made no mention of the FB post. But perhaps she doesn't know that I sent it to him. But, hey...lesson learned....stay out of their business. But it felt good at the time to voice my opinion. But it doesn't feel so good a few days later when all I hear is silence. But it does feel more like I put in my two cents when it wasn't my place to do so. But she was so upset at the time and  I felt like I needed to fix their disagreement...and there it is......I felt like I needed to "fix" their disagreement. Note to self... But out!!! I still need to learn how to NOT fix other peoples problems. I could have empathized with her about her feelings and I should have let her figure out how to fix their disagreement on her own. But it made me sad to know that he made her cry and he made her feel bad about her issues with anxiety. But I was only trying to help her. But I worried about making the situation worse, but I posted that message to FB anyway. But did I learn anything from this? Yep, but I don't want to say cuz it might make me see the errors of my ways. But, tomorrow is another day to get it right....right??

Letter to my daughter's fiance

I don't like it when my kids cry. Especially since they are all adults and crying for them now at their age usually means that someone has hurt them emotionally. My middle daughter Lynnie called last night after her fiance hurt her feelings. She was afraid to travel on the snowy roads and her anxiety was thru the roof. Unfortunately, he didn't have a lot of compassion for her anxiety last night and he ended up hurting her heart by being callous. She was sooo sad about his lack of understanding. It made me furious. So I messaged him on FB and here is what I said-

 Not really my business to get involved here, but I'm gonna say it anyway and hope that I don't regret it...

True Story- My sister has anxiety issues. Deathly afraid of being trapped behind a locked door. Especially bathroom doors. Public bathrooms to be exact. So when we travel, either Raul or I wait for her outside the bathroom door so no one can walk in on her. She cannot get herself to lock the door...no matter what.
And it so happened that once, AND only once did I see this happen, that the bathroom door sort of got stuck. We were in a Mom and Pop diner in Wisconsin and it was a small place; kinda like the Olympic at Cedar Lake Lodge. There were six of us traveling together that day. We were all sitting at the table and Darlene went to use the ladies room which was 20 feet from our table. About 5 minutes later, Raul quietly stood up went down the small hallway to that bathroom and quietly said to her.." Darlene, calm down and open the door." He had heard her struggling to get out of that bathroom and without announcing it to anybody at the table, he went to her aid, knowing that he needed to calm her down in order to help her.
He talked to her calmly without making her feel foolish or embarrassed for her irrational fear. She wasn't really even stuck in that bathroom. She just thought that she was. But my point here is that he helped her without any one of us knowing. He didn't make fun of her or tell her to take more medication. He didn't laugh at her or demean her by joking about it. He helped her keep her dignity and he calmed her fears and he "saved" her from that stuck bathroom door. 
My hope here, Micheal, is that you love Lynnie enough to help her thru her own fears with more love and compassion than was shown in your own situation. Her heart is sore Mike. Fix it.
I really didn't want to be a buttinski. But I wonder...was I wrong to hit the send key? Let's hope not. We'll see.

Shutting my mouth

After re-reading my last post I realized that I sounded like a whiney adult. Awww, poor me! I'm whining about not being able to lose weight because I quit smoking and gained 20 pounds. Talking to my sister yesterday put my whining into perspective. I said to her "what a jerk I am! Here I am crying about being overweight when some people didn't even eat yesterday. Awww poor me. I gave up smoking a pack a day which was costing me $6.00 each day, and somewhere, someone would have loved to have had that $6.00 a day to eat lunch. And here I sit in a bagel shop bitching about being overweight and bitching about eating too much instead of smoking!"  At some point in my rant, I started to hear myself. To actually hear what I was saying and it stopped me cold to hear how selfish and spoiled I sounded. Sometimes God shows up in the most unexpected places and yesterday it was in a bagel shop. And He made me listen to myself as I whined to my sister and He made me think about what I was saying and He made me feel shame and it was sooo good. Some days I do realize that the life lessons I am learning really are my blessings in disguise. I just need to shut my mouth to hear them.

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder

She called me beautiful. Me. Beautiful. And she meant it. And it made me want to cry. Imagine! Someone thinking that I am beautiful......so...not....true. And yet, she had the grace to actually tell me so. How could she possible know that THAT is  what I struggle with? An issue of inner and outer beauty? The added 20 pounds from quitting smoking that makes me feel so unattractive and self conscious - yet she claims that I looked too skinny before, unhealthy like. And she notices that my attitude is different....that I no longer seem angry and stressed and hurried. She sees the difference in me; a difference I can sometimes see and feel about myself. However...I am not so easily appeased about the difference she notices in my personality. I still struggle mightily to forgive myself for my past sins. The way that I treated others in the past is appalling to me now. I don't know how to forgive myself. The increase in my weight can be hidden underneath baggy clothes when it bothers me. But how do I keep hidden the shame of my past actions? How do I learn to forgive myself for the things that I said or did in the past ? What action on my part can make it better? What can I do to start forgiving myself ? How do I let my own demons go??  My outside may be a little heavier to the naked eye, but it is the weight of what I got going on the inside that is really weighing me down. Thanks for the compliment....I'll let you know when I can truly accept it.

My voice

Al-Anon is helping me to find my voice. My fear is that I have been silent for far too long. This is so new and confusing and difficult. I need to speak up for myself, yet not get caught up in the "it's all about me" scenerio. I'm frustrated with my progress. Sometimes I can say what I need to say and at other times, I project in my head how I think he might respond to what I have to say and it renders me silent...again. I am so tired of not being able to speak up for myself. I don't like this codependancy thing anymore. I want to be able to state an opinion or a feeling or even a criticism without being made to feel wrong or small or stupid. Some days, when I don't work the program...life can really kick me in my ass. I find myself hiding behind a book or being "extra busy" at something just to avoid talking. Unhealthy, I know, but I've been in an unhealthy relationship for 29 years now. It might take me awhile to get the hang of this speaking out thing.  Does it ever get any easier? Man, I sure hope so. But what I really wanna ask is does the fear ever go away? Fear of speaking out and fear of remaining silent. Which is the lesser of two evils? Which one is a lesson and which one is a blessing?

Love

Love can make you, break you, tease you and please you. It can make your soul  crawl outta it's hiding place and make you believe in miracles. It can hurt you and desert you and make you cry a river over it.  Love can get sober but not recovered and love can work the 12 steps to find a better way to live. Love can make your heart feel like it's gonna burst with the wonder of it all and love can make you feel such heartache that you are sure you will not live to see the morning. Love can make you laugh and sing and love can ruin everything. It can make you happy and it can make you sad...it can make you grateful and it can make you mad. Love is the thing that can tear you apart and love is the thing that can mend your broken heart. Love says he's worth it and love says keep trying...even though part of you still feels like crying. Love is so worth it and some day he'll see that love really is all that it's cracked up to be. Happy Valentine's Day!

Where have I been, you ask? I've been gone feeling very sorry for myself, that's where I've been. Been a bad week over here. Just down in the dumps, not working my program at all. Letting what others say and do affect me. Having a hard time letting go of the past and it's affect on what it did to me.  I really need to climb outta this pit of despair that I have dug for myself. Listening to worship music has been working miracles on me these past two days. Shoulda been listening to my HP instead of that dark place inside me that likes to tell me that I am not worth it. Because I am worth something. I AM!
The sun is shining today and it is almost 50 degrees. Normally it is about 23 degrees this time of year. Think I will put on my walking shoes and go for a walk; see what The Good Lord has for me to see outside. Lesson for today?? Learning to bless myself.