What on Earth??

The next 35 questions in the book titled Plant, Spirit, Medicine are from the chapter Earth.
Here is what it says on page 97...

From our first day to our last, we conduct an intimate relationship with Mother Earth through our mouths. As an organ of eating, our mouth is an extension of our stomach, and so our stomach keeps us connected to Mother Earth. Most people nowadays are aware that what goes into the stomach can either support health or tear it down. Are we also aware that the mind has a stomach that must be properly fed? How nutritious was your mental diet today? A well-filled stomach brings contentment, and a contented person is not envious, greedy, or competitive. A contented person does not feel superior or inferior and has no need to measure up to others. Contentment brings gratitude and the ability to sympathize. Did your mental diet bring you contentment today? 
Did you feed yourself on understanding and brotherhood or stress and violence?


Questions Earth and You-
When you are really hungry, take your favorite food to a pleasant place in nature.  Give thanks and eat your food slowly. Note how it feels in your mouth and stomach. Pay attention also to how your surroundings make you feel. 
Then consider the questions below. 
Chew them, digest them, and answer them from your gut. 
By answering these questions, you can taste your relationship to the element Earth.

1. How do you feel about your mother?
Mixed feelings here.   As a child she was my everything. I followed her everywhere. When she went to the bathroom, I would sit outside the door and wait for her to finish. I went home for lunch most days when I was in grade school. I always thought she was lonely. She wasn't, but I thought she was.
It took me 50 years to realize that some of the things she did to me as a small child would be considered abusive nowadays.
Truly it didn't feel so at the time. In retrospect it sure as hell does.
She mocked me when I would cry. And I cried all the time. She'd sing Charlie Prides song Cry Baby to me in a loud and overly dramatic voice. I used to feel humiliated when she sang that but I didn't know what the emotion was as the time.
I can only describe it as wanting to hang my head and feeling all alone in the world and hurting more because she didn't help me when I was sad.
She never helped me figure out how to overcome the hurt that caused the tears.
She let my brothers and sisters mock me...I had difficulty with my speech as a child and couldn't say the letter R.
Every day they taunted me..Say Richard Rabbit Ran on a Raft.
Wichard Wabbit Wan on a Waft.
I had buck teeth so they called me Bucky Beaver. I used to hold my hand over my mouth when I laughed so as not to give them any ammunition for later.
When I would tattle and cry because they were teasing me she would tell me I was too sensitive and that I needed to develop a tougher skin.
"Toughen Up!"  She'd tell me. "Stop wearing your heart on your sleeve".
 "They only tease you because they know they can make you cry".
As if it was somehow MY fault for their teasing me.
I didn't know how to make them stop teasing me. To this day I don't know what I could have or should have done to make them stop. The only option I was given was to develop a thicker skin.

Fast forward to 1994 and as my father lay dying her emotional abuse towards me resurfaced.
And resurfaced again in 2008 as my sister lay dying.
A mother doesn't say the things she said to me.
A mother shouldn't say those things.
I truly believe she would have traded my life for either one of theirs, if she could've.
As an adult I had to wonder what it was about me that made her think she could use me as her emotional punching bag.
I'm guessing it's because I still have that thin skin and I still wear my heart on my sleeve.

While our relationship today is not perfect and loving, it is also not fractured.
I talk to her a few times a week. She doesn't call me however, I have to call her.
When she is invited over for dinner, she arrives promptly on time, eats and leaves.
There is no spending quality time together or hanging out and talking.
And she always takes her dessert home with her in a Tupperware container, to eat later.

So- to answer the question, How do I feel about my mother? It's complicated.

2. How do you feel about your home?
It's over one hundred years old. It needs a lot of maintenance and upkeep, but I am comfortable here.
I wish we could win the Lottery. I'd love to paint all the rooms and get the hardwood floors redone. A lot of the electricity is older too. I'd love to get the whole house rewired. Our field stone basement leaks a little bit too. And we desperately need new carpeting in our bedroom.
But all in all, I like this house. It feels like home.

3. What makes you feel secure? Insecure?
*Secure-                                                                               
Jesus is only a whisper away.                                             
Cupboards full of food.                                                       
Bills paid and current.                                                           
His truck pulling in the driveway at 5:00pm                       
Not being laughed at or made fun of.                                 

*Insecure-
Overspending money.                                   
Thunderstorms and Tornado's.
Meeting people for the first time.
Small Talk.
djt and his reign of terror.

4. Do you feel people understand you? No. I don't believe they do.


That's it for today,
Thanks for reading,
Love, Lolly