The ebb and flow

I clean the house and feel excitement flow through me....Christmas is coming.
Jesus' birthday, presents for the kids, time spent with family.

I wake at 2am with a stomach ache and the gladness ebbs out.
I can't sleep so I will sit here in the dark and worry about a gut ache.

I wrap presents for the grandkids and the Christmas excitement returns;
Only to ebb back out again as my back cramps and my knees ache from kneeling on the floor, in the middle of a large pile of presents and gift wrap, for far too long.

In April I inherited my sisters Amish style cupboard. I don't know anything about the cupboards history but it smells old inside, like an antique store. The hinges creak and the wood shows some wear but I love it. It reminds me of my sister and I'm glad to have it.
It has sat in the garage since last year because we had no room for it, well, not really no room, just that we needed to rearrange and get rid of some other furniture first.
We got 9 inches of snow this past weekend and 8 inches of snow the weekend before that.
I tell you that because this cupboard was stored in front of our snowblower in the garage and we couldn't get the blower out without moving the cabinet first, so that is why the cabinet is now in the house.
It's been standing in the middle of the living room for a week now.
Blocking the flow of traffic and partially blocking  the view of our Christmas tree.

At 7:30 Sunday night, after cleaning the house and doing laundry all day and then wrapping presents for 5 hours I was ready for bed.
That's when he decided he wanted the cabinet moved into the kitchen.
Crap.
We moved it and now the cabinet is in the kitchen and it doesn't look all that great. It's wider than I thought. Bigger too.
And the stain on the cupboard is darker than the stain on the kitchen cabinets.
Crap crap.
Maybe I just need to get used to it being there, to seeing it there.
Maybe it'll grow on me.
Maybe I can fill it up with all the junk and clutter from around this house and never have to open the doors of this cupboard again.

Up, down, back, forth, in, out, high, low, ebb and flow.
It surprises me how quickly I can go from one to the other.

Most of my issues are first world problems, I know.
Should I use the red paper with holly or the blue paper with snowflakes?
Kneeling in the middle of a large pile of gifts purchased for our grandchildren.
Sometimes a stomach ache is from the fact that I ate too much at dinner.
I own too much clutter and need to get rid of it instead of hiding it in my sisters cupboard.

I didn't start out writing this post as a lament. But that is what it has turned into.
Somewhere on the internet I read that people who feel too much are called Empaths.
The news is frightening and I cannot watch it. And yet I have.
People are starving and dying and fleeing through the dark and the rubble.
While I complain that my knees ache from kneeling on the floor.

In the town next to ours, a car was stolen from a grocery store parking lot.
Left inside that car was the family's tiny little Chihuahua.
It was all over the news.
The weather was slated to turn sharply colder with temps well below zero at night.
Two days passed. No sightings, no updates, no car, no dog.
The family just wanted their dog back- no questions asked.
It disturbed me greatly. I knew what could happen to a Chihuahua abandoned and out in the cold.
Please God, I prayed. Please bring this dog home. Please! Please let him be found alive.

A man out for a walk with his own dog found the Chihuahua shivering and alone on a bike path on the third day. The car thieves had indeed left him off somewhere, to battle the elements on his own.
He was alive! He was unharmed. He was returned to his owners.
I thanked God and cried tears of joy.
I think we all could use a bit of a Christmas miracle sometimes.

This little miracle didn't alter the course of the world.
Or maybe it did.
All I know is that it lifted my spirits and gave me a sense of all was right in the world again,
if only for that one small moment in time.

(This post is rambling and I apologize for that.)


Wishing you all a Merry Christmas and a very Happy new Year!

Thanks for reading!
Love, Lolly

write what you see

12/07/16

I found this amazing quote-

Write what you see
Fear not;
Write what you have seen

I have no idea who wrote it but when I read it the very first time it almost knocked me over.
In my head I heard a loud resounding YES!
Yes! Write what you see! Write what you have seen!
So with that in mind, today I will write what I see.

We live on a fairly busy street so I see cars and buses and trucks driving past our house all day long.
Where are all these people going I sometimes wonder to myself.
To work? Do they hate their job? Love it? Is today their first day? Or maybe their last? Will they get that promotion they wanted? Will they get a nice Christmas bonus? Will they get fired or layed off?
To school? Did they have to scream at the kids 10 times today to brush their teeth and get their shoes on? Did they remember to pack lunch money and mittens and tissues and homework? Did they breathe a sigh of relief as they pulled away from the drop off zone, the car quiet once more?
The grocery store? Just for a couple of things...hahaha, because they always come out of the store with a lot more than they intended? Do they realize that some people are going hungry today and what a huge blessing it is that they can afford to overspend on snacks and cookies and extra meat for the freezer? Did they see the Salvation Army bell ringer out front of the store freezing his butt off in his too thin Santa suit?
Library?  What book are they hoping to check out? What book  are they returning? What book are they searching for? Cooking techniques? Flower gardens? Better relationships? How to remodel the rec room? Poetry by Luci Shaw? God?
Post Office? Mailing Christmas cards? The final car payment? An overdue light bill with the hopes that their service won't be turned off during the upcoming holidays? Picking up packages sent from Aunt Sue even though it contains the same type of ugly, scratchy sweaters every single year, and they hate them? Dropping off their own packages to be mailed to the grandkids that live in Arizona and they miss those grandkids more than words can say?
Dr. appointments? Are they sick? Are they well? Are they afraid? Are they elated?

(In case you were wondering, I am the person at the library searching for poetry by Luci Shaw. The rest of the questions and people above are hypothetical.)


We had 5 inches of snow fall on Sunday. Most of it is melting off of the roof today and it is dripping down the window, which means icicles will form later tonight.
They're predicting 4-8 inches of snow will fall this coming Saturday night.
I can see our Christmas tree lights glowing. It reminds me that I really need to get started on my Christmas shopping. We went looking for gifts last Saturday and came home sorely disappointed with nothing to show for our 4 hours of shopping.
Maybe we will have better luck shopping online through Amazon.

I can see that it has taken me 3 hours to type this much. Time to get a move on with my day.

Thanks for reading,
Love  Lolly

Song of Praise

Let Wonder Have Its Way With Me

O God, your gracious Spirit
moves over the mysteries of living and dying
and is strangely present to me
in the falling leaves,
the call of wild geese,
a child's birth,
the light in a friend's eyes,
the sudden lifting of the heart,
and the deep longing which brings me to you now.
Make me aware of your presence
that wonder may have its way with me,
my passion be released,
my confidence renewed in the depths of your holiness
until, for a moment,
my longing for you be fulfilled
and I know I am really free
to share bread and intimacy,
to laugh and exchange mercy,
to be at ease in my struggles,
bold in my loving,
brave in facing down my terror,
hopeful in the rising music of your kingdom,
joyful in my living,
and graceful in my life becoming
a song of praise ever sung to you.

— Ted Loder in Guerrillas of Grace

Perspective

November 28, 2016

Every morning I read a devotional titled Jesus Calling by Sarah Young.
This morning at 6:30am, I rushed through it like I usually do.

Jesus Calling Devotion For November 28-
Rest in the deep assurance of My unfailing Love. Let your body, mind, and spirit relax in My Presence. Release into My care anything that is troubling you, so that you can focus your full attention on Me. Be awed by the vast dimensions of My Love for you: wider, longer, higher, and deeper than anything you know. Rejoice that this marvelous Love is yours forever!

The best response to this glorious gift is a life steeped in thankfulness. Every time you thank Me, you acknowledge that I am your Lord and Provider. This is the proper stance for a child of God: receiving with thanksgiving. Bring Me the sacrifice of gratitude, and watch to see how much I bless you.

Then I jumped right on into my daily routine.

Bed made, laundry gathered,  lunch made for my son, cat box cleaned, garbage and recycles taken out, folded a load of clothes, prepared for the grandkids arrival- ie: making sure the toy room was orderly, wiped down their little table with a clorox wipe, made them their chocolate milk, set out bowls and spoons for cereal.

It doesn't sound like a lot but I feel like I run my tail off until they get here, and then when they do get here, I run some more ;)

It's true. I make them breakfast, comb their little bed heads, help them to brush their teeth and wash their faces, make sure back packs are ready to go and then we walk my grandson to school.

Last week we decided to take our little girl Chihuahua with us for our daily walk to school because she seems lonely since brother Chihuahua is no longer with us.

So...as I was waiting for the grandkids to get here I received a text from my daughter- the one who just had a baby 2 months ago.

She also reads the Jesus Calling devotional. She texted that today's reading was just what she needed to hear today. She is scheduled for an ultrasound today to determine if she'll need a hysterectomy. She is still actively bleeding after 10 weeks post partum.  She cannot have any more children due to the placenta accretta she developed during her second pregnancy and she's understandably upset about this. It's hard to be thankful and praise Jesus for something like that.  

Anyway... like I said I earlier I was racing through my morning and after getting her text I stopped and reread todays reading...slower this time. I read it and reread it again, finally seeing the words that I should have seen in the first place if I hadn't been in such a hurry to get the reading done with.
The last sentence really spoke to me.

            Bring Me the sacrifice of gratitude, and watch to see how much I bless you.

Lately I've found myself to be complaining and grouchy. It's then I realize that I haven't been practicing my gratitude very much. So before I hit publish on this post I reread it to look for typos and that's when I really see my words and that's when I hear what I really needed to hear today.

If I read between some of those lines I can see so much that I have to be thankful and grateful for.

So here's my list for today-

1. Jesus Calling by Sarah Young

2. I can read

3. I can rest

4. My body

5. My mind

6. God's presence

7. My bed

8. Laundry to wash, dry and fold

9. My new dryer

10. My old washer

11. Food in the fridge

12. My son

13. His cat

14. Garbage service

15. Grandkids

16. Toys

17. Chocolate milk

18. Brushes and combs

19. Toothpaste

20. Back packs

21. Walking to school

22. Our girl Chihuahua

23. 14 happy years with Our boy Chihuahua who is no longer ill or suffering

24. Our caring Veterinarian

25. Texting with my daughter

26. No Hysterectomy needed yet

27. Ultra sound machines

28. Her OB/Gyne health care team

29. Maxi pads

30. God's unfailing love for me

Pretty awesome stuff, right?

Thanks for reading,
Love Lolly

Laying low

As I curl up on my couch, mourning the loss of my dog, I've taken to rereading some poetry and listening to music that is soothing to my soul. I so appreciate your lovely comments to me during this sad time in my life. As I look back and reflect, I can see that I have had it a bit rough these last 6 months. My husband had surgery in July and was home for 8 weeks. My daughter had a hysterectomy, also in July. The surgeons father had passed away that very same morning. Our AC went out and the fridge conked out the week after their surgeries. My lap top fried and I lost 4 years worth of pictures. In September my other daughter had a traumatic labor and delivery of her second child. She could have died. They both could have. Then my granddaughter stopped going to the bathroom and it took 15 days to fix her while giving her an adult dose of a medicine that has questionable, worrisome side effects. Add to all of that stress the presidential election and the debates and the awful attack ads had on our country, along with the awful outcome and I think you might have the beginnings of a mental breakdown. Two weeks ago my little 14 year old dog got sick, rallied for a day or two and then worsened. He died yesterday. 
I feel like I cannot breathe due to the grief and anxiety I am experiencing. 
I have no appetite and I am constantly tired and on edge. Is it any wonder???
I found the following on Carrie Newcomer's Facebook page this morning and it made my eyes tear up.

Today we do what we have always done. 

We take care of one another and try to be the best people we know now to be.
Today I grieve what feels like a death, a deep and abiding loss. 

I know that it will take time for the world to feel safe again. 

Today we take sanctuary. 

We gather and remember what is fine, beautiful, true, whole and sacred.
I encourage everyone to take time today to call someone you love, walk in the woods, hug your children, listen to music and read poetry. 

These fine and true things have not gone away, they are still here, grounding us and showing us how to keep moving forward.
Love is the long view. Love will always be the final word.
Today we honestly live out our grief, sadness and fear, but then we choose love.
Again, we choose love.
Again, we choose love.
All my life, again and again, I will choose love.

Be kind to yourself and one another.
Take Sanctuary and Yes, We Can Do This Hard Thing. 

I'm trying real hard to be gentle with myself for the next few days. I'll be back. But I'm thinking a good dose of peace and quiet is exactly what I need right now. 

Thanks for your heartfelt comments. I love you ladies.

Love, Lolly

Pausing

I thought I liked to post when I'm sad but I guess not. I'm mourning the passing of my little dog. I feel wrecked and sadder than I thought possible. I'm doing ok...as well as can be expected. I'll be back in a while. Just need time to process his passing. Thanks for the kind responses on Facebook. I love you girls.
Lolly

I voted early

I'll add my two cents and do a blog post about election day and facing the future.
I admit that today has been filled with anxiety for me.
But it's not because of the candidates, although I do intensely dislike one of them and I will freak out if that candidate is elected!
I realize that lately I've been wrestling with anxiety. A lot.

It started when my daughter had a traumatic birth back in September.
Then my 3 year old granddaughter stopped pooping and didn't have a BM for 10 days. She was put on Miralax and it STILL took her 5 days to go potty.
Add to that the presidential debates and the biased media reports and the election attack ads on TV.
I got sick myself in the middle of all of that with a head cold and a sore throat.
Then my husband got a virus and was sick with body aches, and extreme fatigue for a week.
We found lumps in one dogs neck and near another dogs breastbone.
Trips to the vet cost us nearly $400.00 but the lumps turned out to be simple salivary glands and a harmless fatty tumor to keep an eye on.
Then our 14 year old Chihuahua got bit by a spider near his mouth and his face swelled. Back to the vet for steroids and benadryl.
Two days after that he developed a Pancreatitis attack with vomiting and bloody diarrhea.

Today feels like doomsday to me. My nerves feel shot.
My grandson has a cold and a cough that will. not. quit.
My granddaughter is still struggling with going potty...it's better but not normal yet.
I am so nervous about this poor old sick dog that I can hardly think straight.
I don't want him to suffer but I don't want him to die either.

I'm hot and sweaty and short tempered. I'm not hungry and I feel like I could sleep til December..
I called my sister so we could pray together. I told her that I've been praying since my daughter had her baby and  I have continued my prayers for sick dogs and grandkids and husband.
But honestly I haven't been praying as much as I have been bossing God around.

Don't let my dog die God. Don't let my daughter or granddaughter die God. Don't let my other grandkids be sick or unhealthy. Please make my grandson stop coughing God.

I'm feeling at a loss and out of control and it scares me. The news scares me.
I want life to go my way and when it doesn't I get all panicky.
My sister and I decided that what we need to do is another Bible study.
Something that keeps us in the word.
Something that reminds us about the love of God.
Something that will have us trusting Him again, singing praises to Him instead of only offering up our worries and prayer requests.

I read this today. It was exactly what I needed to calm my nerves about this stupid election.
It also gave me a bit of a boost in the grace department.
To give my grand kids grace with their illnesses  and potty problems.
To give my husband grace when he is ill or tired or fatigued from his own job and life.
To give myself grace for being a worry wart and for being short tempered and testy.

For remembering to post my gratitude for this week-

I voted last week so I wouldn't have to go to the polls today with the grand kids in tow.
The dog is a little better after giving him his meds (but I'm still worried)
My grandson has coughed a million times since I sat down to type this.
My granddaughter stood behind me and brushed my hair the whole time I  typed this.
This morning we made 3 dozen cookies together.
I harvested my Thyme, Lemon Thyme and Lemon Verbena and dried it for winter storage.
Next week I'll harvest the Lavender.
I made a batch of cucumbers and dill for my husbands lunch.
Today it is sunny and 60 degrees. (They predicted rain)
Outside my window the trees are glowing gold and orange.
I have a sister that prays with me and for me when I call her filled with anxiety.

I'm praying that this election goes smoothly. My nerves could use a break.

Thanks for reading,
Love Lolly

What brings you deep joy?

On Instagram I saw this writing prompt that asked the question
What brings you deep joy?
And so, since I stated in my last post that I wanted to start writing down the good things that I find in my life, I figured that was a great topic for me to start off with.

So...What brings you deep joy?

Here's my partial list-

That first sip of coffee in the morning
Answered Prayer. You might be amazed at how often this happens to me.
Jesus and His Mercy, Grace and Light in my life
The sound of our pets eating...I love when I can hear them crunch their kibble
The feel of flannel sheets when it's freezing cold outside
Homemade Chicken Noodle Soup
Impending Snowstorms or Blizzards (as long as we are prepared for it)
Rainy gray Mondays in November
The smell of Fall-dry leaves, apples, cinnamon & pumpkin spice
The sound and smell of Rain
The icy smell of cold air and tiny Snowflakes
The smell of Books
The indescribable smell of my grand children's heads
The taste of dark Chocolate melting on my tongue
Listening to the roar of the Ocean with my feet in the warm sand*
*(if you listen carefully it is saying Yahweh)
The sight, sounds and smell of Devils Lake, Wisconsin
Sitting behind my husband on our Harley
No piles of dirty laundry on Christmas morning
The birds at  my feeders

That's it for now. Seems like such a short list. I know there's more.
Guess I'll make this a running list and add to it as I go along.

Have a great weekend friends!
Thanks for reading,
Love, Lolly

Writing the good

I read this today and in my head I thought   those could be my exact words!
If you've got nothing better to do today, I encourage you to read her post.

I would like to write like her.
I want to write about how I find God everywhere. And sometimes God finds me.
I've got lists of things that keep me up at night. I'm tired from chasing kids all day.
She says something about how hard it is to find friends at the age of 30.
Honey?  Try finding friends when you're 54.
Sometimes I am so lonely I ache.

And it's true what she says...the words do get in the way.

I think to myself Wow! this would be a great blog post, then promptly forget everything I wanted to write about in the next 5 minutes.

I tried a new recipe from The Pioneer Woman and it turned out fantastic.
Do ya'll really want to read about that??

I'd love to write a post about how pleasant the day was; how cute and adorable were these two kids!
But I yell a lot out of frustration or impatience and that makes us all a little cranky and sad.
They forgive me within minutes...I'm not so good with forgiving myself.

I wish I had a better way with words. Do I wish I was a writer? An Author?
Honestly, no I don't. I couldn't promote a book and go on tour and talk to strangers.
Talk to strangers?!? Are you kidding me?? No way.
But I can write to you guys and you are strangers although you don't feel that way to me.
I appreciate the comments. I appreciate the fact that you read these words of mine.
I am thankful and grateful that you all follow me here on this blog.
It does ease the ache of feeling so alone.

Maybe I'll start writing about the good that I see in my own life every day.
Let me think about that for a bit. I'll get back to you.
Love, Lolly

End of October update

Here's an update for those of you who are reading my blog.
My daughter is well on the road to recovery after having had her baby and feeling better and stronger everyday. A little sleep deprived but at least her iron stores are starting to build back up.
My new granddaughter is perfect and cute and sweet. A real quiet baby-just like her mama was.

Me and my 6 year old grandson have coughs. Today it is wet and blustery and raw outside.
I'd like to keep him home from school today mostly so I don't have to go out in this weather.

My 3 year old granddaughter was put on Miralax and it STILL took her 6 days to poop.
Now she must remain on Miralax for a month to retrain her colon. We will restart potty training after the month is up. At this point it is just such a huge relief that she is going poop again. It's watery due to the Miralax but it's better than her being stopped up. OK...enough of that story.

It's Fall here in Illinois but not too much color change is happening with our trees. We have a lot of green leaves in our area yet. The humidity is still hanging around too. I truly cannot wait for snow and cold.
Yes. I said it. Snow and cold weather.
I'm tired of feeling so warm and being aggravated with this humid weather.

What else?  Let me think a moment....
Yeah, no, I got nothin'.

If I think of anything else I'll fire up the ol' blog and type out another post.
Thanks for stopping by and thanks for reading my blog.
Love, Lolly

October

I find that I post more when there is bad news and/or when I need to vent.
So if I'm not writing here that must mean things are going well for me.
And right now I guess they are!
My daughter is recovering nicely.
My new granddaughter is thriving and gets cuter every day.
I spent all day Sunday and Sunday night with them. My son-in-law had to work his 24 hour shift.
Since it's still painful for my daughter to pick up her 2 year old boy it was my job to do all the lifting and hoisting of children. I loved every minute of my time there. Again I did laundry and made meals and told my daughter to nap. I played with my grandson, I sang, I read books, I said night time prayers with him. In the morning we had breakfast together and it was wonderful to see his sleepy little morning self with bed head. Truly I didn't want to leave.
But it was Monday morning and I knew my other two grandkids would be waiting for me
at 8:00am when I got home.
Also, I knew my house might be a little bit of a disaster when I got home after being gone for 24 hours. When I walked in the first thing I smelled was cat piss. What the??? Why do I smell cat piss??
A sink full of dishes, 3 loads of laundry and pissy floors...how does this happen in 24 hours??

Cooler weather is slowly coming our way. Thank You Jesus!
I've found the older I get the less I am able to tolerate any amount of humidity.
Him and I are making time for ourselves on most weekends by not being so available to babysit.
In the cool fall air it feels great to take a ride on our Harley to see the trees change color.
Our jobs keep us so busy and we've come to realize that we need our down time to recharge.
I used to feel guilty when I would say no to watching them or I wouldn't say no at all and then I'd be resentful. It's probably better to NOT be resentful when watching one's grandchildren.

Anyway...I'm feeling good, I'm feeling happy. I come alive in the colder weather.
I'm not so excited about sweater weather and boots. I'm more excited that I won't be sweating anymore. Well...maybe not AS sweaty anyway.

Sometimes I write a post and don't know how to close it up nicely.
Like this one.
My life is ordinary and regular and amazing and God is with me through it all.
HE answers my prayers and shows me HIS glory in everyday things like nature and sunsets and newborn grandkids.
I am always thankful and grateful to HIM for everything I do and have in this life.
I hope you too know the love of God and experience HIS grace and peace in your life.

Thanks for reading,
Love, Lolly

The new normal

I've been at my daughters house off and on for about 2 weeks now.
We started taking turns staying with her overnight even before the baby was born.
Her blood pressure would be so high at night that it scared us all.
We were all so worried about her having a possible stroke.
She was ordered to bed and that's hard to do when you have an active 2 year old in the house.
So between us and her mother in law we divided the babysitting duties.
When it was my (our) turn my husband would play with and entertain our two year old grandson,  whilst I cared for our grown daughter.
I did dishes, made meals, took out the garbage and recycles, washed, dried and folded laundry.
I changed his poopy diapers, picked up his toys strewn from one end of the house to the other and slept on the floor of his bedroom while he cried through the night for his momma.
Her mother in law (the big jerk) didn't lift a finger when it was her turn other than change his diapers, feed him and put him to bed.
I showed up for my shift on Friday night at 6:00pm after a full day with our other two grand kids.
I found a sink full of dirty dishes, full garbage cans and an explosion of toys everywhere.
All she said was "Bye" and the door slammed behind her.
Tsk...

Since our daughter had that emergency C-section she's been on light duty.
She lost a lot of blood.
The hospital wanted to do a blood transfusion but my daughter and her husband opted to try iron pills and a high iron diet to up her red blood cells. Idiots.
She feels the full brunt of her decision today I can tell you.
She has a had a headache almost constant for two weeks. Her skin color is waxy and pale. She's got a stomach ache from the iron, too many pain killers and then on top of that she is constipated too.
She has no appetite, is getting little sleep due to the presence of the new baby and is still attempting to breast feed. She feels guilty that she can't be active with her two year old son.
She cries. From the hormones, from being tired, from feeling ill, from the OB telling them that they can have no more babies.
After what she's been thru, I find it hard to believe that she would want anymore.
I keep telling her to try and see the wonder of it all, the miracle of it all.
She agrees with me that she should be grateful, and says she is trying to find the joy but she is still sad about the situation.

Her daughter is a dream baby. Undemanding..only crying when hungry or occasionally when her diaper is being changed. She was even quiet during her first bath.
She looks around with those beautiful blue newborn eyes all dreamy like. A perfect rosebud mouth.
Teeny tiny perfect little hands and feet. She is perfectly adorable.
I'm hoping that as the weeks progress and my daughter's strength returns to normal she'll be able to see all of the wonders of this perfect little human being.

We're back to taking turns babysitting on the next few weekends. Her husband has to go to work for a few days next week, so I'll be spending the night there this coming Saturday.
I'm looking forward to it.
To tell you the truth, it feels good to be needed. It feels good to do her dishes and laundry, to tell her to go take a nap, to make lunch and dinner for her, to help her out with the kids.
For now, this is our new normal. I'll take the inconvenience of it and be glad of it.
Because it means they both survived a scary delivery. It easily could have had a very different ending.

Thank You Jesus for listening to all of our prayers.
Thank You Jesus for favors granted.
I am feeling very blessed indeed.

Delaney Rey you're loved more than you will ever know!

Grandchild #4

We have a new grandaughter.
Her birth story is long and difficult and scary.
Along with the Preeclampsia our daughter had Placenta Accreta.
Look it up. Scary, scary shit.
An emergency c-section was done.
He blood pressure went sky high and for a while her kidneys were not working correctly.
She may still need a blood transfusion.
Her hemoglobin needs to do some serious recovery work in order to avoid it.
She did not get a hysterectomy but was told she can no longer have anymore children.
She's been in the hospital since Wednesday and won't be coming home til Sunday.
We are headed over to their house to spend a long weekend and to help care for their 2 year old grandson.
We are thankful and grateful and so very very blessed.
I'll post more when we get home.
Thanks for reading and if it's not too much to ask-
Could you all prayer for my daughter Madelyn and her daughter Delaney.
Love, Lolly

Swearing at GOD

Here's the latest installment on what's becoming my Blog of lamentations.

Tuesday at the OB's office, my pregnant daughter had high blood pressure.
They had her get some blood drawn. The results showed possible Preeclampsia.
They put her in the hospital to observe her for 24 hours then sent her home with an induction date two weeks from now. That will put her at 37 weeks pregnant. I'm ok with that.
I wasn't ok with Tuesday night and worrying about her and her unborn daughter.

In this family every generation has lost a child.
My grandmother lost a daughter who was 19 years old.
My Aunt lost a 3 day old newborn daughter.
My mother lost my sister when my sister was 47 years old.
I lost my own daughter at birth...stillborn.

When my daughter called and said that she had possible Preeclampsia and was going to the hospital I sort of panicked. I felt sick, nervous, worried.
I tried to pray but felt nothing but dread. Would one or both of them possibly die?
I wrung my hands. I paced the kitchen. I stared out the window.
I made Tacos with all of my excess energy and just kept dicing up veggies.
Please God..don't do this, I thought. Don't do this again. Not again.
I threw my knife into the sink and turned my eyes toward the kitchen ceiling,
Staring through it as if I could see right into Heaven and see God himself.
And I yelled out loud "You're NOT gonna do this to me again! You better fucking fix this!"


My three year old granddaughter has been constipated for 5 days.
C.O.N.S.T.I.P.A.T.E.D. !
The poor little deary....Granny has given her prune juice mixed with apple juice for 3 days.
Today when we had no movement yet I switched to straight up prune juice.
Then I went to the drug store and bought children's glycerin suppositories.
What happened when we got home was not a pretty sight.
I'm not sure who yelled louder... her or me.  No! Stop! NO!! Don't!! Stop it! NOOO!!
15 minutes later the only thing she had pooped out was the suppository. Great. Now what?
I decided to leave her be, I don't ordinarily worry so much about her BM's but she was straining and folded in half and severely uncomfortable with a tummy ache, she was clearly miserable, so I gave her a warm bath then offered her more juice and cartoons.
Four hours later the poor poor thing went potty and screamed and whimpered while she did it.

You'd think we would both be happy right now but, eh, not so much.

This morning our girl Chihuahua threw up on our bed. On our comforter.  Twice.
The third time she started retching I put her on the floor where she promptly threw up pink foam.
What the hell is this?
I Googled pink foam vomit dogs and found an explanation that I can live with.
Apparently when dogs throw up they can irritate the lining of their esophagus and that can cause blood tinged foamy vomit. As long as she had no other symptoms I figured she was ok.
She wanted breakfast and ate it all too. Other than being sleepy she does seem to be fine.
I prayed (without swearing) "Please don't let her be sick God."

Also this morning our other Chihuahua woke up and came into the living room with swelling near his eye socket.
His tooth is infected again! Yes...Again! He needs dental work to the tune of $600.
I thought I could maybe avoid having to pay for oral surgery for my 14 year old dog by giving him the Vet prescribed antibiotic.
So now I will be scheduling that procedure...I'm worried that he will die during surgery because of his advanced age.
Please God, don't let him die.


I wonder if God listens to me all day long.
Does He listen while I beg him to not take another child from this family?
Does He listen as I swear at Him through the ceiling?
Doe He listen as I yell at an unwell toddler to PLEASE POOP!
Does He listen as I pray to Him to not let my dogs die?
Is He irritated that I swear at Him one minute then pray for favors the next??

It's been a long week so far and it's only Thursday.
I apologize for always complaining on this blog.
Apparently it is where I do my best processing.
I'll keep updating as life progresses around here.
As always, Thanks for reading.
Love, Lolly

What I lost and then found

My hard drive has been replaced.
$260.00 later and my lap top works again.
I use the term my lap top loosely.
MY  lap top is essentially gone. Not essentially. It IS gone.
I had pictures of our kids and grandkids on my lap top.
Vacations and holidays, birthdays and Harley rides.
The computer guy promised me that he would back up my pics before they switched out the hard drive. He only saved 4 years worth.  4 years of pictures are completely gone. Vanished.
My videos of the grandkids are gone.
Most of my music is also gone. ITunes makes it easy to recover the songs I downloaded thru their app. But all of the other CD's that I've burned over the years are gone.

When I turned on this lap top after we got it home, the first thing I did was cry.
It was, IS, so empty.  No apps, no icons, no favorites, nothing...basically it's.......empty.
I guess I thought it was going to be just like it was but I was sorely mistaken.
I was shocked at it's emptiness. I sat staring at it dumbfounded.
When I checked for the file that the computer guy said was holding all of my saved pictures I was initially happy. Phew! He saved them!
Until I looked at the date of the last file and noticed it said 2012.
2012!?!?  It's 2016! Where are 4 years of pictures??
And right then, for real, I wanted to throw up.
I felt betrayed. Didn't he say he had saved them all? Yes, he did say that.
I closed the lid of this foreign dumb stupid lap top, drank 2 glasses of wine and went to bed.

In the morning, I had no joy about opening this lap top up. Why bother? I thought. It felt like a chore. The fun was gone. My stuff was gone.
I felt bad for being attached to a stupid computer.
Or I felt stupid for being attached to a bad computer.
Whatever...I don't know.

"We need to reinstall the firewall" my husband said. So we did that.
My son helped by reinstalling some of my apps... Facebook, Pinterest, Instagram.
When I tried to print out a copy of the firewall protection I realized that I had no printer connected.
Where in the world did we put that CD that would restore my printer??
I found it by accident in a pile of music CD's. What are the odds that I would find that exact CD for the printer in a pile of old music CD'S??

It was then that I started to notice that I was pouting. Wanting to cry and rail at what I had lost.
What had I actually lost? Pictures? Videos? Music?  A computer?
Could I not find a way to put this in perspective?
Compared to some people I had it made.
I had simply taken the credit card and made an appointment to have my lap top fixed.
No hardship, no deciding if we should buy groceries or pay rent or fix my lap top.
4 years of pictures were actually saved. All of my music on ITunes was saved. That's 173 songs!
I found that restore disc for the printer by mistake. The firewall went in with out a hitch.
I knew all of my app passwords but one. So I only had to come up with one new one.
(Is it just me or is it hard for you guys to think up new passwords too??)

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

I friend I've known since kindergarten was involved in a severe car accident 5 days ago. She's been in a coma since the accident.
On day three of her coma, her 16 year old disabled daughter died unexpectedly.
There are 3 more disabled siblings at home.  Do I really want to cry about pictures missing from my computer?

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

My son went on a solitary vacation. Rock climbing, hiking and camping.
By himself.
I hugged him when he left and asked him to please be careful.
He slipped on some loose gravel while hiking and strained his Achilles tendon and had to come home a day early. If he had stayed he would have been caught in the flooding rains that engulfed the campground where he had been staying.
Slipping on loose gravel while hiking bluffs could have been....I shudder to think about it.
Flooding rains could have washed away his car, him, his supplies...

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

I realized that while I was sitting here lamenting my newly fixed computer, 3 people that I knew had been affected by life altering scenarios.
In 4 weeks I'll have a new granddaughter. My other 3 grandkids are thriving.
Him and I are enjoying doing things by ourselves-riding our Harley, taking pictures, watching movies, walking our dogs.
My son did not slip off that bluff nor get caught in that flooding rain.
No one in my family has been involved in a car accident. There have been no deaths.
Can I , should I, still complain about lost pictures and music?
Suddenly I found myself ashamed to be complaining or pouting or even sad.

There are so many things to be thankful for on a daily basis.
I need to be careful lest I forget this and worry over the loss of stuff.

I'm happy to be back. I've missed you girls.

As always, Thanks for reading,
Love, Lolly

I'll be back- I promise.

I had a long drawn out post ready to go about the awfullness of my grandkids and the end of Summer and grocery shopping on a very hot day.
And then I realized that it was a very angry post about me loosing my shit when its too humid outside.
So... here's what's happening-
My computer is crashing daily. My hard drive has been affected.
Today I am calling the Geek Squad to see if anything can be salvaged.
I'm mostly concerned about saving my blog entries and my photos.
I'll keep up with you guys on Facebook and Instagram.
Say a prayer for me...I'm nervous about this dumb old computer.
Thanks for reading,
Love Lolly

Summer news

My computer turned on today but only after a You need to do a file scan disc letter C warning type of thing appeared  on the screen.
Dread washed over me followed by a hot flash and then a cold sweat.
Yahoo  says it might be an early warning sign of my hard drive going bad. Eek....

I'll type as fast as I can before it seizes up again.

Life is rolling along nicely for us.
My six year old grandson starts first grade next week.
It's been a fun Summer but I am ready for school to start up again.
He says he is excited and nervous about going to a new classroom.
My husband and I went on a couple of Harley rides the past two weekends.
I posted a pic or two on my Facebook account.
Ha! Bad ass indeed, Birdie...your comment made me laugh.
I am so not a bad ass.
And to be truthful I rather like the pic of me and him.
I usually cringe whenever I see a pic of me. All I ever see are my flaws.
My 3 year old granddaughter is starting to potty train. She pees on the potty all day long.
Now we just need to get her to poop on the potty. She is resisting all attempts. sigh...
My daughter is due to give birth to her second child, a girl, in 8 weeks.
This will give us 4 grand kids- 2 boys and 2 girls.

Computer is starting to go out again.
I'll be back

Undoing

My son and his girlfriend have called it quits.
He won't be moving to Arizona after all.
He's sad and she's sad.

My computer has been emptied of everything possible that could be causing the problem.
And still the problem remains. I give up. I am not computer savvy.
I will post when I can.

Tomorrow him and I are taking off for a 3 day mini vacation on the Harley.
I'll be back on Sunday. Hopefully with some great pictures.
I need this break more than I can say right now.

I miss you guys.
I miss posting my own ramblings and I miss reading your stuff too.

School starts for my grandson again in two weeks.
Maybe I can figure out what is causing my computer to act up once I get some free time again.

It's been a busy Summer so far.
I'll try to fill you in when I get back.

Miss you lots,
Love Lolly

Broken

Real quick post.
Something is wrong with my laptop. It's broken.
I don't know if I need a knew one or maybe fix this one.
I'm trying to figure out how to put my blog on my IPhone.
Anybody know if that is even possible?
If I don't post for a while you'll know why...

My heart is broken.
My son got a job in Arizona. He'll be moving in three weeks.
It makes me extremely weepy to think about it.

My body is broken.
I'm sick with a sore throat, body aches and a headache. Blech.

Gratitude List-
1. I'm glad my son got a job.
2. I'm glad he found someone that he loves. (His girlfriend moved there in June)
3. Advil for my headache and sore throat.
4. My IPhone.
5. It's Friday night and we have no plans...Yay!
6. Hot Tea and Honey
7. Chicken Noodle Soup
8. Getting to sleep in tomorrow morning
9. Rain that benefited my garden today
10. The grandkids didn't fight at all today- no hitting or yelling or crying!


Wish me luck with this old laptop.
Thanks for reading,  Love Lolly

(ps- You could friend request me on Facebook or follow me on Instagram.
I've got both of those apps on my phone.
I believe y'all know my real name.
If not let me know in the comments and I'll figure out a way to get it to you.)

Saturday

I bawled all the way home from dropping the grand kids off at their house on Saturday.
I told my husband that it felt like I had just given back my foster children to their real parents.

They are here with me 5 days a week, 8 hours a day, and they only live 3 blocks away from us,
so yes, I am being dramatic.

In my own defense, my 3 year old granddaughter also bawled and cried and yelled NOOOOO
when she noticed it was their street we were driving on.

I thought it was going to be harder on me than it actually was, to have them with us for 4 days.
Now, don't get me wrong...it was stressful and I am as bone tired and weary as I have ever been.
But honestly I think the stress of the A/C and the fridge going out was worse.
I'm still tripping over that damn cooler. (New fridge comes tomorrow! So does the new A/C unit!)
The Summer heat and humidity 'bout drove me crazy though.
Getting them in and out of the car is such a hassle when everything inside the car
feels like a million degrees.
They were such troopers too. Going to Dr. appointments with us and then driving back and forth
to the physical therapy building...that's a hard thing to do when you are 6 and 3 years old.
They got Happy Meals on the day we had to go to both places in the span of 2 hours.

We took them to the local ribfest and let them play games on the carnival midway-
They both won huge blow up floaties and small stuffed animal snakes.
I fed them barbequed chicken and they ate it faster than I could pull it off the bone.
They danced like 2 little fairie sprites on our way back to the car at sunset.

I miss watching them sleep and looking like perfect angels.
I miss seeing their fuzzy little bed heads in the early morning.
When I have them during the day they don't act like perfect angels nor are their heads fuzzy :)

I appreciate all of your comments of support. It lifted me up when I was feeling mighty low.
With that being said, I realize as of late that I haven't been seeing or feeling much gratitude
in my life.So I thought I'd try something here-

For everything I complain or whine about I must find something for which to be grateful for.
So here's my gratitude list for this bright and sunny Monday morning-

1. I woke up healthy, happy and whole.
2. The portable A/C window units are doing a great job of cooling our house.
3. Both my daughter and my husband are healing better and faster than I thought they would.
4. My grand kids are coming back over today and we are going to the beach and then the library.
5. Tomorrow we get a brand new refrigerator and a new central air unit.
6. My gardens are thriving in this heat and humidity...they look amazing and lush and green.
7. My daily devotionals that have been pointing me back towards praising and worshiping Jesus.
    (Sorry Lord, I forget about that when I am stressed)
8. A sister who prays for me and with me.
9. A leisurely morning shower.
10. How wonderful coffee tastes in the morning.
11. A comfy sundress.
12. Tomatoes growing in my garden. Celery too.
13. The smell of Pineapple Sage.
14. Grilled Steak and veggies for dinner last night.
15. My new Steam mop that we got for free with our credit card points.
16. Pictures on Instagram. I love this app

That's it for now.
Thanks for reading!
Love,  Lolly

Venting

I don't want your sympathy. I just want to vent.
The AC went out today. The compressor is seized up.
Also.... today it felt like 91 degrees and my house feels like an oven.
Two days ago the fridge stopped working.
The new one arrives on Monday.
I have a cooler in my kitchen that is pissing me off cuz I keep tripping over it.
A month ago the water heater burned up and was replaced.
Things come in threes, right?? I'm thinking we should be good now.

My husband had shoulder surgery a week ago.
My daughter had a hysterectomy yesterday.
My husband has physical therapy every day for two weeks.
I've had my grandkids for 3 straight days- 24 hrs a day.

I'm tired.
I'm tired of being the family nurse/caregiver.
I'm exhausted.
The dishes keep piling up as does the laundry.
When in the hell am I supposed to get to it???
How did I do this before?

Sitting in hospitals, waiting at Dr's offices, dropping off him at PT...
I'm stretched real thin right now.

Does that sound bad? Do I sound like a jerk because I'm being pulled in too may directions?
It's so hot in my house that it is making me cranky and short tempered.
The grandkids won't eat what I give them for breakfast or lunch. They're hot and cranky too.
They want Popsicles. Fine by me. I pretend that they are made of fruit instead of sugar and dye.

My daughters husband is an actual ass. I dislike him immensely.
He was dirty, drunk and disheveled at the hospital during her surgery.
He was combative and threatening to the staff. He accused them of mistreatment and lying.
I wanted to kill him myself. The ASS!!!

I'm thinking that Tuesday night meetings might still be a good idea for me.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

I sent my husband out for a night with the guys tonight.
Go, I said. Go and enjoy yourself. I hope he has a good time.
I bathed the grandkids, put them to bed, did all the dishes, started the laundry and typed this post.
I could use a break myself. The kids go home tomorrow afternoon.
I bet I miss them once I drop them off.

This sounds like a rambling post, and maybe it is.
All I know is I'm tired and in need of a shower.
I need for someone to NOT need me for just a blessed minute.

I'll keep ya posted. Right now I'm heading to bed.
Things will be better tomorrow I hope.

a quick note

I'm going to use bullet points for this post to see if I can type it faster.

• My husband is having shoulder surgery tomorrow. He will be off of work for 6 weeks. Yikes, he is a terrible patient and I am a cranky nurse. Pray for the both of us.
• 
  
• I've taken the grandkids to the beach twice so far this Summer. They love it! They swim around near the shallow shore like two tiny funny fish! I'd like to see these two as brown as nuts by the time Summer ends. I don't want them to sit inside and watch cartoons all day long. Which is basically what they want to do all day long.
• 
  
• Yesterday I weeded my gardens while the grandkids played outside with Thomas trains. Much crying and fighting ensued as they refused to share with each other. Did I mention that we were in the front yard...on the busy street where we live...where all the drivers in all the cars can witness this crying and not sharing?
• 
  
• I made Chicken Avocado Enchiladas for dinner last night. They were easy and amazing. I got the recipe from Six Sisters Stuff on Pinterest.
• 
  
• I putter around on Pinterest every morning. I pin pictures that I like or recipes or haircuts or garden ideas I want to try out. I used to feel like this was just wasting time. I don't anymore. With the exception of my latest hair cut, most of my pins have brought me nothing but happiness.
• 
  
• Oh! I got my hair chopped off...they call this style a Long Pixie. I hated it for a solid week. Thanks for nuttin' Pinterest.    Today it looks sorta cute tho, so maybe there's hope.
• 
  
• I'm coming up empty looking for a good book to read this Summer. Any ideas?? I'm really not a fan of murder mysteries, but I'll give it a go if it's a good story.
• 
  
• Just so you know I read your blogs daily (or whenever you put up a post). I don't comment mainly because I'm reading on my Iphone and it won't let me comment unless I connect to Google and I don't know how to do that. Sometimes technology befuddles me. If I want to comment then I need to fire up the old laptop. With the two grandkids hanging on me, I usually don't open my computer. I'm afraid of little fingers pressing the delete keys when I'm not looking.
• 
  
• And also...reading blogs on my Iphone is going to make me go blind. The print is soooo tiny.
• 
  
• FYI- Using bullet points did NOT make writing this post any faster.
• 
  
• We're making a craft today. Popsicle sticks and red, white and blue paint, then gluing them  together to make American flags. I'll regret this later. Trust me. I will.
• 
  
• Gotta go, here they come, racing each other down my front sidewalk to see who gets to be first in the door. The loser always cries. I wish they would stop playing this game. 

Thanks for stopping by!

Love, Lolly

This is for you Birdie

School's out for Summer

It surprises me how quickly it came back.
The roaring heat of Summer. (it is only June 8th)
How it makes me so damn irritated.
Simply put I cannot stand to feel warm anymore.
Blow drying my hair makes me sweaty and uncomfortable.
I'm a millisecond away from grabbing the dog shears
and getting rid of these offending locks for good!

I find myself snapping at the grand kids who won't stop arguing!!.
We're all bored and school has been out for precisely 5 days.
They agree on nothing.
Let's take a walk...No! says one.  Let's ride bikes...No! says the other.
They can't agree on a DVD selection either.
Much howling ensues when I try to reason with them that next time they can pick first.

We took two "field trips" last week to Aldi and Walmart.
Why I thought that would be a good idea is beyond me.
They begged for every sweet thing they saw saying -pleasepleasepleasepleaseplease?????
Candy, cookies, fruit snacks, Poptarts, chocolate chip granola bars, cereal with marshmallows, a bag of brown sugar....
That'd be like feeding them rocket fuel...I hurry past that first aisle.
They squabble and fight and torment each other through the rest of the store.
I alternate between cold silent indifference and sweaty angry yelling.

But Hey! What's this???
Could it be that I'm not alone in this Summertime squabbling thing?!?
In Aldi I spot another overwrought mother trying to corral her two young boys.
She is threatening them to keep quiet and to keep their hands to themselves.
Stop fighting she says to them. Get away from that she hollers.
Behave PLEASE she begs them.
Meanwhile my two grand kids are on the dirty floor wrastling with each other like two angry cats.

I touch her on the arm and tell her she's not alone and thanks for making me feel more normal.
She tells me she left two of her four kids at home and that she is scared cuz it's day two of their Summer vacation and she's already lost the battle.

Onto the library we go because of course...why not?!
They split up and run in opposite directions as soon as we get in the door.
I chase my granddaughter first mainly because she is three years old.
He, at six, is more familiar with his surroundings, so I'll get him after I catch her.
Listen we need to stay together, I tell them. We can get books and DVD's and play with legos and trains and ginormous building blocks but we need to stay together!
Soon he sees a friend from school, then another and yet another.
The library is full of children signing up for the Summer reading program.
As we wait our turn in line to do the same, I see one of my grandsons friends
being pulled over to the side of the room by her aggravated mother who starts talking through her gritted teeth non too quietly telling Lindsey to behave or they are going home.
Alex's mother then approaches us to lament that it took them two and a half ours to get dressed and out of the house this morning.
I commiserate with her and tell her of our grocery shopping expedition this morning.

Most days I let myself become defeated with what I feel are my failures at raising this second generation of children. I cannot seem to stop yelling. It feels so much harder and I'm not sure why.
I've done this before, I tell myself. So what is the problem??
They are sweet, wonderful, adorable, regular children.
Why can I not just enjoy them?
Why must they aggravate the hell out of each other??
It feels like so much work on this second week of Summer vacation.
When they get along and play nicely together it works.
It's the fighting and crying that keeps throwing me over the edge.

Whether it's mine or theirs I'm not quite sure yet... haha

Let Me Live Grace-fully 
Thank you, Lord, 
for this season 
of sun and slow motion 
 of games and porch sitting, 
 of picnics and light green fireflies 
 on heavy purple evenings; 
 and praise for slight breezes. 
It’s good, God, 
as the first long days of your creation. 
Let this season be for me 
 a time of gathering together the pieces 
 into which my busyness has broken me. 
O God, enable me now 
 to grow wise through reflection, 
 peaceful through the song of the cricket, 
 recreated through the laughter of play. 
Most of all, Lord, 
let me live easily and grace-fully for a spell, 
 so that I may see other souls deeply, 
 share in silence unhurried, 
 listen to the sound of sunlight and shadows, 
 explore barefoot the land of forgotten dreams and shy hopes, 
and find the right words to tell another who I am. 
A Summer Prayer by Ted Loder in his book of prayers, "Guerrillas of Grace/Prayers for the Battle"





Here's hoping that my next post will not be about my fighting grandchildren.
(I need to find something else to blog about!)

Time flies by

Has it really been a month since I last posted??
Time is flying by in my world.
My grandson has 7 days left of Kindergarten.
That went by way too fast.
My husband left for his annual fishing trip 5 days ago.
He'll be back tomorrow....that also went by too fast, for both of us.
He'd like to stay up there in his Northwoods for a few more days,
And I have been enjoying having the bed all to myself.

This time last year I posted when he left for his trip but it was a much different story.
Last year he left full of anger and stress and anxiety which manifests itself in meanness.
I was glad to see him go.
This year, a week before his trip, I told him that his mania in regards to gearing up for these trips is painful and hurtful to me.
That HE is hurtful and mean to me when he's stressed out and frustrated.
I asked him if he could find another way to get his boat and gear prepped and packed without wrecking me in the process.
I reminded him of the slamming of the door in my face from last year.
He replied  "That was two years ago."
I replied  "No...That was last year."
"Oh"  was all he said.

(Now I feel I must tell you that right at that very moment, that moment when he said it was two years ago, my brain started to smoke. I felt righteous anger and I felt my innards wanting to start on fire. I swear I felt my brain burst into flame. Let me tell you why.  Normally when he's frustrated and rushing and in a manic and a panic trying to get things done he becomes short tempered and snarky and forgetful. I know this about him. It's the way he is. But what he did last year was cruel and unusually mean. I thought it was something he didn't remember doing during a manic episode.
But for him to remember and never attempt to apologize....boy let me tell you. I was stunned.)

Anyway...A week before his trip he started getting things ready.
He packed a little bit of his gear each night. Shopped for supplies one night, rolled and cut rope the next. The night after that he packed his duffel bags, then started loading everything into the car.
Got the boat and the car all gassed up the night before he left.
So on the day of his departure all he had to do was shower, grab his coffee and go.

He left at 7:00am instead of the ungodly hour of 4:00am and I cried as he pulled away.
But this time I wasn't crying because he had hurt me.
This time I was crying because he was going to be gone for 6 days and I was gonna miss him.

Well the six days flew by. I can't believe he's already on his way home!
I worked in my garden a lot while he was gone. Got the patio all ready for Summer. Cleaned out the screened porch. Did 5 loads of laundry on Monday. Went to a memorial service for a friend on Sunday. Attended my second cousins baby shower on Saturday. Went to dinner with my sister on Friday. Went to the local high school on Thursday night and witnessed my niece accept her scholarship to college. Whew! It feels like I've been busy.
Which is a good thing.
It made the time fly by quicker.

I'm so glad that he used my suggestions about packing for this trip.
I'm happy thinking about him coming home instead of the dread I faced last year.

Communication works...Who knew?!?

Duck season

There are times when I have absolutely nothing to say.
Nothing to write about. Nothing I want to share.
I sit in front of my laptop and I hear a humming....a buzzing.
I'm not entirely sure that humming and buzzing isn't coming from inside my head.
The cursor blinks at me. I blink back.
Hum...buzz....

Friends invited us out last night for a free prime rib dinner.
Told us it was a 30th anniversary/raffle type of affair for some company they are familiar with.
It ended up being a banquet room full of duck hunters.
Their were a few wives present but mostly it was paunchy middle-aged and older gentlemen.
Some sporting baseball hats, others dressed in camouflage with beards, loud talkers all of them.
The kind of affair where the booze flows and the stories get told and retold and the laughter feels forced as do the smiles pasted on the faces of the listeners.

The night starts with everyone walking past tables full of items
(in this case duck hunting items)
to be raffled off or purchased at the auction being held after dinner.
I was done perusing those tables in about 60 seconds flat.
Duck decoys, hip wader bags, beer steins, a thermos that resembled a shot gun shell, camo lawn chairs, artwork depicting Labrador's holding retrieved ducks in their jaws.
My husband lingered over the merchandise longer than I did.
He likes to think of himself as a hunter, though truth be told he's never shot anything yet and when the day comes that he does, I hope he cries and cries and cries and never kills another living creature again.
We are on opposite sides of the fence when it comes to guns and hunting.
I realize that the Prime Rib I ate came from an animal.
I realize that an animal had to die so I could be fed at this banquet.
I just don't want to be the one that shoots it.
And I don't want him to shoot it either.
Would it matter if he was out hunting cows? I don't know.
But he doesn't hunt to put meat on our table, and that makes all the difference to me.
I'm not going to debate the topic with you, this is my personal opinion, that's all.
Moving on...

The four of us sit at a table with 2 other people whom we do not know.
Turns out he is one of the auctioneers and she is his girlfriend.
They appear to be well into their forty's.
Why is that detail important?? I don't know.
He leaves her alone most of the evening and so we (and by we I mean the people I am with) are left with the unenviable task of small talk.
Which puts me in a cold sweat. Small talk?! Fucking small talk...are you kidding me??
Hmmm....buzzzz....
I'm way out of my comfort zone and I know it.

She's "so excited, and can't wait for this shindig to start," she tells us. "Woot!"

 Humm...buzzz...blink.

"Woo-hoo!" she says aloud. "I can't wait for duck hunting season."

As ya'll know, I cannot for the life of me figure out how to talk to strangers.
I either stutter or stammer or blurt out huge family secrets.
I end up embarrassing myself 10 times out of 10.
My best defense is to keep my head down and my eyes averted.
Which I'm sure doesn't come across as rude at all.....

She ends up winning 3 separate raffle prizes during the course of the evening.
Each time her winning numbers are called she raises her arms over her head and hollers  "Woot!! That's me!!"
She giggles and laughs her way through the evening sitting with four complete strangers. How do people do this I wonder??

She must be an extrovert I think to myself. She has no problem talking to us or talking period for that matter.
She carries the conversation by herself for most of the evening.
I can't decide if I'm jealous or repulsed.
She laughs at her own jokes and shows no remorse or embarrassment when we four don't respond.
She's sucking down her Vodka Tonics as she snaps her gum.
Her jeans are too tight and her bosom is straining her too tight shirt.
But she's having the time of her life at this thing. Extroverted or just plain happy?

Her boyfriend comes back to the table during dessert and the two of them giggle and flirt over the vanilla ice cream topped with raspberry sauce.
If they're like this during duck season, what happens during rabbit season?? lol

But they do make me think....
.....when was the last time my husband and I giggled and flirted over dessert??

Praying and longing for more

So I wrote this post a while back.
The woman I mentioned who wanted grandchildren will finally get her wish this weekend.
Her 39 year old daughter is due to give birth on Saturday. It is a boy.
Unfortunately this woman who wanted grandchildren so badly just died on Monday after a two week battle with pneumonia. She was 69 years old.
I cannot imagine what her daughter must be going through.
I am heartbroken as is everyone else.

Sometimes God does this shit and we don't know why.
It's times like these that I question Him.
Not really question, more like want to ask-   "What the hell God?"

My friend Amy who has colon cancer just got awful news too.
Her cancer has spread to her lungs and liver.
She is 45 years old. She too wanted grandkids some day. But she has two teenagers at home.
There will be no chance for grandkids for her.
I am heartbroken as is everyone else.

We have all been so hopeful and praying so hard.
Did our prayers go unanswered? Was God not listening?
Does He not see or care about our broken hearts?
Why do these bad things happen to good people?

Today I have no answers. I'm saddened by all this.
It's a shit day with shitty weather and even shittier news.

I've looked but cannot find a prayer or a quote that will address the absolute madness of these two situations.
Today I am shaking my fist at God.
I want Him to know that He is breaking hearts all over the place.
I want Him to know that I am displeased.
And I want Him to stop it.
To just stop.
Stop.

Spring... but not quite yet

Like this past October which threw a hissy fit of rain and wind as it left to make room for November,

Spring has been pitching a tantrum and fighting with Winter for control since March 20th.

Two days ago it snowed so hard that I couldn't see across the street.

A mere 5 minutes later it was clear and sunny. 5 minutes later snow again. 

It went on and off like this all day long.

That's not fog by the way. That's snow.

Today the kids go back to school after being off for Spring Break.

And it's supposed to snow again this afternoon. And tomorrow. 

And maybe again on Thursday.

Both kids have had Pneumonia this Spring.

My 6 year old grandson got diagnosed with it first, a week before Spring Break even started.

My 3 year old granddaughter got it on the last Friday of Spring Break.

Both got chest x-rays, both got antibiotics, both got worse before they got better.

I'm exhausted just from listening to them cough.

I'm also thrilled that they are now on the road to recovery. 

I am so grateful they got well. I realize some children don't.

We didn't go anywhere for Spring Break (Obviously not with 2 sick kids)

I think maybe we should have taken them to the beach though.

I think a little time spent by the ocean in that salty sea air with all that warm sun and sand might have cured them a little bit faster. I know it would have fixed me right up.

My daughters test results came back negative for Ovarian cancer. 

What she has is a Chocolate Ovary...a mass consisting of a cyst and all sorts of other nastiness all glued together with endometriosis. She definitely needs a D&C and pending the pathology of that procedure she may or may not need to have a hysterectomy. She is 32 years old.

I'm super grateful that it was not cancer. 

I have to tell you that it was scary waiting for those results. 

I tried to put it out of my mind but the what ifs would occasionally make themselves known and I would retreat to prayer (ie: begging and pleading with God) to help ease my worry.

I don't know if the begging and pleading worked or if the God that I know and love took pity on me but I always felt better afterwards.

And then the results of her testing were answers to our prayers so a big shout out to my God for favors granted! Thank You Jesus! Amen.

Listen... I pray for my grandkids to get well and they do. But I need to pray for the parents of the little children that sometimes don't recover and get well.

I pray for my daughter to have favorable test results (Please God! Not cancer!!) and we get the results we were praying for. But I also know of a young woman, 28 yrs old, who died from Ovarian cancer leaving behind 2 young sons and a devastated husband that maybe I should be praying for.

I pray for an end to this stubborn Winter and Spring makes herself known by sprouting buds on trees and bringing back the birds and flowers and the occasional warm sunny day. Followed by snow.

I'm pretty sure that I had nothing to do with that. It's God. Always God. His timing. His way.

How about you? Do you feel like God answers your prayers? Do you feel like God is even listening?

A Gray Jay

I've written a gratitude list since 2011.
Every single day, 365 days a year, I write down 3 things that I am grateful for.
I learned it from Ann Voskamp through her book titled 1000 Gifts.
So this morning when I went to write down something that my oldest grand boy had said I couldn't remember what it was. Total blank.
While giving myself time to remember what it was exactly that I wanted to remember I got out my devotional books to do my daily readings.

The first book was Daily Guideposts 2016.
Yeah yeah, I know. Only gray haired Lutheran women subscribe to that publication.
But I like reading it. And besides I do have a few gray hairs and I am a Lutheran. :)

The writer for this days reading was Carol Knapp.
She described an encounter with a Chickadee on Easter morning. She goes on to say that this Chickadee was doing it's usual thing by singing "He-who" when all of a sudden he lands on her foot and hops it's way up her leg, to her torso and then finally coming to rest on her head.
And then she connects it to a Bible passage-

25 ..... “I am the resurrection and the life; he who believes in Me will live even if he dies, 26 and everyone who lives and believes in Me will never die. Do you believe this?”   John 11:25-26New American Standard Bible (NASB)

She caught the reference of "He who believes in Me" and matched it up to what that little bird  was singing ....He-who....He-who.

I don't believe that I will ever be able to listen to the sound of that bird again without thinking of her Bible passage reference. She floored me with that! I was awed and stunned. Wow.

For further study she suggests reading the following passage-

21 Now when all the people were baptized, Jesus was also baptized, and while He was praying, heaven was opened, 22 and the Holy Spirit descended upon Him in bodily form like a dove, and a voice came out of heaven, “You are My beloved Son, in You I am well-pleased.”Luke 3:21-2(NASB)

And Whamo! There it is! That's what I wanted to remember for my gratitude list. The dove.

My grandson saw a dove in our backyard for the first time yesterday. 

He didn't know what kind of bird it was so he asked me- "Granny? Is that a Gray Jay?"

Isn't that one of the cutest things you've ever heard?

No? Oh well. I thought it was just precious. Perfect and cute enough to make my gratitude list.

A Gray Jay. It still  makes me giggle.

But what I loved most of all was how God had a hand in helping me to remember what it was that I was trying to remember....a gray dove. 

I love it when God shows up like that in my life.

Most days God shows up at about 5:15 when the kids have gone home and I've had a glass of wine.

That's not me being sacrilegious either. That's the honest to god truth.

Once the grandkids are gone, I can sit back and reflect on my day.

I think back on where I saw God in my day and where I think I didn't see Him.

I think back on my attitude and my words I've used and how the day might have been a bit better had Granny not yelled quite so much.

It's when I ask for His forgiveness then accept His grace because I know I'll be given another chance to make it right again tomorrow. And the day after that. And the day after that.

The grandkids leave and have no idea that I rehash in my mind my day with them. 

No idea that I feel bad for yelling or that a 6 year old boys decription of a bird has rendered me speechless or that I ask God for his forgiveness for being snippy.

That's between me and God and a Gray Jay in the backyard.

Thanks for reading.

Love, Lolly

My madcap March re-cap

Hello!

Remember me? It's been a busy month to say the least.

Not really fun busy, more like I CANT TAKE ONE MORE PIECE OF BAD NEWS busy.

My daughter has been prescribed Progesterone to help her keep this pregnancy. 

It's not like she is having a miscarriage; she just needs a boost of progesterone to prevent one. She feels crampy and nauseated and exhausted.

My other daughter has a complex cyst on one ovary and a simple cyst on the other.

She has extensive endometriosis and adenomyosis in her pelvic cavity and also she has an elevated CA125 blood test result.

If you are unaware what a CA125 blood test is for it is an ovarian cancer marker.

She is scheduled for a D&C and an oopherectomy (ovary removal) on Wednesday.
I.Will. Not. Freak. Out. I. Will. NOT. Worry. I. Will. Give. It. To. God. Amen.

My 6 year old grandson is recovering from a bout of Pneumonia. Pneumonia!!!

He's been sick for two weeks now along with his 3 yr old sister who developed an ear infection.
She lays like a limp rag on my couch with a high fever off and on for 8 days.

The fevers, snotty noses, and coughing, coughing, coughing, coughing of these two. ...it's making me a little bit crazed.

We've lost an hour of sleep due to Daylight Savings Time. 

I may never recover. 

I am so tired.

On Good Friday me and the grandkids were driving home from my pregnant daughters house.

Half way home my grandson says "Granny, I have a bad headache."

"Ok, Bud" I tell him. "Let's stop by Momma's work on the way home."

2 minutes later he's complaining of  his headache becoming real bad.

2 minutes after that he yells out " Granny it hurts so bad right now, I can hardly stand it!"

"Ok baby", I tell him. "I can see Momma's office right down the road. We're almost there!"

He starts writhing and twisting and thrashing in his car seat..."Ooooh Granny" he wails.

"Hang on Sweetie, we're almost there ok?" And he mumbles something incoherent.

"Granny can't hear you Sweetie...What did you say?"  Incoherent groaning follows.

And then he starts puking. And puking. And puking. In my car. In his carseat. On himself.

It hits the door and the floor and it covers his coat, his blankie and his stuffed lovie.

I cannot believe he has thrown up so much. I haven't been able to get either one of them to eat more than a few crackers over the last week and a half!

I am frantic at this point. My car is quickly becoming a noxious environment. 

Both kids are crying. 

I'm scared out of my ever loving mind because this grand boy of mine has just exhibited what I believe are brain tumor symptoms. Or a brain bleed of some sort. Maybe a stroke??

I call his Momma on my cell from the parking lot and yell at her to come out and help me!

We clean him up, change his clothes, and pack every soiled thing into a large garbage bag and put him in the front seat of my car where he calmly says to both of us-

"Can we go to McDonald's, Pleeeaaase?"

Uh....What?!??

"My headache is all gone. I want a Happy meal. Please Granny?"

I am stunned to say the least. Dumbstruck. What has just happened here?

What in the name of all that is holy has just happened here???

His mother and I exchange glances, shrug our shoulders and figure it can't hurt.

He is fine. Perfectly fine after all of this.

He is still coughing but has no headache. He eats every bit of that god-awful Happy Meal. The chicken, the fries, the apples.

He goes home with his Momma at the usual time and eats Pizza for dinner.

He plays with his sister and goes to bed and then wakes up the next morning feeling fine.

Meanwhile I can't get the memory of what happened out of my head. 

My husband and I scrub the carseat and the backseat and the carpet on the floor.

I call my daughter and ask her repeatedly to check on him.

"Mom!!" she says, "He is fine. Playing and acting fine."

Well all right then. Guess I need to say Thank You Jesus and move on.

This last week of March is Spring Break for my grandson. We have no plans, Thank God!

I think we all just need to recoup from sickness and worry and stress.

Already today I have yelled and threatened and hollered for them to pick up their toys and stop fighting and eat lunch and stop hitting each other!!

Today I'm grateful for the beautiful noise of these two. 

The messy, smelly, fighting, crying noise of grandchildren.

(Remind me I said this when this week is over. Is it really only Monday!?)

Gotta go! Grandkids are healthy again. And feeling just fine.

I'm grateful. So very grateful.