Sharing the struggle

Feb. 8th
Share something you struggle with

Yesterday it was hard to think of 10 songs that I am loving right now.
Today's prompt  wasn't as much of a challenge....sigh

 We lost all of our couple friends after my husband stopped drinking. While they all continued going to bars or getting together for drinks at each other houses, we stayed home by ourselves. It was one of those occasions where you realize who your true friends are. It appears now that we didn't have any true friends. Not one of them has called or inquired about his welfare or mine for that matter. I found new friends in Alanon but he wanted nothing to do with those people. He went to AA for 2 weeks and then never again. I tell you that because he still wears that chip on his shoulder. He is still sober, he is still "dry" and I thank GOD for that every day, but he never "got" the program and I think that would have gone a long way towards him, us, finding new friends. It would be lovely to find new friends to go out to dinner with or to play card games at each others houses or to go on vacation with. We do do all of those things with our grown kids and my sister and her husband and we've gone out once with my husbands boss and his wife (that story is here). My day is spent around small kids and I crave adult companionship but again, I struggle with that small talk thingy and it feels painful and strange to meet new people. I cannot tell you how many times I have said the wrong thing at the wrong time. I blurt out things that are nobody's business or things that are awkward or stupid. It embarrasses me and them. I chastise myself all the time..."Why do you SAY those things?"
Last year I tried making a friend with one of my grandsons friends mother. She was considerably younger than me but that was not a problem. The problem was that she had 4 children under the age of 5 and one time she made mention to me that they would have as many children as the Lord gave them. I gaped at her for a second and then said-
 " Ha! We had 4 kids under the age of 5 at one time and I learned that the Good Lord wouldn't mind if I told my husband  NO! or to Get off of me just this once."
She hasn't spoken to me since then. Not one word. In fact I see her avoiding me at school now. Maybe I should start telling people that I have Tourette's syndrome.

It seems silly to say that I struggle with loneliness but I do.
I have so many other things to be grateful for that it feels wrong somehow to complain about not having friends.  What's that old saying... If you want to make a friend, be a friend?
It seems I've forgotten how to find and make friends in the real world.

I don't mean to sound pathetic. I'm really ok with it most days. There are just some days where it feels like I struggle with the loneliness.

Thanks for reading,
Love, Lolly