Home

Home – 

Warsan Shire (British-Somali Poet)

no one leaves home unless

home is the mouth of a shark.

you only run for the border

when you see the whole city

running as well.

your neighbours running faster

than you, the boy you went to school with

who kissed you dizzy behind

the old tin factory is

holding a gun bigger than his body,

you only leave home

when home won’t let you stay.

no one would leave home unless home

chased you, fire under feet,

hot blood in your belly.

it’s not something you ever thought about

doing, and so when you did –

you carried the anthem under your breath,

waiting until the airport toilet

to tear up the passport and swallow,

each mouthful of paper making it clear that

you would not be going back.

you have to understand,

no one puts their children in a boat

unless the water is safer than the land.

who would choose to spend days

and nights in the stomach of a truck

unless the miles travelled

meant something more than journey.

no one would choose to crawl under fences,

be beaten until your shadow leaves you,

raped, then drowned, forced to the bottom of

the boat because you are darker, be sold,

starved, shot at the border like a sick animal,

be pitied, lose your name, lose your family,

make a refugee camp a home for a year or two or ten,

stripped and searched, find prison everywhere

and if you survive and you are greeted on the other side

with go home blacks, refugees

dirty immigrants, asylum seekers

sucking our country dry of milk,

dark, with their hands out

smell strange, savage –

look what they’ve done to their own countries,

what will they do to ours?

the dirty looks in the street

softer than a limb torn off,

the indignity of everyday life

more tender than fourteen men who

look like your father, between

your legs, insults easier to swallow

than rubble, than your child’s body

in pieces – for now, forget about pride

your survival is more important.

i want to go home, but home is the mouth of a shark

home is the barrel of the gun

and no one would leave home

unless home chased you to the shore

unless home tells you to

leave what you could not behind,

even if it was human.

no one leaves home until home

is a damp voice in your ear saying

leave, run now, i don’t know what

i’ve become.

but i know that anywhere

is safer than here.

From Pastor Michael Moore's wordpress Blog:

**A poem shared by a parishioner… very appropriate in this era of hateful nationalism, racism, and un-Christian attitudes #Resist #JusticeNow

Six words

Bob Goff writes-
“Someone once asked me what I would write if I only had six words for my autobiography. Here’s what I came up with:
What if we weren’t afraid anymore?”


This six word thingy is apparently a thing right now.
I follow writingiswonderful on Wordpress who only writes in 6 word sentences. She gets a word prompt and then writes a story using only six words. Her posts blow me away every single time.
How does she do that, I wonder?

I also wonder what MY autobiography would be titled
if I was using only six words.
Here's a few samples I came up with:

* What if I didn't yell anymore?

* Why's my kitchen sink always clean?

* Finding friends after fifty is futile!

* I use humor when I'm nervous.

* I've always been awkward, and you?

So, back to Bob Goffs question-
What would YOU do if you weren't afraid anymore?
I'd cut my hair really really short, like a Pixie haircut.
I'd sing really loud in church and raise my hands straight up to the ceiling.
I'd never wear a bra again.
I'd dress more Bohemian...more flowing layers and skirts, more jingling jewelry.
I'd mow down my front garden and start all over again with different plants.
I'd get another Chihuahua.
I'd tell my husband to retire and we'd move to Florida.
I'd join a Yoga group, learn to meditate and locate my missing Chakras.
I'd let go of the control I think I have and I'd quit pestering Jesus with my anxiety.

What are your six words? What six words would describe your life?
I'm interested to hear what your six word choices will be.

Also, what would YOU do if YOU weren't afraid anymore?

Thanks for reading,
Love, Lolly

A quick couple of questions...

A quick couple of questions...
How does a body figure out who is reading her blog posts?
I can't figure out how to track this.  I use Blogger.
I can see that 11 people have read my last post but I don't know WHO.
It doesn't give me any identity of the reader.
I have 6 followers and I know the one person who doesn't read my posts at all is my sister-in-law.
What about you other five?
Do you ladies read every post I put up? Or do you pick and choose?
If you pick and choose, how do you pick and choose?
By title?
By day?
By subject?
Do I post too often?
Not enough?
Am I that Blogger? The one who makes you cringe...
I don't get a lot of comments and I wonder why not. (I'm afraid to ask you that)
I am looking for some honest feedback here.
Is there something I need to change about my blog?

Thanks for reading,
Love, Lolly

Gem of priceless wisdom

(Questions in the middle of the page are from the book Plant Spirit Medicine by Eliot Cowan)

Let me preface this set of questions with an observation-
I'm beginning to think that this author, Eliot Cowan, is a bit of a nut.
As I flip through and read certain chapters of this book, I find that some of the stuff he writes about is way way out in left field, if you know what I mean.
Way out.

The questions themselves aren't so bad...but his life experiences are a bit out there.
I've read ahead a few chapters and find myself a bit put off by some of his weird ideas.
I'm not sure how much longer I'm gonna be able read some of this stuff.
(AND NO THIS MAN IS NOT MY MIRROR)
In the meantime I enjoy answering some of these questions and I've also found that my answers are starting to heal a bit of a sore spot that I've discovered in my soul.
Which I'd say is a good thing.

And so without further ado...here are questions 1-5 from the chapter on Metal.

"Wake up early in the morning, move your bowels, and go to the summit of a hill or mountain. Breathe deeply. Bow, kneel, or perform a solemn ceremony as a gesture of respect to the experiences of your own life. Take up these questions.

Consider each answer to be a gem of priceless wisdom. 
By answering these questions, you can honor your relationship to Metal."


(I read that first sentence and started giggling like a 10 year old boy.
For heaven's sake...move your bowels...what the hell Mr. Cowan?
What has that got to do with anything??
Then it dawns on me that there aren't any mountains, summits or hilltops in my neighborhood.
Maybe I could shit  sit at the top of the staircase?? Does that qualify as a summit?
I didn't do any of the ceremonial kneeling or bowing. I did breathe deeply.
So here we go.)

1. How do you feel about your father?
I miss him. I miss his laugh, his sense of calmness. He was one of the most decent men on the planet. You know that old saying.."They don't make 'em like that anymore"? That is what I think about my dad. He worked three jobs to support us and never complained. He came from an abusive home and never laid a hand on us but once. He said once was enough. His parents were alcoholics but he wasn't. He could make or build anything...we called him a mechanical genius. I never heard him raise his voice or talk down to another human being. He broke the cycle of abuse that he was raised in and raised us without violence or meanness.
He died in 1994 from Multiple Myeloma.
I find that I miss him more and more as time marches on.

2. How do you feel in Autumn?
Alive. Cool. Like I can breathe. I love the colors of the leaves on the trees. I love the early darkness that descends around 4:30pm. I love the smell of woodsmoke and apples and dried out leaves. I love being able to cook heartier foods once again. After a long hot Summer of grilling outdoors, there is something so perfect about roasting and baking in my kitchen. Gray rainy Autumn days energize me.
I LOVE Fall, Y'all !


3. When was the last time you wept?
This past Sunday when my son played this song for me. He says this is what happened to him when his girlfriend broke up with him. It bothers me that she broke his heart so badly.

And then this one-

4. When have you lost someone who was precious to you?
This a helluva question to ask. When?! Jesus. Why does he want to know when?
There isn't any way to answer it without typing out long drown out responses.
I'm just gonna answer with names, relationship to me and dates.
For the record..haven't most of us lost someone precious?
Why does it matter when?
Who gives a shit about when?
What's the point of his question?

1. My Aunt Lori 1968- Anaphylactic Shock
2. My Grandfather Jerry 1976- Emphysema and Heart Failure
3. My Grandmother Louella 1985- Pancreatic Cancer
4. My daughter Abigail 1986- Umbilical Cord Accident
5. My Father Richard 1996- Multiple Myeloma
6.  My sister Vonni 2008- Blastomycosis of the Brain

5. When have you lost valuable objects?
Not sure if I have ever lost any valuable objects. I know that I miss my childhood toys. But I didn't lose them. My mother threw them all out. Everything...dolls, doll clothes, toy dishes, Barbies, games. I wish I had some of it still.
But valuable? I think valuable is a relative term.
One's man trash is another man's treasure.

That's it for the first five questions. Twenty nine more to go.
Aren't you excited??

Thanks for reading,
Love, Lolly

Bittersweet

I felt uneasy after rereading my last post.
Not the whole thing...just that first part where I made mention of the fact that-

"my husband is not someone I can or would want to, share things with. It's a long story..."

It IS a long story and I'm not going to share the whole of it here, just a bit so you get my drift.
Some of you may know that he is dry...meaning sober, but that he has never gone to AA.
Suffice it to say that if you know anything about AA or Al Anon, you'll know what this means.
His behavior is still a bit askew, and he never found the humility he needed to fully recover.
He doesn't drink anymore, which is great!  but that is/was the only change that he made.
With that, I will say that he is not a bad man. Perhaps he is only a spiritually sick man.

I stopped confiding in him a long time ago. He is not the keeper of my secrets. He is not my best friend.
I know this hurts him but it cannot be helped.
He has, in the past, used my words and thoughts and fears against me, as if he was wielding a weapon.
I have learned to be wary around him when it comes to my personal, private, emotional self.

To put it another way, some of the things that rattle me and cause me to be ungrounded and feel anxious about, come directly from him. 
Again!!   he's not a bad man. Nor does he do these things on purpose. To be honest, he is a sad man.
A very unhappy man. A very dry and sober man who never found the spiritual aspect of a program that would have changed him and his life for the better.

We have been married for 35 years him and I.  Ours is a bittersweet relationship.
We make do. It isn't perfect, and there are some days.....
But I still feel that stomach flippy thing when I see his truck pull into the driveway after work.
And he has always smelled like heaven to me.
He can and does make me laugh quite a bit.
When we are on our Harley life is wonderful and we both notice God's beauty all around us.
We get along great when we ride together, he leans back and rests his hand on my thigh, I lean forward and kiss his neck.

It's the other 350 days a year where I stare at him and wonder how can a body be so fucking miserable all the time.
His job, his boss, his mother, our sex life, the weather forecaster being wrong..again, the weather itself- too rainy, cloudy, humid, foggy, snowy, windy, hot, cold.
Some days I am at a loss as to how to help him.
I usually stand there with a frozen half smile pasted on my face while he rants and rants and rants at the injustices that are always assailing him.
It. Is. Exhausting. to listen to this All. The. Time.

A faithful man shall abound with blessings...-Proverbs 28:20 (KJV)

They say that the person who irritates you the most is your mirror.
Well shit.

Everyone Is Your Mirror

When I decided to take a step back and took a deeper look into him, this was what I saw:

Insecurities and low self-esteem make us ugly.

Our social anxieties prevent us from enjoying the beauty in both ourselves and others.

When I notice the way he dwells on certain areas of life, not only do I feel sad but I realize what I actually see is my own reflection.

“If you hate a person, you hate something in him that is part of yourself”.

The imperfections in other people that trigger us the most are the imperfections we loath in ourselves.

Because they are mostly repressed, studying our hatred towards these people can help us come clean with who we actually are.

Thanks to his low self-esteem, I’ve come to embrace and deal with mine.

Our own reflection in others shows us not only who we are, but also how to be better. ~Kolyanne Russ

I don't hate him. I dislike his constant complaining.
And yet what do I do here on this blog but constantly complain?

Mirror, Mirror on the wall....

******************************************************************

So this morning as I was reading one of my many devotionals, I came across this prayer by Brian Doyle and it struck a nerve.

Dear Lord,

Give me the strength and peace and joy

 to love steadily and consistently

 and well and openly for all the days of my life.

It caused me to wonder and it drew me up short...Wow. 

I never pray for my husband. 

Not in that way at least. 

I've prayed for him to quit drinking.

I've prayed for him as he fought fires.

I've prayed for him to shut the hell up.

I've prayed that he would love me the way I need to be loved.

I've never prayed to steadily love my husband. 

I've never prayed to Jesus to help me love my husband well and openly.

Why don't I ever pray for him to be a happier man? A good and faithful servant? 

A pleasant person to be around, a contented worker and coworker?

Six months ago I bought Stormie Omartian's book The Power of a Praying Wife.

And promptly put it on my bookshelf and never looked at it again.

Today I climbed up there and got it down.

I'm thinking that if I want my husbands outlook to change, if I want him to be able to feel better about himself, if I want to look myself in the face in that mirror, I had better get started on this book.

Reading the table of contents itself blew me away.

 1. His Wife

 2. His Work

 3. His Finances

 4. His Sexuality

 5. His Affection

 6. His Temptations

 7. His Mind

 8. His Fears

 9. His Purpose

 10. His Choices

 11. His Health

 12. His Protection

 13. His Trials

 14. His Integrity

 15. His Reputation

 16. His Priorities

 17. His Relationships

 18. His Fatherhood

 19. His Past

 20. His Attitude

 21. His Marriage

 22. His Emotions

 23. His Walk 

 24. His Talk

 25. His Repentance

 26. His Deliverance 

 27. His Obedience

 28. His Self-Image

 29. His Faith

 30. His Hearing 

 31. His Future

I'd say God is pointing me in a direction that I should go.

The Power of a Praying Wife....I like that title.

Thanks for reading,
Love, Lolly

The last nine on Earth

27. Do you have a shoulder to cry on? A sympathetic ear to listen to your problems?
No, I don't...not anymore. I find myself in this season of solitude that just keeps getting longer.
I crave a good friend. Someone who I can talk with, laugh with, share things with.
For reasons that are too personal to share here, my husband is not someone I can or would want to, share these things with. It's a long story...

28. How do you know who you are?
I'm not too sure that I know who I am anymore.
(Do YOU know who YOU are?)
I am a wife, mother, grandmother, daughter, sister, sister-in-law, niece.
I am an avid reader. I follow Jesus. I am a gardener.

29. Do you know where your next meal is coming from?  Yes. My kitchen.

30. Are you a sympathetic listener?
Is it a cop-out to say I try to be? Because I do try to be a sympathetic listener. How does one know if they are a sympathetic listener or not?

31. Do you know how people feel?
Most of the time, yes. You can tell, I can tell, by their facial expressions, or by the way they sigh or the way they walk. I think most of the people I come in to contact with are lonely and/or stressed.
 Do you care how they feel?
Yes. But there are times when there is nothing I can do about the way they feel.

32. How do you feel when a homeless person asks you for money? 
A homeless person has never asked me for money.

33. Do you enjoy taking care of people? 
Yes. Maybe I've become too domesticated. I like doing their laundry. I like preparing meals for them and cleaning the kitchen afterwards. When my people are sick or injured I like to make them special meals or bring them their meds, buying them a magazine or putting on a favorite DVD, whatever they need. I enjoy shopping for them...finding a little trinket here or a package of socks there, just for the hell of it...just because I know they will like it.
 Do you enjoy taking care of Animals? Good lord, YES! I could be a Vet technician. I've got a "feel" for animals. I tell people that I can speak dog. I know what they (the dogs) are saying or thinking or what they need by their demeanor or expression.

34. Plants, rocks, rivers, wind, mountains, valleys- do you know how they feel?
If I say yes, I don't want you to think that I am weird. But, maybe, yes, I do. I think we as a people are destroying our planet. And I think the Earth is trying to tell us that it hurts, that it's hot, that it needs us to stop producing so much garbage because it is suffocating and dirty and polluted.
Just look at all of the fires and earthquakes and hurricanes that are happening in epic proportions.
And now Kilauea has been erupting and spewing lava since May 18th.
Something is way out of whack.



(This a picture of Te Ka from the movie Moana. She's angry because her heart has been stolen.)

 Do their feelings matter to you?
Yes. We all need to listen to nature. The Earth is screaming and we need to learn to listen to it.




35. What do you feel grateful for today?
Today? It is 109 in the shade, so I am grateful for A/C
A glass of Raspberry Iced Tea
Bird song outside the open kitchen window before it got too hot outside and I had to close it
Our local craft store, where I bought the stuff to make Glitter Globes today
Dropping the grandkids off at Vacation Bible School which gave me 3 hours to myself
Storms predicted for later today...my gardens need the rain
Jesus and coincidental Bible readings


That's it for the chapter on Earth.  Next up is Metal.
Thanks for reading,
Love, Lolly

Ground

24. What makes you feel grounded?
(a sad story first...When my grandson was 4, he had done something naughty, I forgot what it was he had done exactly, but I grounded him for it. After he had apologized for whatever infraction it was, I told him that he was ungrounded. And he said to me..."You mean I don't have to go in the ground anymore?"  This poor sweet boy thought he had to go under the ground. As in like he would be dead and buried under ground. He heard the word grounded and thought it literally meant being put into the ground.)

So, What makes you feel grounded?
I'm not sure. So I looked up some grounding techniques to aid in my answer.

Being grounded is where we are able to experience life with clarity, control, energy, flexibility and peace.

When you find yourself around someone, maybe at the workplace or within the family who always manages to bring drama and negative energy to the environment, do you find yourself getting sucked in? Maybe these types of people trigger frustration, anger, or anxiety. These triggers can come from anywhere in your external world — traffic jams, lineups, relationships, finances, work, etc. These situations that make us feel anxious or unstable are often responsible for stealing our energy. 

Being grounded allows us to preserve our energy instead of giving it all away.

So, what helps me preserve my energy?

• Reading
• Naps
• Nature
• Music

Take this test:

1. Take off your shoes and socks and intentionally feel your feet pressing into the ground. (If you can’t take your shoes off, just envision and feel your feet being pulled towards the ground)

2. With your eyes open, look around the room or your immediate surroundings and become aware of each detail – focusing in on one thing at a time. (Ex: What colour is the wall? What can you hear? What is on the table? How is the tree reacting to the subtle winds? Notice the bird in the sky and the smells in the air.)

3. Now close your eyes and feel your body, bringing the same awareness to the feeling of each part of your body, starting with the top of your head and working your way down to your toes. Then, begin to sense the wholeness of your body and the energy flowing through, keeping you alive.  Spend a couple minutes just focusing in on what it feels like in your body to be alive without expecting anything.

How about what makes you feel Ungrounded?

Again, I had to look up information to get my facts straight.

Clear signs you’re ungrounded:

1 Feeling ‘spacey’ or dizzy  When you’ve been meditating for prolonged periods or doing any spiritual work, your energy body is literally outside of your physical self, hence the term ‘out of body’. This is what makes you feel ‘spacey’. What you feel is the vacuum that’s left when your energy body has vacated your actual body. Even if you don’t feel this yourself, you might notice you seem invisible to others. This is because, energetically, you’re not really all there.

2 Finding it hard to finish tasks  Do you find yourself setting out to do one thing, but end up doing something else? If this keeps happening, you definitely need to ground yourself as your mind is all over the place and can’t focus.

3 Being unable to concentrate  You may notice this especially when trying to do tasks that require you to hold a series of steps in your head. If you can’t manage to recall more than one or two, or keep getting stuck at the same point, this is a sign you are ungrounded.

4 Not making yourself understood  You’re trying to explain something, or retell an experience, but people simply stare blankly at you. They just don’t get what you are trying to say. You repeat yourself. You start sentences but don’t finish them or change topic half way through.

5 Unable to understand others  You simply cannot understand what other people are saying to you. You stare back blankly, wondering what they are talking about. People might ask a question and you don’t even realise they’ve spoken, or you might answer a completely different question or answer inappropriately. You might also find it hard to keep up with conversations, not realising others have moved on to a different subject.

6 Getting easily get distracted  Perhaps you start to do something, then find yourself doing something else entirely. You walk into a room and can’t remember what you went in for. You realise you are holding something but can’t remember why.

7 Losing track of time You may keep being late or early for things. You’re just not in the same time zone as everyone else. When your attention and energy is on the past or future, you will be out of the now and ‘out of time'.

Well it appears as if I am so ungrounded that I should be standing on the ceiling. Good Lord!
Every single bullet point is correct about me. All 7!!
Looks like I've got lots more work to do on meself.   I'll keep you girls posted on that front.

25. What obsessions do you have? 

• Reading.  If I cannot I read, I cannot breathe.
• Worry. I am obsessed with worrying. Hopefully once I become grounded again, that will help with my little worry problem.
• Keeping the kitchen sink empty and clean. That's weird, right?
• Plants for my gardens. I could go shopping at the local Garden Shoppe every day. Also, I love the smell of good soil.

26. How is your memory?
I'm sorry...What was the question again?

Nine more questions to go in this chapter on Earth
Thanks for reading,
Love, Lolly

Barefoot and happy

18. How do you feel walking barefooted? Putting your hands in dirt?
In pure soft grass, I like being barefoot. I like the feeling of the cool green grass under my feet. Meditation is teaching me to connect myself to the Earth by walking in the grass. Walking  down the sidewalk while barefoot doesn't bother me until I step on the dreaded "unseen pebble".
My hands are in the dirt all Summer long. I am always pulling a weed here or replanting something there. Flowers make me happy, but a gardener's work is never done.
Most of the time I wear garden gloves though. I feel fearless when I wear them! No stings from spiders or biting ants!!

19. Would you like to be alone in the wilderness? No. Hell no.

20. How do you feel about caring for young children?
Since you all know that I babysit for my two grandkids, let me say this-
I love it and I hate it. It's fun and exhausting. We ride bikes and go to the beach for swimming. We go to the library and check out books and go for walks around the neighborhood picking up trash. Rarely do we sit and do nothing. Rainy days are for Netflix and craft making and playing games.
They keep me young. I am honored that my daughter gives me so much leeway with them. It truly feels like I am raising another set of my own kids. But there is so much joy and wonder in these two! I love them!

21. Would you paint your kitchen yellow? Yes! A bright sunny yellow!
Your living room?  Maybe, but it would have to be a softer buttery color. Your car? No

22. How do you feel in Indian Summer (Harvest time)? 
Usually hot and aggravated. It's not cool enough yet, so there isn't any Fall type weather to break the oppressive heat. By Harvest Time, I am done, done, done with Summer temps. I do like the thought of Fall approaching. I get all giddy thinking about the cool nights and rainy days to follow.



23. When have you felt that the rug was pulled out from under you?
Again...back when I got fired in 2009. As unhappy as I was at that job, my firing came as a complete surprise and a shock. It rendered me useless for a long time. I realize now that afterwards I had become depressed because of it but that is just because hindsight is 20/20. It wasn't until a year later that I realized I had been working in a toxic environment and by being fired they had done me a huge favor.

That's it for today!
Thanks for reading,
Love, Lolly

Milk and cake

13. If you are a woman, how do you feel about your breasts?
There's a joke that says..My wife used to have great breasts, now she only has the sacks they came in.
And there you have it.

14. Were you breastfed?  No.
*How do you feel when you watch a child being breastfed?
I could never do it myself, the thought of it curled my toes.  But both of my daughters breast fed their children and it didn't bother me a bit. They were discreet about it, not like that woman at our Public Library who whipped out her boob in front of a room full of four year olds and latched junior on. I get it that it's natural and all that rot, but it disturbed me to see her breast feed right there in front of a room full of kids and strangers.

15. Do you enjoy sweets?
Yes. Cake is my downfall. I love it. I also love dark chocolate, Cherry Crumble with whipped cream and an Apple/Pear Crisp that I make and serve warm with vanilla ice cream. (recipe below)



16. How is your digestion? 
Getting crankier the older that I get. Dairy is hard to tolerate as is any kind of fast food.

17. What makes you nauseated?
Watching boxing or seeing any kind of physical fighting, animal cruelty, the smell of garbage cans in the hot summer sun, being spun around or being on any carnival rides, even swinging on a swing set makes me dizzy and nauseated.

*What makes you vomit?
Too much alcohol or the stomach flu

Happy Sunday!
Thanks for reading,
Love, Lolly

**addendum for the recipe below-
I use Gala Apples and Bartlett Pears for this dish and I don't wait for it to cool too much before we eat it.  It's lovely when topped with vanilla ice cream and served warm. Let me know if you try it.

Easy Apple and pear Crisp by Chowhound

• 1 medium Granny Smith apple, peeled, cored, and sliced 1/4 inch thick
• 1 medium Gala apple, peeled, cored, and sliced 1/4 inch thick
• 2 medium Bosc pears, peeled, cored, and sliced 1/4 inch thick
• 2 to 3 tablespoons granulated sugar
• 3/4 teaspoon ground cinnamon
• 1/2 teaspoon fine salt
• 1/2 cup packed light brown sugar
• 1/2 cup uncooked rolled oats
• 1/3 cup all-purpose flour
• 4 tablespoons cold unsalted butter (1/2 stick), cut into small pieces, plus more for coating the dish

1. 1Heat the oven to 350°F and arrange a rack in the middle. Lightly coat an 8-by-8-inch baking dish with butter.
2. 2Combine the apples, pears, granulated sugar, cinnamon, and 1/4 teaspoon of the salt in a large bowl and toss to coat the fruit. Place the mixture in the prepared baking dish and set aside.
3. 3Using the same bowl as for mixing the fruit, mix together the brown sugar, oats, flour, and remaining 1/8 teaspoon salt until evenly combined. With your fingertips, blend in the butter pieces until small clumps form and the butter is well incorporated, about 2 minutes.
4. 4Sprinkle the topping evenly over the apples and pears and bake until the streusel is crispy and the fruit is tender, about 50 to 60 minutes. Let cool on a rack for at least 30 minutes before serving.

Nurture, Nature and Nourish

5. Are you able to nurture others?
I think so.
I think I do.
Usually it's through making food or feeding my family. I love putting just the right ingredients together to make something new and exciting or even when I am making the old stand-bys, it gives me pleasure knowing that the family will be glad to see that I've prepared a favorite dish.
I try to spiritually nurture my family but truthfully, most days,
I'm too aggravated to stay calm enough to feel the peace of Jesus for myself,
let alone show it to others.
If you want me to be really truthful here, I think it's my anxiety that is causing me to feel angry and aggravated.

6. How do you take care of yourself?
I've learned to ask for a few minutes of peace and quiet.
I'm teaching myself to meditate and using calming breathing techniques.
I'll go outside and putter around in my gardens.
Sometimes I'll go shopping or take a leisurely walk around the block.
A bubble bath with my praise music in my ear buds works wonders for my poor battered soul too.


7. Do you care for others at your own expense?
Not usually. Or should I say not anymore. I used to feel guilty if I didn't scrub and clean and have every bit of housework done at the end of the day. I always felt like I had to give an accounting of my time. Then one day I just stopped doing things and no one said anything. So I slowed my pace and now I do certain things on certain days and it works much better for all concerned. Sometimes I let the grandkids get the better of me. But that is usually my own fault. They are like gremlins. Don't feed them after dark and don't get them wet. haha.  If I've fed them too much sugar or allowed them to go unchecked in their behaviours all day, then really, who should I blame? Them?
Not if I'm the one who allowed it to happen.


8. How much do you worry?
Too much. I guess I've always worried. Mostly about things I have no control over. I can remember as a small child being worried during thunderstorms, or worried that when my parents went out for the evening they wouldn't make it back home, or that one time when my dad,who was an electrician, didn't came home from work and no one knew where he was.
(Grandpa was a deputy sheriff so he went out and searched for him, eventually
finding dad who had fallen from the top of a telephone pole and lay injured on the ground.)
I worry about the grandchildren to the point of distraction.
I worry that they will get sick or injured or...worse.
I worry about my little dog getting sick and dying.
I worry about Tornadoes.
I worry about our country and the hate and divisiveness I see.


9. Do you feel too fat? Too thin?
In my teens and my early adult life I weighed 100 pounds.
People would comment that I was too thin.
"Eat something", they would say.
I do eat, I would reply. I was smug enough to say "I just have a good metabolism!"
Then at 50 I hit menopause. And all bets were off.
Everything in my closet was a size 5/6.
I blew up to size 12, but felt uncomfortable with that girth, so I would wear a size 14 to try and camouflage the weight gain.
I weighed 157 pounds and had no idea where it had all come from.
I felt bloated and sweaty and I hated the feeling of wearing clothes that touched my skin.
I suddenly understood the need for Moo-Moos, or sweat pants and huge T-shirts.
Wearing bras and underwear nearly drove me mad! I hated the tightness.
I hated the rolls on my body.  I hated that number on the scale. I hated the way I looked and felt.
I was embarrassed for him to see me naked, so I didn't let him.
Soon other things stopped happening too. I never stopped thinking about the weight gain.
I was embarrassed to be seen at the grocery store, or to have my picture taken.

After a few years the weight started to come back off. I started eating better, cut back on portion size, cut out the junk food and the fast food and I cut down on the amount of wine I had been guzzling.
I was drinking close to 3 glasses a night for a while there. I'm down to one glass a week now.
I feel like I look better and I feel better about myself.
If you're interested, I now weigh 130 pounds and wear a size 10.


10. Do you overeat or eat when you are not hungry? If so why?
On occasion I will overeat, but it's not the norm. I only overindulge because it tastes good.
 If I'm anxious or worried I don't (can't) eat at all. Sometimes I eat when I'm bored, but then I realize it's because I am bored that nothing really satisfies me. I've learned the trick that your body can't tell the difference if you want food or water, but 9 out of 10 times it's usually water that it needs.

11. Do you eat foods that really satisfy you?
Yes. I rarely eat junk food. Most of it has MSG in it and that stuff makes me feel sick.

12. Do you enjoy eating?
Yes. Except I no longer eat at most fast food joints. I can't eat that crap anymore. I am sick for days with a bellyache if I eat at the golden arches or that kentucky chicken place, or tacos...blech!

Does any of this resonate with any of you?

Thanks for reading,
Love, Lolly

What on Earth??

The next 35 questions in the book titled Plant, Spirit, Medicine are from the chapter Earth.
Here is what it says on page 97...

From our first day to our last, we conduct an intimate relationship with Mother Earth through our mouths. As an organ of eating, our mouth is an extension of our stomach, and so our stomach keeps us connected to Mother Earth. Most people nowadays are aware that what goes into the stomach can either support health or tear it down. Are we also aware that the mind has a stomach that must be properly fed? How nutritious was your mental diet today? A well-filled stomach brings contentment, and a contented person is not envious, greedy, or competitive. A contented person does not feel superior or inferior and has no need to measure up to others. Contentment brings gratitude and the ability to sympathize. Did your mental diet bring you contentment today? 
Did you feed yourself on understanding and brotherhood or stress and violence?


Questions Earth and You-
When you are really hungry, take your favorite food to a pleasant place in nature.  Give thanks and eat your food slowly. Note how it feels in your mouth and stomach. Pay attention also to how your surroundings make you feel. 
Then consider the questions below. 
Chew them, digest them, and answer them from your gut. 
By answering these questions, you can taste your relationship to the element Earth.

1. How do you feel about your mother?
Mixed feelings here.   As a child she was my everything. I followed her everywhere. When she went to the bathroom, I would sit outside the door and wait for her to finish. I went home for lunch most days when I was in grade school. I always thought she was lonely. She wasn't, but I thought she was.
It took me 50 years to realize that some of the things she did to me as a small child would be considered abusive nowadays.
Truly it didn't feel so at the time. In retrospect it sure as hell does.
She mocked me when I would cry. And I cried all the time. She'd sing Charlie Prides song Cry Baby to me in a loud and overly dramatic voice. I used to feel humiliated when she sang that but I didn't know what the emotion was as the time.
I can only describe it as wanting to hang my head and feeling all alone in the world and hurting more because she didn't help me when I was sad.
She never helped me figure out how to overcome the hurt that caused the tears.
She let my brothers and sisters mock me...I had difficulty with my speech as a child and couldn't say the letter R.
Every day they taunted me..Say Richard Rabbit Ran on a Raft.
Wichard Wabbit Wan on a Waft.
I had buck teeth so they called me Bucky Beaver. I used to hold my hand over my mouth when I laughed so as not to give them any ammunition for later.
When I would tattle and cry because they were teasing me she would tell me I was too sensitive and that I needed to develop a tougher skin.
"Toughen Up!"  She'd tell me. "Stop wearing your heart on your sleeve".
 "They only tease you because they know they can make you cry".
As if it was somehow MY fault for their teasing me.
I didn't know how to make them stop teasing me. To this day I don't know what I could have or should have done to make them stop. The only option I was given was to develop a thicker skin.

Fast forward to 1994 and as my father lay dying her emotional abuse towards me resurfaced.
And resurfaced again in 2008 as my sister lay dying.
A mother doesn't say the things she said to me.
A mother shouldn't say those things.
I truly believe she would have traded my life for either one of theirs, if she could've.
As an adult I had to wonder what it was about me that made her think she could use me as her emotional punching bag.
I'm guessing it's because I still have that thin skin and I still wear my heart on my sleeve.

While our relationship today is not perfect and loving, it is also not fractured.
I talk to her a few times a week. She doesn't call me however, I have to call her.
When she is invited over for dinner, she arrives promptly on time, eats and leaves.
There is no spending quality time together or hanging out and talking.
And she always takes her dessert home with her in a Tupperware container, to eat later.

So- to answer the question, How do I feel about my mother? It's complicated.

2. How do you feel about your home?
It's over one hundred years old. It needs a lot of maintenance and upkeep, but I am comfortable here.
I wish we could win the Lottery. I'd love to paint all the rooms and get the hardwood floors redone. A lot of the electricity is older too. I'd love to get the whole house rewired. Our field stone basement leaks a little bit too. And we desperately need new carpeting in our bedroom.
But all in all, I like this house. It feels like home.

3. What makes you feel secure? Insecure?
*Secure-                                                                               
Jesus is only a whisper away.                                             
Cupboards full of food.                                                       
Bills paid and current.                                                           
His truck pulling in the driveway at 5:00pm                       
Not being laughed at or made fun of.                                 

*Insecure-
Overspending money.                                   
Thunderstorms and Tornado's.
Meeting people for the first time.
Small Talk.
djt and his reign of terror.

4. Do you feel people understand you? No. I don't believe they do.


That's it for today,
Thanks for reading,
Love, Lolly